


just give me a reason (just a little bit's enough)

by lady-serendipity (JenZz)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Alternate Universe - Scientists, Angst, Biology, Ecology, Homophobia, I'm sorry Xiumin, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Post-Graduation, Self-Acceptance, Slow Burn, Unreliable Narrator, but you'll learn some along the way haha, it's not really about biology, postgrad life sucks lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2018-11-29 15:13:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 67,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11443503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenZz/pseuds/lady-serendipity
Summary: Lu Han’s starting a new life, new job, but isn’t looking for love. Nope. Especially not love in the form of one Park Chanyeol. Alternatively: Lu Han learns to value friendship in the postgrad life.





	1. A Fresh Start

**Author's Note:**

> aaaaand this is really really my first fanfic. I've finished it, but have to keep tweaking the rest of it until I'm satisfied. But it will come out on a semi-regular basis, so stay tuned!
> 
> You can yell at me on Tumblr [here](http://lady-serendipity.tumblr.com) and/or Twitter [here](https://twitter.com/ladyyserendipit) <3!!

Lu Han’s grip on the steering wheel was tight. Not the kind of tight where you’re holding on comfortably enough for control, but loose enough to indicate confidence. No, this was a white-knuckled claw. 

“Hyung, you can’t be serious. You’ve driven for how long already?”

“Shut up, Sehun,” he bit out. The highway was scary, but focusing on it took his mind off of other things. All the things he was trying to forget. “I can’t help that I’d been living in a city my whole life. It’s a new life for a new driver.”

Lu Han couldn’t see it for sure, but he could swear that out of the corner of his eye, his best friend was mockingly mouthing his words to the side car mirror. Whatever.

“New drivers can only say they’re new for like, the first month or so. You’ve had that license for a year now,” drawled Sehun, raking a hand through his cropped blonde hair.

Lu Han took a deep, calming breath, and let it out. “Why did I bring you again?” he muttered, quickly brushing his lightly bleached bangs out of his eyes before thunking his hand down on the wheel again. “Oh right, because now your life is in my hands.”

Sehun chuckled. “My life, and everyone else’s on this road. Don’t worry, I’ve written my will already.”

“Ah, shaddup.”

“No can do, hyung. You’re the one who decided to take this job in the middle of nowhere, you really should be driving better. Speaking of, what the heck is your job again?”

Lu Han rolled his eyes. It must’ve been the fiftieth time he’d explained this. “Data manager position for the National Ecological Monitoring Institute, or NEMI for short. After implementing digital data logging, they realized they needed an IT person. Just when they’d spent most of their funding on the devices. Enter me, an Ecology major with a lil’ bit of coding experience.”

Sehun gave an “ah” of understanding, drumming his fingers on the side door. “And so, they had to take you, fresh out of college, because you can help but don’t demand much pay?”

“Yep.”

“Well, I think it sounds like a cool opportunity. Middle of nowhere Virginia is really far though. I’ll try to visit, but…” The lack of a car would be pretty difficult. Plus, he’d be in Boston.

Lu Han bit his lip. It would be better this way. “I’ll be fine. I’ll make adult friends and plus this is like my own kinda abroad experience.”

“Haha, adult makes it sound kinda kinky. There’ll certainly be a difference in culture.” Lu Han would shove Sehun for making the conversation sexual, but he’s a bit occupied at the moment. The conversation petered out at that, as the road dragged on.

Lu Han eventually began to relax. He even took his eyes off the road in front once in a while, to look outside at the grand expanse of trees and the occasional, stunning rivers. As a city boy his entire life, he hadn’t had much opportunity to drive. And then, college. He’d had friends to drive him around.

And a boyfriend.

 _Ex_ -boyfriend.

Lu Han shook himself out of the thought, because wow that hurt, and the whole car swerved a little. Sehun let out a tiny very manly yelp, and glared at Lu Han indignantly. “What was that for, hyung?” he said accusingly. “And you were doing so well…”

“Why, I was getting rid of your negative chi, Sehunnie,” Lu Han responded sweetly. “Oh look, there’s a rest stop. Let’s rest, I need to pee.” Checking around for other cars, he decided to go for it and crossed three lanes at once. A red Subaru honked at him but let him by.

He pulled in crooked, and decided to leave it like that. He was feeling rebellious.

Sehun got out of the car and tottered over to the sidewalk. “Land!” he moaned dramatically, and flopped on top of the pavement. Then he began to stretch, spreading his legs into an almost split and reaching down. Lu Han smacked Sehun on the butt as he walked by, causing the younger to flail his arms before recovering his balance.

One bathroom trip, two bags of chips, and three gulps of water later, they were on the road again. Sehun took the wheel this time, and Lu Han slumped in the passenger seat, relieved. Always easier to trust someone else with your life than yourself.

He stared out the window and felt his growing sense of freedom bubble within him--but also the beginnings of panic. Finally leaving the safety net of school, family, and friends for his adventure also meant finally escaping a bubble of protection, his people. 

His person he could return to.

Lu Han angrily rubbed his traitorous eyes, and faked a yawn when Sehun noticed. Too late.

“You’re fooling no one, hyung. Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” Lu Han replied, feeling like the younger one with his petulant reply. His pact had been to not talk about it, and to wait. 

“I’ll tell you in three months.”

_____________________

Slowly, hesitantly, Lu Han pulled up to the large house in the middle of the woods. The paved roads had long ago turned to rock and dirt and he'd felt like he was truly in the middle of nowhere. When he threw the car in park, Lu Han skeptically glanced out the window, taking in the way the house vaguely resembled a giant A. Hammocks swayed in the wind on the front porch.

It looked like the set of a horror movie.

Sehun impatiently urged him on, and together they carried his bags to the front door.

Lu Han warily inspected the door, which had no doorbell or knocker whatsoever. The dilemma was solved for him when the door opened, seemingly of its own accord. Lu Han jumped and looked up from the door knob, wide-eyed, into the eyes of a short man with carefully styled black hair. His smile was wide, warm brown eyes crinkled at the corners.

“Hey! I heard your car pull up. You must be Lu Han, the new employee.” Lu Han nodded, taken aback by the friendliness. He didn’t dislike it. “Welcome to El Dorado! My name’s Junmyeon,” he continued, holding out a hand for Lu Han to shake. Lu Han quickly dropped his suitcase and took the proffered hand, shaking firmly.

If this was “Southern hospitality,” he could get used to it. 

Lu Han introduced Sehun, who showed up huffing with the last of Lu Han’s bags. Junmyeon’s eyes widened. “Wow, Lu Han, you brought a lot of baggage.”

Lu Han smiled wryly, “Trust me, this isn’t half of what I’ve got. You should see my room back at my parents’.” He’s also carrying a lot of emotional baggage, but luckily that’s not as visible.

“I’ll give you a hand. Follow me to your room,” Junmyeon said, grabbing a suitcase. He was surprisingly muscled, Lu Han noted before scrambling to pick up some bags again. Lu Han followed him up the stairs, Sehun in their wake.

“So… El Dorado?” Lu Han asked, trying to continue the conversation.

“Inside joke. Since NEMI housing is so darn far from everything.”

Junmyeon turned the corner and used his shoulder to push open one of the many doors. “There’s ten of us living here now,” he explained, seeing Lu Han’s curious gaze on the other doors. “Everyone tends to be in and out though. You’ll be sharing with me.”

It was one of the most spacious doubles he’d ever been in. Junmyeon’s side was plastered with posters of inspirational quotes – Lu Han almost gagged at the sheer cheesiness – and appeared well lived-in, with clothes, magazines, and who knows what strewn all over the bed and the floor. The other side was tidy, and had a bed with clean white sheets as well as a dresser. A dresser with moose antlers on top of it.

“This yours?” Lu Han asked, waving a bag at the moose antlers. He dropped off some of his bags.

“Nope! We can put it somewhere else if you dislike it, but the last person used it as a hat stand of sorts,” Junmyeon replied.

After bringing up the rest of the bags, Sehun and Lu Han collapsed on Lu Han’s new bed. Noticing it already had sheets on it, Lu Han thanked Junmyeon.

Junmyeon nodded and then jumped at a sudden honking sound from outside. “Ah, my boyfriend’s waiting for me outside! It was very nice to meet you both. Enjoy your stay, Sehun, and I’ll see you later roomie!” Junmyeon said before dashing out of the room, and down the stairs.

Lu Han peeked outside the window, which conveniently had a view of the entrance. An tall, older-looking and well-groomed man was playing with his phone and leaning against a gray Honda. Junmyeon ran across the lawn, and fell into his boyfriend’s arms.

With a sigh, Lu Han pulled the blinds closed and jumped back on the bed. “Looks like the cute guys are already taken,” he joked to Sehun before demandingly holding out his arms to his best friend. Sehun sniffed, still a bit miffed at Lu Han’s earlier refusal to discuss the ex he should have been over already, but finally acquiesced. Their friendship never let a platonic cuddling chance go by unattended. Sehun’s face softened as he leaned into his hyung’s embrace.

“You’ll find a guy, hyung. I know it. You weren’t born with a pretty face for no reason… and you’ll surrounded by your beloved biology geeks,” Sehun said, half-joking. Lu Han swatted half-heartedly at him.

“You mean, my face was made manly,” he joked back, purposefully avoiding answering the possibility of “finding” another guy. 

He’d long ago found his man. 

Three months.

“Sure, hyung. Sure.” Lu Han got up a little to arrange the bed a bit better, and Sehun whined as Lu Han hauled him into a more comfortable position. They settled in for a nap. It had been a long drive, and Lu Han wanted to get as much friend-cuddling in as he could before Sehun had to leave.

Sehun’s breaths quickly evened out, but despite how tired Lu Han was from driving, he couldn’t keep the thoughts from settling over him.

Tears flooded his eyes as the reality of finishing moving hit him. He wouldn’t be able to casually call Sehun and drag him to the cafe, or drop by his room unannounced and hang out. And there’d be no more soccer practice and jumping on Sehun’s back after a particularly long game, just to hear Sehun let out an oomph before begrudgingly supporting the extra weight. 

Lu Han sniffled a bit, and then cuddled closer to Sehun. “I’ll miss you,” he whispered into Sehun’s hair.

“Don’t be silly, hyung. I’m still here.” The response shocked Lu Han, who was unused to sharing his weak moments. Sehun’s arms tightened around Lu Han before he could pull away, and Sehun buried his face deeper into Lu Han’s neck.

“I’ll miss you too, hyung. Make sure to keep in touch, ne?”

With Sehun hugging him, Lu Han could pretend everything was okay.

_____________________

Sehun stayed the night and most of the next day, but had to take the train home that night.

They’d spent the day exploring the nearby neighborhood, Sehun commenting endlessly on how “backwoods” the place was, though he kept it to a murmur when an old man gave him a side-eye. Outwardly, Lu Han insisted that it would make a nice change. Inwardly, he agreed. 

The main part of “town” - or what passed for a major hub of people here - was barely a street long of colorful, slightly dilapidated storefronts. For a clear, sunny day, there sure weren’t many people around. In a nice day in the city, plenty of people would be walking around exploring; maybe a few annoying tourists would block the sidewalk with their obnoxious selfie sticks. There was always action in the city, especially in the middle of a beautiful Sunday afternoon. Lu Han felt the ghost of an ache for being anonymous in a crowd.

But he’d made up his mind. He’d promised, and he’d stick to it, no matter how shitty he felt at the moment about separating from all his friends.

Lu Han finally dropped Sehun off at the nearest train station, an hour away. After a brief hug, Lu Han was left alone on the platform as the train left the station.

Lu Han kept his tears in until he was sure Sehun couldn’t see him any more. His vision flooded. He was now truly starting alone, for the first time in his life.

 _A fresh start, the real adult life_ , Lu Han thought. _Time to make it count._

_____________________

His first day of work was a disaster, to say the least. 

He woke up late, to Junmyeon’s shaking. “Gotta get up, roomie. Boss hates it if we're not there at 8 am sharp.”

_What kind of start time was 8 am, anyway?_

Lu Han threw on several outfits before managing one that was business casual. What the fuck does business casual even mean? Lu Han had yet to grasp this concept. One shoe on, he tugged on the door of his car. Fuck. He ran back into the house to grab his keys, and tried again. This time the door opened, and he threw himself into the driver’s seat. 

The drive was short and uneventful, and he parked his car next to the office, along the dirt beside a few other cars. Their office was apparently short of real parking space. Lu Han ran into the office complex, barely noting the tan color and red roof. 

Inside the building, he nearly missed the meeting room, but the sounds of people talking stopped him in his tracks. He realized the room on his left was the meeting room. Lu Han timidly knocked and silence ensued as he entered with his head ducked down, wishing he could sink into the floor. Heads swiveled to stare at him. He wanted to die.

It looked like all of the wooden chairs around the table were taken, so he reached for the flimsy metal folding chair on the side. It made a painful squeak as he struggled to unfold it. When he finished wrestling with it, he set it between a stone-faced man with thick eyebrows and a sharply dressed woman.

“So nice of you to join us. You must be Lu Han.”

A moment passed before Lu Han realized he was being addressed. “Uh. Yes. That’s me.” A chorus of laughter around the table - not mean-spirited, but it still made Lu Han want to die inside. 

“I’m Sooman, and here, let’s go around the table and introduce ourselves.” Lu Han would remember none of the names, but he tried his best to mentally file them away as each person rattled off their name and what they did. “Good, now back to business as usual. Chanyeol, what are you doing this week? What’s the status of the tower?”

“Well…” And like that, Sooman went around the room and had each person report what was going on. Lu Han was exempt, as it was his first day. He dazedly sat through the rest of the meeting, having too much to absorb and not enough mental capacity. 

Suddenly, he realized they were all being dismissed. He stood up, wincing as the metal chair made a slight grating noise against the floor. His boss called out, “Lu Han, stay for a moment, will you? You can close that door.” It was less a request and more a command. Lu Han felt his stomach drop, but forced himself to go the door and close it behind the last person. He woodenly turned around and braced himself to face his boss’s annoyance, clear on his face.

“I expect more out of you. Please get with the program and be on time for the next meeting.” Lu Han nodded, keeping his eyes on the carpeted floor. He looked up, realizing that his boss was expecting more of a response.

“I-I’m sorry,” Lu Han stammered out, and cringed. 

Sooman pursed his lips and curtly nodded in return. “Before you go, you should also know. Your paperwork gotten mixed up in HR - they didn’t realize Lu Han was two separate words. Unfortunately, you’re not going to get paid until they sort it out. I advise you to keep tabs on HR until they work things out. Dismissed.” 

...why is his boss so cavalier about this?

He thanked his boss, and fled the room before he unwittingly voiced his real opinion. The pitying looks outside the meeting room only added insult to injury. 

He then spent the rest of the day fighting to understand the poorly explained and overly complicated filing system his predecessor had left behind, and trying to stifle his exasperated groans so as to not bother his officemate. 

His terrifying officemate.

The stone-faced man he had sat next to turned out to be field assistant manager Kyungsoo, a man who took no shits from anyone. Kyungsoo had glared at him when Lu Han had finally stumbled into their shared office, and warned him, “You better be neat or else you’ll find yourself at the temp desks.” Though Kyungsoo was petite, the command the shorter, black-haired man exuded was not to be trifled with.

Lu Han had gulped and meekly replied, “Okay.” Kyungsoo looked unimpressed, huffing and returning to his paperwork. Lu Han scuffled to his seat and tried his best to not shrink into it.

To top everything off, he got soaked on the way to his car and he had to fumble his way through driving in the rain for the first time in his life.

Lu Han pulled up to El Dorado in his car, and couldn’t even bring himself to get out. He stared at his phone, considering his speed dial options as the rain pounded on his windshield.

Jongin was already off to France, so no good.

Yixing and Sehun were at home doing family things, no good. 

Minseok’s number was--

No.

 _Definitely_ off limits.

He felt so alone, so terribly alone. It was almost too much to bear. Lu Han miserably stared out the windshield at the steady rain, trying to see something, anything outside the window. But no, the rain was so heavy everything was a blur outside. 

_Not even a fucking umbrella in my car. What a fucking great day._ A tear leaked out of his left eye.

A knock on his car window startled him, and Lu Han furiously rubbed away the tear as he squinted at who was outside.

Junmyeon wiped away at the side window, holding an umbrella in his other hand. Lu Han rolled down the window and was momentarily blinded by the kindness on his roommate’s face. Also blinded by the awful hand-knitted sweater Junmyeon was wearing, with cheery yellow ducks encircling a moss green background. Some stitches were unraveling, adding to the general chaos.

“I was coming to see if you needed any help, I hope you don’t mind,” Junmyeon rambled, a small furrow of worry between his eyebrows. Lu Han cracked a tiny smile, before beating down his porcupine urge to pretend everything’s okay and look strong to accept Junmyeon’s help.

“I… I don’t mind. Hold on, let me…” he said, unlocking the car. “Sorry I’m such a mess.”

Junmyeon offered a hand to help Lu Han out and under his umbrella, saying, “Don’t worry about it, let’s just go inside. I’ll make you something hot.”

Lu Han mumbled his agreement and accepted Junmyeon’s proffered hand, after closing the window. He let himself be gently but firmly dragged inside. He pretended his tears were just the rain staining his face, and focused on Junmyeon’s sweater ducks to will the rest of the tears away.

Inside, Junmyeon sat Lu Han down in the kitchen, on the single seat, and began making coffee. “I know it’s five thirty, but a good cup of coffee always cheered me up,” Junmyeon said apologetically. Lu Han tried to smile.

He burst into tears instead, since the small kindness reminded him of Yixing. Yixing, his closest friend at college besides Sehun, who would always accept his bullshit and calmly make him a cup of tea. A longing for familiarity, for college, for home, overwhelmed him.

Before Junmyeon could say anything further, Lu Han gathered himself. “I’m just a bit homesick, I guess,” he explained shakily. “Don’t worry, I _love_ coffee.” He conveniently left out the fact that his ex had also loved coffee, and the last cup of coffee he had drunk ended up splattered against the wall in the dregs of their dying relationship.

Lu Han knew how to be dramatic, and this was neither the time nor the place.

He meekly accepted the cup Junmyeon handed him and nursed it in his lap. As the drink warmed his insides one sip at a time, Lu Han began to recap the day. 

How he’d been late, even though he’d set five alarms. How his boss called him out one on one. How his boss hadn’t actually sorted out his paperwork so it turns out he wasn’t going to get paid. How he was worried about paying the rent for the first time in his life. How scary his officemate was. How impossible his job seemed.

Junmyeon took it all in while preparing and boiling ramyun for two. He ladled the steaming noodles into two bowls, and handed one to Lu Han. “Don’t worry, I usually cook better bachelor food than this,” he joked. “Here you go.”

He also fetched two pairs of chopsticks and handed a pair to Lu Han. “Well, excuse my language but that is fucking bullshit. I’m sorry that your first day of work went so badly…. Unfortunately, that HR hiccup is a little common here at K company. In fact, it happened to me and a few others here, something about them not understanding Asian names or some bs like that. We’ll help you through it. As for your officemate being scary… Soo has a bad habit of not wearing his glasses, and his astigmatism makes him look like he’s glaring 24/7. His bark is worse than his bite, I'm sure he doesn't hate you... not yet at least.”

Lu Han ate rather than responding. Sure, that sounded nice, but was it really going to be okay? It was still such a rough first day and he dreaded more like it. Was it a terrible mistake to come here after all?

Still, he should be polite. He looked up at his roommate and mumbled a “thanks” through mouthfuls of ramyun. 

Junmyeon’s answering smile makes him want to cry a bit. He blames his sniffling on the spiciness of the ramyun.


	2. Party Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OTL there is a lot of settling in going on here so prepare for text chunks. We finally meet people though so that's progress right?

Work got better. Lu Han improved at reading his boss’s cues. He felt more relaxed in his office as time passed. Kyungsoo was a man of few words, curt and efficient. Still scary, but Lu Han didn't think the other man hated him. At least, not yet.

He learned that “field protocol manager” more or less meant that Kyungsoo was in charge of scheduling all the protocols that each NEMI team conducted. And rescheduling if the weather changed unexpectedly. This meant lots of emergency phone calls.

Lu Han was also involved in those calls, seeing as he was on call to troubleshoot the technology used in those protocols. The new-fangled tablets and data-collecting apps were no good if a temp in the field entered data in just the wrong way. Lu Han wanted to throttle a different person every day, even though he knew they were trying their best.

Almost daily phone calls with Yixing and Sehun went a long way towards keeping Lu Han sane. The two always were eager to chat about post-grad life and how things were going. They also reassured him that they too had their own “adult” struggles - finding new friends, switching driver’s licenses - his was just more extreme. Sehun was convinced that Kyungsoo was secretly a softie inside, but Lu Han had yet to see evidence of this.

In the first few weeks, Kyungsoo was the only person Lu Han really interacted with - if you counted long silences as interaction. Junmyeon explained that he and all of their roommates needed to go on week-long field collection trips before the summer heat started. They were divided into mammal, plant, and bug teams, and collapsed into bed soon after getting back. His housemates just also weren’t quite open to meeting new people just yet. It wasn’t like Lu Han to stay so disconnected, but it was really difficult to make friends with people he either never saw or only saw when exhausted. 

Junmyeon at least was integral to Lu Han’s assimilation into El Dorado, helpfully providing little tidbits about each person and their living habits. As the official Mom of the house, Junmyeon was in charge of helping others settle in and feel at home. Junmyeon was a field assistant manager. He headed the plant team, explaining protocols like identifying trees and surveying invasive plants to the temps assigned to him for the season, and then leading them in carrying out whatever protocols Kyungsoo had assigned them.

Amber and Sulli were their next door housemates, sharing a double. They worked for Junmyeon on the plant team. Both appeared quiet but apparently were crazy fun at parties, according to Junmyeon. Junmyeon admitted it was a bit weird at first to party with his subordinates, but you get used to it. Not many others to hang out with in the middle of nowhere, after all. Sulli was nothing but polite to Lu Han, whereas Amber was the one he felt like he could relate to. 

There was Victoria, who mostly kept to herself. The most interaction Lu Han had with her was introducing himself during a random lunch and once in a while, a quick greeting in the hallways in the afternoons. As a part of the mammal team, she had to get to work at ass o’clock in the morning and work all day. Victoria either returned late from work, or didn’t return at all. Those days, she spent at her boyfriend’s.

Chen was a tower tech, scrambling up the local tower and collecting data on air and weather conditions. He was very sassy and liked hanging out with Lu Han at night - presumably because work required him to be alone for long periods of time, so Chen enjoyed the company while he could. He liked sharpening his barbs on Lu Han, while Lu Han liked teasing him back. They got along. 

Lu Han also felt uncomfortable that his housemates were temporary and he, fresh out of college, had landed a permanent job. In biology-related fields, permanence and therefore stability was always a point of seniority and not-so-slight envy. Lu Han shook that thought away, knowing that he should worry about it only if it came up.

In any case, Lu Han desperately wanted to start talking to Kyungsoo. It finally changed when Lu Han had the pleasure of meeting his gregarious husband.

“SoooOOOOO!” a voice yelled, growing louder in volume as the shouter approached, finally cutting off when a short brunette barreled into Kyungsoo’s chair. Lu Han watched in awe as Kyungsoo’s face morphed into one of embarrassed happiness as the man wiggled in his lap – were grown men _allowed_ to look that cute?

“I missed you, honey!” the man shouted, and got smacked in response. “Ow, that hurt,” he pouted.

“Stop being so loud. You’re disturbing my officemate. Lu Han, this is Baekhyun, my husband; he teaches high school English,” Kyungsoo said, somehow infusing an exasperated fondness into the introduction. Lu Han blinked, because it was the most he’d heard Kyungsoo say in weeks. And the affection made him think that Sehun was right after all.

Baekhyun cleared his throat, and Lu Han snapped back to attention. “Nice to meet you, Baekhyun,” Lu Han replied. The brunette’s face lit up even more, if that were possible.

“Kyungsoo,” he stage-whispered, “I like your new officemate. He can actually pronounce my name! You're invited to our party, I hope you know.” 

Someone shouted from the adjacent office, “S’not my fault Bacon’s name is so hard to pronounce!” and cackled. Baekhyun clambered off of Kyungsoo’s lap to go say hi to the others (and presumably smack the one who’d called him Bacon).

Stretching his hands over his head, Lu Han said, “Cute husband.” His officemate peered up from his computer, hands paused on the keyboard, and smiled. A fond, heart-shaped smile.

“Thanks,” Kyungsoo replied. “He’s definitely a handful though. What about you? Any significant other?”

The smile dropped from Lu Han’s face. “Nope. I… yeah. Nope.” He felt bad for ending the conversation on a stilted note, but he suddenly was no longer in the mood to talk. 

Kyungsoo, sensing this, went back to his work. They typed in silence for a while before Kyungsoo suddenly paused, and looked over both of their monitors. “So as Baek mentioned, we have a small gathering at our new house, kind of a house-warming thing, for July 4th. Want to come?”

Lu Han blinked at surprise at the offer, and then slowly smiled. “If that’s okay… I’d love to! Congrats on your new house.”

Kyungsoo smiled back, a small heart-shaped one that made Lu Han’s insides melt a little, and continued as usual.

The two of them were compatible officemates, after all. 

_____________________

With trepidation, Lu Han drove to Kyungsoo's house by himself. After a brief phone call with Sehun to pump himself up--with Sehun telling him, “Stop worrying, you idiot,” his social anxiety quieted. On the drive, Lu Han muttered to himself, “If he didn’t want you there he wouldn’t have invited you. Even if the invite was kinda last minute.”

He pulled in smoothly, still stunned by how parallel parking wasn’t a thing here. Turning the engine off, he glanced nervously at the house he was pretty sure was Kyungsoo’s. _Only one way to find out_ , Lu Han reasoned, and got out of the car. He popped open the trunk and brandished his store-bought cake: an American flag-designed cake for a July 4th potluck. 

Lu Han gingerly carried it up to the front entrance, and paused to look at a small sign on the bottom right corner of the front door. “In case of fire: 1 cat, 1 dog, 1 excitable man, 1 cute other man. Humans are optional rescues, pets are not. -K&B.”

Definitely the right house then. He rang the doorbell. “Door’s open!” was yelled from inside. Lu Han entered, and Baekhyun’s head popped up from another doorway. “Ah, hey Lu Han! You’re early!”

Lu Han found himself roped into party prep, with Baekhyun frantically putting up decor. “Haven’t you been planning this for a while?” Lu Han muttered, as he put up yet another American flag. 

“We have, but Kyungsoo’s been working late as usual and when he’s not around I tend to just laze about, ahaha…”

“I knew it!” Kyungsoo yelled from outside. Baekhyun stuck his tongue out. “And don’t stick your tongue at me!” Baekhyun paled, and turned to Lu Han.

“Sometimes, I swear he has X-ray vision. It must be those glaring eyes of his. Don’t get married to a mutant, sweetheart.” Lu Han laughed at Baekhyun’s antics.

“Speaking of, what’s Kyungsoo up to out there?”

“He’s getting the old grill ready for some BBQ. We tend to use things until they completely fall apart, so… I hope that thing still works.”

A low yell of triumph. “I told you so, Baek! It works!”

Baekhyun shrugged at Lu Han. “That’s an environmentalist for you.” Lu Han smiled, and put up another flag banner. “O-kayyy, I think we’re done here.”

The doorbell rang. Baekhyun yelled, “One moment!” and, dragging Lu Han along by the hand, went to the front door and yanked it open. “Good to see you guys!” he greeted the three ladies at the door, and gestured at Lu Han. “This is Lu Han, Lu Han, these are my coworkers, the other lovely teachers of English, Anne, Lucy, and Teri.” 

They murmured greetings to Lu Han, and--Lu Han couldn’t tell, Anne?-- demanded, “So where should these dishes be put, Bacon?” Baekhyun, wincing, led them to the table of goodies. He then led them on a tour of the house, Lu Han following behind silently as the ladies ooh’ed and aah’ed at the paint scheme and newly acquired furniture. 

The party finally trailed out to the backyard, where a grill was set out on a short, brick patio. Lu Han took in the vast expanse of land that was the backyard, through the haze of smoke coming from the grill. Perfect for dogs. He let the trio of teachers pepper Kyungsoo and Baekhyun with questions - “How’re you two settling into the neighborhood? Ah, planning to garden? What are you going to plant?” 

Lu Han leaned back and simply watched the smoke fade into the sky. His eyes were watering a little from the smoke, but wiping at them would ruin his dramatically pensive look.

Kyungsoo excused himself as he heard the doorbell ring again, and walked (very quickly) inside the house. Baekhyun chattered animatedly with the other teachers, and Lu Han took the opportunity to also wander back into the house. He found and played with their Chihuahua for a bit (he couldn’t find the cats, he supposed they were hiding somewhere from all the people). 

As more people gathered, he spoke with a few here and there. Surprisingly, though Kyungsoo was the more reticent of the couple, the majority of the guests were his. He seemed to attract people once they saw through his prickly exterior. 

Baekhyun checked in with Lu Han from time to time, but it was Kyungsoo who took him aside and asked him, “You doing okay?”

Lu Han nodded. “Just a lot of people I don’t really know,” he admitted. Kyungsoo pursed his lips, and took Lu Han’s hand.

“Well, we should change that. Come meet some of our coworkers.” Kyungsoo led him around on another round of introductions, and also gave him a detail on one or the other. “Tim’s nice but don’t let that get you fooled. He’s our management support specialist and it’s best to keep on his good side. You’ll find life easier that way. Marie’s a tower tech, she collects abiotic data from the towers...”

His boss Sooman was there too, to Lu Han’s surprise. He patted Lu Han on the back, saying, “Nice to see you again. This is my wife, Eunjin.” She shook his hand, smiling.

“Let me know if he’s being a bother. You know he’s just a big softie, don’t let him frighten you.” 

His boss laughed at this. “You’ll ruin my image, Eunjin. Enjoy the party, Lu Han, I’ll see you at work tomorrow.” They continued into the house, Lu Han barely overhearing Eunjin scold her husband on talking about work. He deflated onto the nearest couch. 

Kyungsoo raised an eyebrow at him. Lu Han sighed and explained, “I seriously thought he was going to fire me, since I was so unprepared on my first day and still don’t get everything.” Kyungsoo ah’d in understanding. 

“I wouldn’t worry so much. He knows you’re new to the job.” The two wandered outside, where it had begun to drizzle slightly. Kyungsoo moaned, “No, after all my work to get the grill working…” 

Lu Han chuckled. “There’s plenty of food inside, it’ll be fine.” 

Kyungsoo rolled up his sleeves. “It’s not much of a cookout without BBQ. Here, come help me with the grill.” 

They managed to grill a good amount of hot dogs and burgers - veggie, beef, and pork. Lu Han helped out, and carrying the cooked ones inside to the enthusiastic party. When all the meat had been cooked, Lu Han and Kyungsoo relaxed on the picnic bench outside, hiding from the rain underneath the bench umbrella. They’d snacked during the cooking, and someone had brought out a mancala set.

“Ever play this?” Kyungsoo asked. 

Lu Han shook his head. “No, but I’d like to learn. I think we had a set at home but my parents never taught me.” Kyungsoo nodded as he set up the game, and explained the rules. 

They played a few rounds, Lu Han managing to beat Kyungsoo in the last round. “Ah-ha!” he exclaimed in victory as Kyungsoo smiled at his antics. 

“You beat me,” he said, shaking his head. “By the way, how old are you again?”

Lu Han cocked his head. “Twenty-two. Why?”

“I’m twenty-nine.” Lu Han gaped at him. Wow. “I know, it’s weird, but… I feel like…”

“Like we don’t actually have an age gap?” 

Kyungsoo nodded. “Yeah, that’s it. Anyway, let’s get back to the party. Karaoke?”

Lu Han grinned at Kyungsoo. “I am always game for karaoke.”

Maybe, just maybe, Lu Han had made his first adult life friend.

And, there’s only two more months.

_____________________

Being in the middle of nowhere also had its benefits - El Dorado happened to be party central for his coworkers. Amber and another resident, Luna, were usually in charge of party ideas because Junmyeon’s ideas were usually pretty lame (they were nice about letting him down, but it had to be done. No one wanted to drink to a party theme of Ugly Christmas Sweaters in freaking July, jeez).

This party popped out of nowhere soon after Kyungsoo’s, and was completely different in atmosphere. For lack of better terms, it was a rager, to celebrate the techs finishing their first grueling month of endless fieldwork.

 _Naïve_ , thought Lu Han, fifth drink of the night in his hand. _Naïve to think that the alcoholism from college would stop after graduation. College really was about preparing you for the afterlife: people speaking too loud and alcohol too readily available, now that you’ve got the funds._

He could hardly walk straight, but aimed for the bathroom as best he could. Lu Han’s entire world shook with every step. It’d been too long since he drank this much, and he completely blamed Junmyeon for over-enthusiastically shoving more and more alcohol into his hands. Finally, he put a hand against the nearest wall for support, and stared into the fading, curling wallpaper as if it held the secrets to sobriety.

He was shaken out of his reverie by a really tall man bumping into his shoulder, seemingly out of nowhere. Lu Han’s world wobbled, going off kilter in the worst way. The man quickly caught Lu Han by his shoulders with large, steady hands, stabilizing him.

“Sorry, I didn’t see you there and I’m kinda clumsy,” the stranger said in a surprisingly low voice. Lu Han felt ready to swoon again, the octave of that voice was just that sexy. He licked suddenly dry lips, and instinctively smirked when the stranger’s eyes flickered down to catch the movement.

“No worries. It’s pretty crowded in here,” Lu Han responded, smiling. He took a shine to the guy almost instantly, and that had warning bells ringing in his head. He hadn’t come out here to fall in love, whatever this red-haired man might think. Lu Han absently rubbed his face, trying to school some more balance and control into his reactions.

“I don’t think we’ve met. My name’s Chanyeol! I do tower tec...”

 _Fuck_ , Lu Han thought, words rattling in his head so loud that it drowned out the rest of Chanyeol's introduction. _He’s Korean._ He wanted to throw up, mostly because of the alcohol but partly because... of _course_ the next guy he’s attracted to was also Korean. Just like all of his exes. “I’m Lu Han," he mumbled, holding a hand to his face to try to keep it together. _Fuck._ He only just managed to groan out, "Sorry, I don’t think I’m feeling so… good…” before he swayed, embarrassingly, into Chanyeol’s arms. He woozily noted some worried shouting but it was so nice to be held again that he shut his eyes and passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay for keeping to a weekly schedule! It's going to get more interesting from here on out, bear with me <3


	3. Lu Han Realizes He's Fucked

He woke up to a worried face, and thought for a second it was his boyfriend, ready to berate him for drinking so much even though "God, Lu, you know damn well you're a lightweight. Ugh, let me take care of you, you hot mess. I don't mean hot in that way."

Oh wait, fuck. They’d broken up. That hurt his heart.

Instead it was Junmyeon, who looked worried out of his mind. Relief broke out on his face when Lu Han met him in the eye. “Oh good, you’re alive. Here, drink some water.”

Lu Han tried to get up but the gurgling in his stomach made him gasp and collapse into the sheets again. He weakly moaned into the pillow, trying not to throw up. A hand smoothed down his side, and the glass of water was shoved in front of his face.

“Drink,” Junmyeon demanded. “And don’t try to get up again, you’re probably not ready for that.” 

“What time is it? What happened to me?” Lu Han asked blearily. He accepted the glass of water, propping himself barely upright on his elbows. Taking a shuddering breath, he began to drink it slowly, all the while willing his stomach to stop doing flip flops. . His head pounded in agreement.

“You passed out. It’s almost midnight, most of the other people have gone home. You probably drank too much of Baekhyun’s Monster punch. There’s at least one fatality every party because of it,” Junmyeon sighed. Lu Han noticed that his roommate failed to mention _he_ ’d been the one pushing drinks into Lu Han’s hands. Convenient. “Chanyeol had you in his arms and found me, frantic, asking if you lived here. I led him upstairs. Apparently you’re really light, and you speak Korean?”

He suddenly had some brief flashes of being carried, bridal style, up the stairs and deposited gently in his bed. “Wait, how’d he know I can speak Korean?”

Laughing, Junmyeon replied, “He said that as soon as he introduced himself, you cursed and then introduced yourself in Korean. Luckily, he’s actually from Korea and not a second generation Korean American like me, so he understood perfectly.”

Lu Han drank more water rather than responding, wanting to drown himself instead. There goes the first impression.

He’d learned Korean for his first boyfriend, and his second. And his third. It was something Yixing would tease him about, for his penchant for Korean men. It wasn’t until Minseok mockingly pointed it out that it had become something… warped, almost. Shit. It was something he’d planned on trying to fix, whatever “fixing” meant.

The door burst open. “Hey, you feeling okay?”

Lu Han spit out his water on an unsuspecting Junmyeon, and his stomach took that moment to also protest. He pleaded Chanyeol with his eyes for something, anything to barf into. Chanyeol ran out of the room and returned with a large roll of paper towels and a trash bin. Lu Han refused to look Chanyeol in the eye as he threw up the contents of his stomach into the bin.

Wiping his mouth with one of the paper towels, Lu Han groaned, “I’m so sorry, that was really gross. Thanks for carrying me to my bed and helping me through this. I'm never gonna accept drinks from Junmyeon again.” Junmyeon let out a noise of protest but quieted when Lu Han patted his hand. 

“Eh, it’s no problem. Just paying back an El Dorado favor,” Chanyeol replied, way too chipper for Lu Han’s rolling stomach and embarrassed state of mind. “I’ve blacked out a few times and the crew here has helped me out. Now I get to reciprocate! Yay!” 

He didn’t know how to respond to such enthusiasm, and chose instead to slump back into bed, closing his eyes. He quickly drifted off into sleep, despite the nausea.

_____________________

He dreamed. Of beautiful, almond eyes filled with love and slowly growing colder, colder, ever so cold. He searched those eyes for the person who held his hand even when not required in ballroom practice, for the person who liked to wake him up in the morning with a deep kiss, for the person who said he’d make him a better man and he trusted him always because he was so smart and of course he'd make him better. That's just how he was - he'd _promised_ and when he promised he would _always_ deliver. 

But he was with him and yet they were splitting apart and Lu Han hurt.

He couldn’t. He couldn't accept this break; he needed him like a drowning man needed a life jacket.

 _But I loved you_ , he had pleaded, _so why?_

“Because you’ll fucking leave me otherwise. Prove yourself worthy.”

_____________________

Lu Han woke and sat up in a cold sweat. He glanced at the clock and groaned at the display: 4 AM. Then, he clapped a hand over his lips, and quickly swiveled to peer at Junmyeon. 

Peacefully sleeping. He sighed in relief. 

_Two months_ , he reassured himself. _The bad dreams will be just that, soon enough. I’ll show him I’m worthy of his love, because no one else can help me like he can._

With the way his heart was racing, he wasn’t going to get to sleep any time soon. _Thank goodness for Sunday_ , Lu Han mused. _The day where people really get over their hangovers._

He gingerly swung his feet out of bed, and was relieved to find that though he was still mildly nauseous, he was also a bit hungry. First order of business, water. He slowly padded downstairs to fetch a glass of water. As Lu Han filled his cup, he heard a quiet murmur of voices. Taking a sip, he went to investigate and paused before the living room door.

The soft strains of a guitar and a congo drum emanated, along with murmured rapping. Lu Han sleepily pushed open the door and peeked in. Amber and Chanyeol looked up and gave him matching goofy grins. Lu Han quickly peeled his eyes away from Chanyeol, who was looking more like a tall glass of water than the one in his hand. He focused on Amber instead. 

“Did we wake you?” she asked, flashing an apologetic smile. “We try to keep it down but jamming is just too fun!” 

Smiling in return, Lu Han shook his head at her. “Not at all. Mind if I join the jam session?” he said, still not daring to make eye contact with Chanyeol. Maybe he could start to make things less awkward between them, but it was still too scary for Lu Han to be more direct about it. He'd also just been super gross….

“I’m okay with that. Chanyeol?” Amber asked, turning to Chanyeol. Lu Han finally looked at the red-haired man, and regretted it instantly. Chanyeol’s eyes were sparkling with enthusiasm. Fucking sparkling, like a shoujo manga character. 

Now Lu Han really got a chance to take Chanyeol in, stone-cold sober, and he's unable to deny his attraction. Lanky and broad-shouldered but with a boyish handsomeness. The red hair was still striking, but Lu Han noticed it’s no longer carefully styled like it was at the party. He suppressed a sudden and strange urge to run his fingers through it to see if it really was that soft despite the dye. 

Chanyeol smirked a bit, raising an eyebrow, and Lu Han flushes at being caught in checking him out. But Chanyeol graciously made no mention of it, saying, “Of course! Show us what you’ve got,” in that deep, resonant voice. His smile stretched even wider, showing off many white teeth as he patted the the space next to him on the couch.

Lu Han’s heart did not skip a beat. Not with two months on the line. 

_____________________

Over the next few days, it almost seemed as if someone up there was laughing at Lu Han. Because he ran into Chanyeol _everywhere_ , even though he was certainly trying his damned best to just not. 

Apparently Chanyeol had been in the middle of informing Lu Han that he was the tower tech manager. Meaning that he also had a desk job nearby, since the new technology wirelessly streamed data to his computer. His voice tended to boom, matching his loud personality. Kyungsoo could ignore him with his fancy noise-cancelling headphones. Lu Han had no such luck, and suffered from constant distraction. 

He discovered that Chanyeol had an unfortunate habit of breaking things, especially technology. And lucky Lu Han was in charge of helping him fix everything. He hid his exasperation the best he could, because Chanyeol always apologized profusely. It helped that Chanyeol was drop-dead gorgeous.

Sighing, Lu Han took a break from returning emails from the other stations, deciding to go for more water. He stopped just outside of the kitchen and caught Chanyeol in the middle of dropping a cup onto the floor. “Fuck,” Chanyeol swore, and slapped a hand over his mouth when he saw Lu Han. “Sorry I didn’t realize there were chi--oh, hi Lu Han. Heh.”

Lu Han gave him a flat look and went to fetch the broom. But he laughed a bit on his way, when he was sure Chanyeol was out of earshot. What a silly guy.

He went back to his desk after handing Chanyeol the broom and saying “good luck.” Ten minutes later, an email popped up in his inbox. Subject line: “HELP!” and from Chanyeol.

“Oh, boy,” he muttered, clicking it open. The email read, “Sorry to bother you but idk something’s wrong with Chen’s data stream it’s sending 80085 for every data column.”

A new email: “UGH NEVER MIND HE’S JUST BEING TERRIBLE.”

Lu Han had never rolled his eyes so hard in his life, but he was also grinning like an idiot. He forwarded that chain to Kyungsoo - with all the people bothering him, Kyungsoo needed a laugh.

“Ah, those idiots. Good luck though. You should’ve been mean to Chanyeol from the beginning, it looks like you’re stuck with him now,” Kyungsoo replied over the computer boundary. 

Lu Han groaned. “Great. How do you deal with him?”

The blithe reply: “The occasional death threat works wonders.” Somehow Lu Han believed it.

He sighed, getting up to go to the bathroom. And ran into Chanyeol at the urinals. Great. After a few moments, Chanyeol started, “Sorry again about--”

“Don’t mention it. It’s my job. Boobs, eh? Haven’t seen that since middle school.”

“Ah-ha, yeah.” Conversation petered out again as Lu Han quickly finished up. 

“Bye,” he said behind him while walking out the door. Hopefully now it would be a Chanyeol-free day.

An hour later, he went on a short walk around the office, nodding hellos to the others and avoiding Chanyeol’s room. Turning a corner, he almost literally ran into Chanyeol and narrowly avoided disaster. Lu Han brushed off Chanyeol’s apologies and quickly walked away.

The week dragged on in a similar, Chanyeol-filled fashion, despite Lu Han’s efforts to interact with other people. He even pulled Junmyeon into a broom closet and ranted at his roommate about Chanyeol’s friendliness. Junmyeon merely smiled and patted him on the head before running out to continue his work.

No one understood that this was a crisis!

By the end of the week, Lu Han was at his wit’s end. The giant was just being himself and breaking literally everything, but Lu Han only felt more and more fondness for him. That was really really not good. He was about to forget why it was the worst idea ever. Plus, Amber had said something offhand about a girlfriend, possibly. 

That made two of them that were committed.

On Saturday, Lu Han skipped the party and drove to the nearest Starbucks. Which of course had to be a good fifteen minutes away, because nothing was convenient in this small town America. 

He logged onto wifi, and nursed his pumpkin spice latte while Skype booted up. With relief, he noted that Yixing was online, and opened up the chat.

luhanistheman: goddamn shit fuck  
xingxingunicorn: hello to you too?  
luhanistheman: everything is crap  
xingxingunicorn: what now  
luhanistheman: so  
luhanistheman: there’s this  
luhanistheman: fellow  
xingxingunicorn: that you totally wanna bonk  
luhanistheman: NO  
luhanistheman: fuck  
luhanistheman: I guess...  
xingxingunicorn: …and?

Lu Han bit his lip, not really knowing how to explain.

luhanistheman: and he’s off limits. Coworker and maybe girlfriend and also I just can't

>Incoming call<

Lu Han scrambled for his headphones before pressing accept. Yixing’s face popped up in a blurry blob. From the details that Lu Han could make out, he appeared tired but curious, blinking in that deliberately slow way of his.

“Details,” he demanded. Lu Han ran a hand through his hair, and slowly explained to Yixing the events of the past week.

“…and now he’s cute and so sweet and super smart but a ditz and breaks everything and fuck.”

“Who’s fucking who?” Sehun interrupts, poking his face into the video camera. “Hey hyung. Awfully fast of you to move on, huh?”

Sehun’s face was shoved aside firmly as Yixing re-settled the computer in his lap. Lu Han was glad Yixing did that - it had been sharper than Sehun’s usual sass, and it kinda hurt. 

And a cold reminder to Lu Han why he couldn’t fall for Chanyeol. “Shut up, Sehun. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

Yixing looked a bit taken aback at the snarl in Lu Han’s reply. “Whoa, there. Calm down. Sehunnie didn’t mean anything by that.”

Lu Han dragged in a slow breath, and let it out. He did need to calm down or else his best friend would be able to guess what was up. “So... rry, I guess. But just because there’s a guy I kinda like doesn’t mean jack-squat about my relationship history.”

An awkward silence. Then, Yixing jumped in, always the peacemaker. He spends so much of his time babying Lu Han and Sehun over arguments, it’s second nature to him. “Well regardless if there’s a guy or not…. You should give yourself some space.” There’s a furrow between his brows, and Lu Han felt a bit guilty for being the cause of that. He wished he could reach out and smooth that over, assure Yixing that he was whole.

If only that were true.

“I guess I should. I’m having some dreams about you-know-who--”

“Voldemort?”

“--shut up, Sehun--and that…. That hasn’t happened in a while.” 

Now Yixing really looked concerned. “Dreams? Han, fuck, that’s not good.” He’s trying to scrutinize Lu Han through the screen, and Lu Han was grateful the blurry quality would hide all of his secrets. 

They all remembered his “dreams” - nightmares were a more accurate description. He was plagued with them in that first month, when he was in a really bad place. And Yixing always came over at Jongin’s distress calls, no matter what time of night. Though a good roommate and a wonderful friend, Jongin was shit at handling Lu Han when he was in the throes of a nightmare. He was shit at feelings in general, it’s wonder that he’s stayed in a long-term relationship for three whole years. But a good roommate and a better friend who always tried to help Lu Han.

Those nights, Yixing would hold him and let him cry into his shoulder until he calmed enough to fall back asleep, with Jongin also rubbing his hyung’s back and looking like a kicked puppy.

Speaking of… Jongin was also shit at keeping in contact. _I should reach out at some point_ , Lu Han thought, making a mental note. He shook himself out of the bad memories and refocused on the call, just in time to see Sehun propping his head on Yixing’s shoulder. He was wearing a similarly worried expression. “Hyung? Don’t take this the wrong way... but maybe you should find a therapist or someth--”

“Nothing. Is. Wrong,” Lu Han muttered through gritted teeth, trying to indicate that he was in a public space and utterly failing at reassuring his friends. “Next topic?”

Yixing stubbornly crossed his arms. “No. We need to talk. Maybe you should even go for this crush, just to get over that guy. Anyone would be better than that douchepotato--”

“Yixing.” The almost-growl of Lu Han’s interrupting voice made Yixing narrow his eyes. Lu Han felt a deep anger and resentment, and tried desperately to tamp them down. But... _how dare they presume to understand?_ A small part of him battled against the dark feelings, trying to remind himself that Yixing and Sehun only had his best interests in mind. It was beaten down quickly and mercilessly. “I won’t stand for badmouthing him. That was all me, and you know that.”

That’s right. He knew what was best for Lu Han, always had because he was so much smarter and so much more capable. For him, who deserved so much but accepted Lu Han anyway, Lu Han would shoulder his two more months as his rightful punishment.

Yixing opened his mouth as if to say more, but Sehun put a hand on his roommate’s mouth. “We’re sorry,” he said, glaring at Yixing as if daring him to disagree. “But know that at any point you can tell us… what happened. I wish you would trust us more, hyung. Aren’t we your friends?”

At Sehun’s gentle words, the fight evaporated out of Lu Han. He slumped his shoulders. “Yes,” he said sadly, “and I’m sorry too. It’s hard without you guys physically here....”

“No, no, we might not be physically with you but you're stuck with us until the bitter end, Han,” Yixing rushed to assure him. “I just…”

“I’ll tell you eventually. I gotta go now. Latte’s all gone,” Lu Han responded, wryly shaking his empty cup.

Sehun rolled his eyes at Lu Han’s obvious excuse. “Okay, fine. Take care. Remember we’ll be visiting you in a few months!”

“And everything will be settled down and good by then. Bye, you two.” Both Sehun and Yixing waved and ended the call. Lu Han murmured, “At least I can tell them that.”

_____________________

Out of a morbid curiosity, Lu Han wanted to know more about Chanyeol. He would vehemently deny his interest to the others but ended up talking about Chanyeol in about half of his conversations with the other coworkers. Mostly to complain about “Chanyeol did this to his computer” and “can you believe Chanyeol broke this? Five different ways?” It wasn’t romantic interest, definitely just a hazard of the job.

In fact, he did a great job of ignoring Chanyeol when his job let him do so. He would talk exclusively to the others, and in group conversations drew shy of talking to Chanyeol directly. Privately, he told Kyungsoo and Junmyeon that he just wanted to dissuade Chanyeol from any romantic notions. Junmyeon looked skeptical, but it was Kyungsoo who wanted to talk.

Kyungsoo managed to convince Lu Han to consider being nicer to Chanyeol, demanding his attention by closing their office door and crossing his arms at Lu Han until Lu Han peered up from his computer. “...I can completely understand wanting to not lead him on or something. But that doesn’t mean you have to completely shut him down all the time,” finished Kyungsoo after a long interlude.

Lu Han pouted, but didn’t have a better answer than a reluctant, “I guess that make sense. I’ll try.” He could tell from Kyungsoo’s searching look that his reply wasn’t completely satisfactory, but Kyungsoo huffed a sigh and accepted it anyway.

He was glad that at least… even in this place he’s got people watching out for him. He’s grateful. But he’s scared, he’s scared to let Chanyeol close. There’s got to be some way of tamping down these feelings, and Chanyeol’s kicked puppy face wasn’t helping matters. 

Finally, Lu Han drove to the local library to Facebook stalk Chanyeol. Just kidding, kinda, he was also there to theoretically pick out a few books to read. Lu Han was pleasantly surprised by how large the library was for a town of five thousand potential patrons. It had a nice, open layout with plenty of sunshine streaming in through the windows, and two main sections - one mostly for children, a larger one for adults.

By Facebook stalking, Lu Han intended to rid himself of his burgeoning crush on Chanyeol once and for all. He found out that Chanyeol went to Seoul National University, and graduated a few years before he did. Lots of smiling pictures with different people. Guitar performances galore, with some accompanying singing that went straight to Lu Han’s heart. He was weak for a beautiful voice. That wasn’t the place to destroy his crush. 

He also seemed like an avid hiker, so Lu Han explored those photos. That had potential to diminish his crush - Lu Han wasn’t an outdoor guy at all, and would rather not face the wilderness, despite his ecology major. Chanyeol’s photos had backdrops of amazing natural beauty that also included him making dumb poses in them. He couldn’t help but smile at one where Chanyeol was dabbing in front of a huge waterfall, and then grumbled at himself for smiling. Weak, his resolve was weak!

With a frustrated groan, he closed his laptop, revealing Chanyeol’s smiling face. “Whoa!” Lu Han shouted, and then clapped a hand over his mouth. The other patrons of the library, mostly old ladies, glared daggers at him as he tried his best to look contrite.

 _Did Chanyeol see me… stalking him?_ “You scared me,” he hissed at the still-grinning Chanyeol, trying to discern if the other had caught any of his stalking. Was that a knowing gleam in Chanyeol’s eyes, or was it simply the sunlight caught in the flecks of his gorgeous brown eyes? Lu Han realized that his intense gaze was rendering Chanyeol speechless, so he coughed and looked back down at the stickers on his laptop. The Death Note notebook sticker seemed to gleam tauntingly at him.

“Sorry,” Chanyeol apologized after regaining his voice, “but I was really happy to see you out of work since you usually disappear somewhere. You were so absorbed in something so I didn’t want to bother you, so I just sat across from you and waited.” Lu Han held back a relieved sigh. Sounds like he hadn’t noticed Lu Han’s… activities after all. 

And… maybe it was time to give up avoiding Chanyeol. They _were_ coworkers after all. Plus, Chanyeol was just so goddamn persistent. Lu Han simply didn't have the stamina to keep the avoidance up. He’d just have to never show he maybe liked Chanyeol that way. It should be… okay.

“So you decided to grin at me until I noticed, you creep?” he asked archly, ignoring the fact that he too had just been a creep for the past two hours. _Karma?_ Lu Han thought wryly. _Oh well. What he doesn’t know doesn’t hurt him._

“Yeah, I guess it was kinda creepy. Oh well. Want ice cream? I was about to go, there’s this really nice place in town. I can take you.”

Lu Han blinked. Not only was the invitation out of left field, unwelcome thoughts of Chanyeol licking an ice cream cone, and licking his fingers when the ice cream dripped down invaded his head. He gulped and tried to shove the thoughts away, focusing on the shock. “Um, me?”

“I don’t see anyone else around here,” Chanyeol joked. “These ladies don’t seem to like me that much.”

“I think you’re a little loud for them,” Lu Han said, which brought out a deep chuckle from Chanyeol. “But…” He had a lot to lose, but it would be outright mean to say no. “Okay. Not like I was doing much anyway,” he conceded. 

He chalked it up to Chanyeol’s naturally friendly character. Though he still felt overwhelmed by how nice Chanyeol was, it was fine because this... this was just a _friend_ date. Whatever the kids called them these days. And really, all Chanyeol had shown was an interest in just getting to know Lu Han, not in _that_ way. Or maybe Chanyeol just wanted ice cream.

Guilt gnawed at him.

_____________________

He was dreaming of cropped blonde hair and warm, muscular arms. Of the day of one of his large romantic gestures of driving them both three hours to the nearest beach. It was freezing cold in the winter and so it was just the two of them and goddamn he knew these romantic gestures would always woo Lu Han anew. The two of them recklessly threw their boots off and tiptoed at the edge of the shore, laughing and shrieking when the frigid spray of water inevitably crashed over their bare feet.

He was dreaming of the love of his life, or at least the one he’d sworn to love and be faithful to and belong to until the ends of his days.

He was dreaming of a gummy smile and the fond whispered word, “Idiot,” before those lips took his, all-consuming, pushing him out of the waters, onto the hard sand and stealing his breath in more ways than one.

He could only dream at this point.

Lu Han woke up feeling empty, biting his pillow to retain the choking sobs threatening to spill out. An ache lodged itself deep within his chest, making it almost difficult to breathe. _Two more months, he thought to himself. Just… two more months, and I’ll be whole again. He’ll tell me what to do, and I’ll be okay again._

_I wish the good dreams didn't hurt more than the nightmares._

_____________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know your thoughts, especially constructive criticism!! <3 And you can always yell at me on [tumblr](http://lady-serendipity.tumblr.com/)! This is shaping to be 6 chapters long, so... halfway there?


	4. Prelude to the Great Outdoors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looks like it’ll get a bit longer between updates since I’ve got a chunk of story to fill in. Hope you’re enjoying, let me know thoughts in the comments <3 :). Or if you're confused about anything! ! But yay character development and friendships and drama, oh my.

Another month passed, and Lu Han bit by bit let his guard down around Chanyeol. Ever since the ice cream outing, Lu Han began to respond to Chanyeol during office lunches, joining in the conversation instead of shrinking away whenever Chanyeol said something. His heart gave little traitorous jumps when Chanyeol beamed at him, but Chanyeol beamed at everyone so he was starting to get used to it. 

His coworkers noticeably relaxed around Lu Han as well. He felt sheepish when he realized that their postures were more open towards him because he had publicly made peace with Chanyeol’s friendliness, and vowed to be more discreet. Only Kyungsoo told him outright, while their office doors were closed, that he was glad Lu Han had gotten over whatever was making it weird.

Meanwhile, the work itself improved oodles when the emergency fixes died down enough for him to set up some preventative measures. Chanyeol was a big help: he was very cooperative in learning best practices for using technology, and corralled the others to do the same. Lu Han knew everyone meant well. But good intentions only went so far before real rules needed to be set in stone - being careful when entering in correct formatting, etc. _Watch out, National Ecological Monitoring Institute, Lu Han’s on the job_ , Lu Han vowed. Then laughed at his own cheesiness. No one had any formal experience with the technology NEMI was implementing before, but now that Lu Han was settled, he intended to fix that. 

In fact, he was even experiencing some downtime between bugs. Lu Han was staring outside his office window again, wishing he could be outside. Now it was properly September, a full month into his job, it was great weather to be in the field. Most of his coworkers were gone at lunchtimes now, busy with fieldwork. He yearned to go, and finally figured he should maybe do something about it. 

Lu Han left his building to walk to Admin, and strolled inside that building, also red-roofed like their own but in better shape. Only the best for the bosses. The central cooling hit him with a blast, making him shiver on the way to his boss’s office. He stopped just outside and gathered his strength. Lu Han was still nervous when talking to Sooman, even a month in. Knocking and opening the door a crack, he asked, “Can I... speak to you for a sec?”

“Sure, one moment. Let me finish up this thought.” Sooman was at his desk, frowning at his computer. He typed a few more sentences. “You can come in, you know.” Lu Han scratched the back of his neck, embarrassed, but let himself in and sat on the navy pinstriped couch. Interesting color scheme. He busied himself staring at all the tiny frogs and toads decorating the desk. They’d somehow escaped his notice the first time he was in this office - understandably, as Lu Han had been busy cringing - but now he could finally appreciate them.

The office decorations were quirky but made sense - Lu Han had read up on Sooman’s scientific articles before his interview. He had thought it was so interesting how Sooman’s research interests had shifted - from a master’s dissertation in rainforest frog ecology to the rainforest itself in his PhD research, and then generally environmental ecology research topics until he was nominated for this position. His current position wasn’t much research, mostly middle management, but Lu Han could see how stressful the research life was, based on his own interactions with professors. Management was a lot more stable than research, and therefore an understandable switch.

Management was also lots of emailing, clearly. Lu Han thought, _Maybe I should ask for tips on how to handle the email flow_ …. Sooman finally finished up a few more emails and swiveled in his chair to focus his attention on Lu Han. “Hello, Lu Han. I’ve got ten minutes before I run to another meeting, what did you want to talk about?”

Lu Han swallowed and said, “Okay, um. I’ve gotten the emergencies toned down a bit, and I find myself… going a little stir-crazy in the office….” Sooman raised an eyebrow but gestured for Lu Han to continue. “I was wondering… could I go out in the field on some days with the temps and learn how the technology is really used? I think I understand on a conceptual level but, I think it’d be really helpful. They also talk about needing more hands in the field, so….”

His boss picked up a frog and fiddled with it. “Well, darn. I should have thought of that. Great idea, Lu Han, we’ll plan it out at the next Monday meeting. Is that all?”

He took a deep breath. “The only one I can’t do is the towers. I’m… afraid of heights.” It worked out, really. This way he could avoid too much one-on-one with Chanyeol, but still get a grasp on all the technologies he needed.

It seemed that he wouldn’t be that lucky. Sooman crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair. “Those are the protocols you’ll need to understand the best. They use the most technology and according to your own reports, are the most finicky to deal with.” He glanced at the clock and winced. “But it’s almost time for my meeting. I’ll think on this, and let you know. Thanks for bringing it up, Lu Han.”

Lu Han nodded, “No problem. Have a good day, sir.” He left the office, mentally cursing to himself. Duh. Of course the tower would be the most important, but it wasn’t just Chanyeol that deterred him from tower tech work. It was more so his crippling fear of heights. His palms were clammy just from the thought of scaling that tower. Worse was that his NEMI station had one of the tallest towers, being in the lush, mid-Atlantic forest. That meant it recorded at multiple levels - above tree canopy, at tree canopy, below tree canopy, and a few others - as compared to the ones in the midwestern prairies with only two levels. 

_I should’ve chosen the Montana NEMI station_ , he silently bemoaned, even while another part of him thought, _Yeah right. That’s way too far. You’d never go there._

He returned to his office and leaned on the door opening. “Kyungsoo, I’m screwed,” he moaned dramatically, putting a hand to his forehead.

“Okay, cool,” Kyungsoo responded, distracted. He didn’t even turn around, so Lu Han pouted and walked over to Kyungsoo. Angling his body to block out the computer screen, he draped himself over Kyungsoo, his arms on his officemate’s shoulders and head on top of his. and whined at him. Kyungsoo simply sighed and hugged him back. “Fine, you’ve got my attention. You’re just as bad as Baek… what’s up?”

“Mrngh, I got myself the field work like I wanted but I might have to go up the tower.”

Kyungsoo ah’d in response. “Is this about… him again?” he asked, quietly so that only Lu Han could hear. The walls were pretty thin and though their office was much, much more friendly than the traditional office, it was still work. 

Lu Han huffed and straightened, propping hands on hips. “No,” he grumbled, dragging out the o sound. “It’s that I’m deathly afraid of heights.”

“That would be a problem with the towers,” Chanyeol said from behind him. Lu Han startled, jumping about five cm into the air, and walked to his desk. The back of his neck felt hot, and he glared at Chanyeol from behind his computers. Chanyeol grinned apologetically at him. “Sorry, had to ask you a question and your door was open… Should I go back and send an email instead? I only really heard what you said.”

“No, don’t be silly,” Lu Han muttered, “we’ll be talking more about it at the Monday meeting.” He unlocked his computer and gestured at Kyungsoo’s bouncy ball for Chanyeol to take a seat. “Anyway, you’ve got to go back to the field soon, right? What’s up?”

Chanyeol shrugged and they got to working out his problem. A bug was keeping him from logging data on the NEMI tablet. Though deceptively simple, Lu Han finally had to ask to keep it and told Chanyeol to take one of the extra tablets while he continued to fiddle with his main one.

“Sorry for the inconvenience, this’ll take me a while to sort out,” Lu Han said apologetically. “I’m going to have to troubleshoot this with the NEMI network security folks.”

“Ah, darn. I’d been doing so well too,” Chanyeol sighed in response. “Okay, I gotta run. But I think I’ve got an idea to deal with your height phobia for the tower stuff. See ya later!” He ran out of the office. Lu Han stared at the door, a strange feeling blooming in his chest. _He’s so considerate, even when he’s under stress…_ thought Lu Han. He’d just… Lu Han was only used to having his needs attended to when it was his friends. _Maybe it was just--_

“That’s really… nice of him,” Kyungsoo said slowly, interrupting his thoughts. Lu Han looked at his officemate, and tilted his head in an unspoken question. “It’s probably nothing, but that was a fast ‘nice’ response, even for Chanyeol. Maybe… maybe you’re right to be cautious. 

Uh-oh. Fuck.

_____________________

The next day, Lu Han hurriedly drove to Starbucks and flipped open his laptop, powering up Skype. He needed back-up, and it was beyond time to talk to Jongin. Maybe he’d have an idea how to handle this, he was so used to turning around people’s advances.

Jongin, as Lu Han’s roommate of four years, tended to be the kind of person you spoke really well to when you managed to be in the same time and place as them. Otherwise he was elusive, tending to prefer spending time with his girlfriend, his personal space, and the studio. Usually, but not always in that order. Therefore, Lu Han was the perfect roommate, barging into Jongin’s world and always dragging him out of his shell. Jongin liked to give Lu Han shit for it, but they both knew it was a good relationship.

He was also drop-dead gorgeous, and with one sweet smile could have anything he asked for. Soojung, his girlfriend, liked to call it the “Kai effect.” The Kai effect made it maddenly easy to forgive Jongin anything, and even after four years Lu Han was still not immune. Still, it had been a whole fucking month since they’d last talked. Time to bug him about life. Jongin had to know that even in France, he couldn’t escape Lu Han’s clutches.

luhanistheman: shit, Jongin  
luhanistheman: hey  
luhanistheman: hey  
luhanistheman: hey  
luhanistheman: hey  
luhanistheman: HEY  
kailovesdogs: wtf hyung pls  
luhanistheman: are you even still alive  
kailovesdogs: ...yes. just cuz I don’t message you _mom_ doesn’t mean I’m dead  
luhanistheman: don’t call me that  
luhanistheman: we don’t have to talk  
luhanistheman: hmph

>Incoming call<

Lu Han pressed the accept call button.

“Hyung, I interpreted that as your passive-aggressive way of asking me to call you. Love you too,” smirked the boy on the video call. 

“Oh, please. I could totally live without talking to you,” Lu Han snarked in return, smiling. Technically, he could, and he had for a whole month, but he ignored that.

Jongin scoffed. “As if, hyung. Anyway, what’s up?”

“Jongin, my life is over. Over, I tell you,” Lu Han whined. Jongin chuckled, a deep purr over the headphones. Lu Han suddenly, truly, missed Jongin, feeling it physically like a punch to his solar plexus. He covered it with a dramatically-placed hand on his face. It’s kind of his favorite pose.

“Is it another boy, hyung?” Jongin asked teasingly. Hand still over his face, Lu Han nodded.

Sighing, he replied, “And guess where he’s from.”

“Ohh boy. He must be French! No? Swedish? No? Ah, _definitely_ Mexican.” Lu Han took the hand off his face and glared at the webcam.

Jongin’s teasing smile slipped off, and his face turned serious. “Hyung, what are you doing? Is he Korean American at least? You know how we Koreans are. Really set in our ways.”

Oh, Lu Han knew, if the last few boyfriends were anything to go by. He’d even fallen for Jongin before finding out that Jongin was as straight as an arrow. Unfortunate, really, because they got along so well.

But still. He narrowed his eyes at Jongin. “Bullshit. Not all Koreans are like that. Maybe the first two, but Minseok was good to me.” With Minseok, he had for the first time felt truly wanted, and needed. And Minseok was not just anyone - he was practically a paragon of virtue, community service-oriented, a doctor-to-be, and perfect.

And he wanted Lu Han, of all people, wanted to elevate Lu Han to be a paragon too. God knows Lu Han needed to be that person, and he was doing a pretty good job for two months of effort. He just had to not screw up with Chanyeol.

Jongin raised an eyebrow, as if trying to challenge Lu Han’s point. Then, he sighed. “Let’s not get into old arguments. I’m sorry. I want to hear about your life, hyung.”

“Mm, it’s the middle of nowhere. I love my coworkers--remember what you warned me about keeping my distance and being professional? …I don’t think that really applies here.”

“How do you mean?” Jongin asked, crossing his arms in front of him and leaning on them.

“Hm,” Lu Han said, “if I had to pick a close equivalent, NEMI’s like summer camp. Everyone’s pretty openly touchy and friendly. Plus they’re literally all I have - we hang out on the weekends and drink together. I don’t really have any friends from town.”

“Huuuh. That’s pretty unique.”

“Tell me about it,” Lu Han laughed. “Sehun and Yixing tell me how I lucked out all the time. Their office jobs sound pretty hectic.” He scrunches his nose at the screen. “They chose the consulting life though.”

Jongin laughed too. “They did indeed. Busy busy. Yixing did get a nice gig where he got paid to come to France, though. It was great to see him even with heavier bags under his eyes.”

“Ooh, speaking of… how is France? I demand details, Jongin.”

Jongin smiled, and Lu Han could see the stars in his eyes. “The city is as beautiful as I remembered it. I finally started going out to dance again and I've even made some social dance friends. Not the same as Sehun and Yixing but it's only been a month. It's hard to find someone I can really be close with…. I swear--all the people I talk to are hitting on me, guys and girls alike.”

 _Only Jongin would find people falling for him a hassle_ , Lu Han thought grumpily. “Just tell them you’re committed,” he said out loud. 

“I do! I don’t know, they’re just very aggressive. As if throwing themselves at me means that I’ll cheat on the light of my life.”

“Speaking of the light, how _is_ Soojung doing?” Lu Han asked, half out of obligation and half out of curiosity. Since Soojung had graduated first, the two had started a long distance relationship as Soojung pursued her Ph.D. The relationship continued past Jongin’s graduation. The two were disgustingly cute.

It had, unfortunately, driven a wedge between Lu Han and Jongin at a point last year, because they were doing so well and Lu Han, well, his relationship wasn’t going so hot. He once let out his frustration at Soojung’s presence on Jongin, lashing out. Jongin had to take him to the side and talk him down, and Minseok had also told him to cut it out. Luckily they were able salvage their friendship. Soojung wisely stayed out of the whole situation, but she's still cautious around Lu Han.

With the mention of Soojung’s name, Jongin’s face lit up. “She’s doing well, actually! Thanks for asking, hyung. She bugs me to talk to you all the time so I’m glad you reached out first.”

“Next thing you know, she’ll be my girlfriend,” Lu Han replied, winking. Jongin simply rolled his eyes. It was an old joke between them.

“As if,” scoffed Jongin. “She’s got better taste than that. Look at this body.” He body rolled on camera. Lu Han smacked his lips obnoxiously, earning glares from the nearby Starbucks customers. He ignored them and wiggled his head suggestively.

“Don’t worry. I have dreamed about that body,” he joked. Well, it wasn’t totally untrue. “But anyway, how do you actually deal with people asking you out?”

The other boy bit his lip, shifting in his seat. “I mostly ignore him until they get the hint. Or I introduce them to Soojung and they give up pretty quickly.”

“Ugh, lucky. The ignoring method didn’t help me, and I can’t really use that second method.” At least, not yet. Lu Han brightened at that thought.

“That’s too bad, hyung. Since he’s your coworker the cold shoulder method won’t work. But don’t go any further. Not again, no matter how great that guy is. Another Korean isn’t worth it. I know I’m speaking generally and I shouldn’t but our culture is just, super conservative,” Jongin warned, all serious.

Lu Han pursed his lips. “But that's it. I don't want this, but he’s so damn charming. What do I do?”

Jongin hummed noncommittally. “I don't know hyung. That’s your second problem right there. I’m not actually interested in the people who like me. But what I do know is that you're not ready. You've got to love who you are, I certainly do, before anything.”

Lu Han shrugged. “Sure, Jonginnie.”

Jongin gave him an exasperated look but decided not to push it further. He glanced at the bottom right of his screen, presumably at the clock, and looked remorseful. “I don’t have any more time, I’ve got to go to bed. Just... be careful, won’t you? Love you, bye!”

“Same here,” Lu Han responded before he hit the end call button. Staring at the Skype home screen, he felt, well, like a fuck-up. What was he going to do? At this rate he was going to totally screw up. Two months felt immeasurably long. Could he stamp these feelings out by then?

_____________________


	5. Out in the Field

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, slight change - Lu Han's 22, everyone at El Dorado and work is older than him, Kyungsoo is 29. I originally had Kyungsoo as 35, but this age change is so that it fits in with the storyline I'd created for the baeksoo fest that's posting soon (yay). Here's some backstory and a bit more about what's going on with Lu Han. Hope you guys like it~.
> 
> Also, NEMI = National Ecological Monitoring Institute, where Lu Han works. Bangtan boys are in the background and won't be in the limelight much.

Monday morning rolled back around. Lu Han came into work early to respond to some emails from the other NEMI sites and get a grasp of his week. After finishing up, he locked his computer, grabbed his notebook, and ambled to the meeting room. 

Amber and Chanyeol were already inside, chatting amiably. They both raised a hand in greeting to Lu Han when he entered. “Morning! Heard you want to come out into the wilderness with us,” Amber said. 

Lu Han pulled out a chair, wincing at the scraping noise. “Yep, that’s me. Wilderness boy.” Both of them chuckled, as well as Chen when he walked by. He was followed by two others who nodded politely at Lu Han. Lu Han nodded back and made a face at a still-grinning Chen.

“Oh, yeah, totally. The wilderness of the computers,” Chen snarked. 

Lu Han flipped the bird at him. “Ganging up on me is totally unfair. I’ll have you all know I went backpacking every summer break of my college years. I’m comfortable in the woods,” he replied. A placating pat on the back - Kyungsoo, as he pulled out the chair next to Lu Han.

“They’re just teasing,” he said softly, “but let me know if you’d like me to maim one of them,” and Lu Han grinned at him. It still boggles him how Kyungsoo can look so angelic while saying something so terrifying.

“I know, and I don’t require your services… yet,” he replied, winking. “How was your weekend?” 

Kyungsoo stretched his arms above his head, yawning. “Baek dragged me out to Berkeley Springs for the spas. It was nice. I kind of want to go back there and soak forever.”

Lu Han nodded as Sulli and Victoria filed in, closely followed by Junmyeon. A few more temps come in and finally, at 8 AM on the dot, their boss strolled in.

“Good morning everyone,” Sooman greeted, and a chorus of mornings followed. They all went around, reporting what had been done the last week and what new protocols would be done this week. At the end, Sooman said, “And this week we’ll take Lu Han out into the field. This’ll be good so he gets more of an understanding of the challenges you all face, and be better able to respond. Any volunteers?”

Amber raised her hand before Junmyeon could. “I’ll take him to do plants!” she hollered. Sooman nodded. Sticking a tongue out at Junmyeon, she fistpumped in victory. Junmyeon merely rolled his eyes and sat back. The mammal temps looked at each other before Victoria finally volunteered to take him trapping. 

“This leaves us with the tower techs. Chanyeol, Chen, Hoseok. Any takers?”

The three of them looked at each other before Chanyeol leaned forward to talk. “Actually, I had an idea. Hoseok’s got a GoPro he said we could use for this. One of us could wear it and have it stream to Lu Han’s computer through the network. It’d be like he’s out with us in the field.” Lu Han gaped at Chanyeol. What a sweet idea.

“How would he be able to interact with you?” Sooman asked after a moment of digesting. 

“He could type up the questions that come to mind and I’ll come debrief with him afterwards. I could also bring a walkie-talkie if you think real-time is best,” Chanyeol followed up. He had obviously put a lot of thought into this. Lu Han glanced at Kyungsoo, who merely looked thoughtful. Kyungsoo met his eyes and mouthed, “Later.” He nodded and sat back again.

Sooman grunted. “That sounds fine, as long as you’re doing it. You’d be the fastest, Chen and Hoseok don’t need to be slowed down by this. Use one of the hands-free sets for the walkie talkie.” Chanyeol grinned and shot his boss a thumbs up. “Okay, all dismissed. Let’s get back to our lives and get protocols done.”

As everyone gathered their belongings to leave, Lu Han ran out after Chanyeol. He caught up to him in the hallway, lunging to catch his wrist and ending up awkwardly crouching with the other hand braced on his thigh. “W-wait a sec,” he panted. Those damn long legs.

“Oh, hey Lu Han. What’s up?”

Lu Han held up his unoccupied hand, signaling that he was still catching his breath. He put it down and said, “I just… wanted to thank you. You really didn’t have to.” He straightened and his breath caught for a different reason.

Chanyeol was smiling softly, eyes squinted a little. “I know, I just... wanted to. I guess I just, I dunno, I love my job, and I didn’t want you to not be able to understand. Speaking of my job, I gotta go. Think you could bear to let me?” He lifted his hand and waggled his fingers. Realizing he still held Chanyeol’s wrist, Lu Han let out a soft “oh!” and dropped it like a burning coal.

“Y-yeah, no problem. Have your hand back. I’ll see ya later.”

“You’re cute. Bye!” Chanyeol left as Lu Han spluttered at the comment. How maddeningly endearing. He stared at his hand for a bit, feeling the fondness grow. Wanting to fight it, but feeling happy to be so considered. 

Shit.

Kyungsoo finally pulled him along back to their office, rolling his eyes.

_____________________

Lu Han is amazed and just a little terrified at how Amber plows through dirt roads without a care for the world. She had sized him up at the beginning, declaring, “You’re in for a ride. Think you can handle it, Lu Han?”

“I can handle anything you throw at me, Amber,” he’d shot back, not one to back down from a challenge. He didn’t like that he’d garnered a reputation as an office bot, and was ready to change his image.

He regretted it a little. Amber seemed to be one of those people who tackled everything with gusto and recklessness, and driving was not an exception. He hoped he would walk away with his life - if he could even walk. He could feel his legs turning to jelly as the white pick-up truck shuddered to a halt. 

“Does she do this all the time?” he whined at Sulli, who had been whooping in the backseat. 

Sulli grinned at him. “I think she actually took it easy on you. Besides, this is one of the easier locations for the actual transects, so count yourself lucky.”

Today, Amber and Sulli had teamed up to take him on doing plant transects. From his introductory ecology class, he remembered that a transect was usually fifty meters long, and two meters wide. Two people were a requirement for setting up a transect - one person held one end of a reel measuring tape while the other dragged the other end out to fifty meters. You then left the measuring tape in place, set out flags a meter from each end, and voila! Now you identified every unique invasive plant, and counted each tree in that area.

Now, that sounded great in theory, and a perfectly reasonable method when sitting in class on a laptop, taking notes. It was kind of terrible in practice, as you had to walk determinedly through a tangle of vines, thorns, and spiderwebs to walk the full fifty meters. And invasive plants were called invasive for a good reason - they were _everywhere_. Meanwhile, the baby trees that managed not to get choked to death were still well hidden in the sea of invasives, plus poison ivy.

The two plant technicians set up the transect in record time. Lu Han was impressed despite knowing that this was what they did for a living. Luckily, they had assumed—correctly—that Lu Han could not tell one plant for another. It all looked like a great big mess to him. So his job was to use the electronic tablet and record the plants identified as Amber and Sulli went.

“Multiflora rose, ow motherfucker!” She had brushed up against the invasive rose, and gotten pricked. “Plus five ash trees.”

“Oh, you cute white oak. These ferns are pretty - don’t record that Lu Han - oh, a hickory.”

“Fuck this Microstegium. Lu Han, this sea of grass-looking thing is Microstegium. You’ll remember that pretty quickly - you can identify it by the thin band through the middle of the leaf. It shines in the sun.” Lu Han, while struggling to enter in all the data correctly, grunted in reply.

“Could you guys maybe, slow down a bit,” he finally said. The two looked at him in surprise and then wore matching sheepish expressions. 

“Sorry,” Sulli apologized. “I’m just so used to entering the data that I forget how hard it is at first.” 

Lu Han huffed. “No need to apologize. I’m also trying to mentally write down all the ways this could be better. There’s no need for goddamn data entry to be so difficult.”

Shrugging, Amber said, “Eh, it’s no problem once you get used to it. Besides, changing it now might just make it difficult for the techs already used to it. Why don’t you save that for next season?”

“Oh. Good idea,” Lu Han admitted. “That way I can review the changes with the other data managers.” He’d finally walked through the mess to be close enough to Amber and Sulli.

Amber grinned and smacked him heartily on the back, eliciting a yelp from Lu Han. “No problem. Just making sure you don’t make our lives harder and not easier! Let’s continue.”

When they were nearly done with the transect, they’d finally reached a good rhythm. “And, done! One transect down, fourteen to go!” Amber crowed as she enthusiastically reeled in the measuring tape.

“Fourteen more?” Lu Han spluttered. It’d taken them just over forty-five minutes to finish one, and that wasn’t counting the time that it took to get there.

“Don’t worry, Lu Han. Now we just walk a hundred meters away from here, using the GPS, and start another one. The first one always takes the longest. We’ll be cranking these out in twenty minutes in no time!” Sulli reassured him. Lu Han must have looked unconvinced, because she added impishly, “Unless you don’t think you can keep up with us, office boy?”

He glared at her. Somehow all of his coworkers had found out about his competitive streak. “Just you watch. We’ll be done in no time,” he snapped, and shoved the rest of the equipment - flags, reel measuring tape, and a liter water bottle for each of the three - into his beat-up Swiss Army backpack. He struggled off with it, Amber and Sulli following and chuckling good-naturedly.

To his surprise, the transects really did go much faster now that Lu Han was getting used to the pace of identifications. He even surprised himself by realizing he was beginning to recognize the plants as the techs got to them.

They finally took a late break for lunch around 2 PM, walking back nearly a thousand meters to the truck. Lu Han threw the backpack into the bed of the pick-up truck and hauled himself in after it, groaning. He was glad Amber had parked it in the shade - otherwise the bed would be boiling hot to the touch. 

A sandwich whacked him in the face. “Here, I made an extra,” Amber said, laughing at Lu Han’s indignant splutter. “I saw you didn’t really pack anything for lunch. Rookie mistake, nuts aren’t going to cut it.” 

He scratched the back of his neck, embarrassed. He had realized too late he hadn’t had anything portable for food and had only packed two granola bars and a whole bag of spicy peanuts. “Thanks, I’ll remember that next time.”

“Mom, didja pack anything for meee?” Sulli cajoled, jumping onto Amber’s back. Amber caught her with an oof, and began to run around with her.

“Nope, you know how to take care of yourself!” she yelled while Sulli shrieked. Lu Han laughed at their antics, sipping at his water. He was also amazed they had so much energy after more than half a day of field work. _We’ve got more to do though_ , his mind groaned at him.

They calmed down enough to scarf down their lunch and bask a little in the shade. “So, Lu Han. Actually, that name’s not cute enough for you. I’m gonna call you Xiao Lu,” Amber declared.

Lu Han blinked at her. “That’s what my parents and old Chinese school friends used to call me,” he said, feeling a punch of nostalgia. She beamed at him, throwing an arm around his shoulder.

“Perfect, you’re the youngest around here anyways so I’ll tell everyone to call you that.” Lu Han shrugged. It was an innocuous nickname, could be worse. “Anyway, you getting all buddy-buddy with Chanyeol now?”

“Ooh, is it gossip time?” Sulli asked, excitedly, as she threw her legs over both Lu Han’s and Amber’s. “If you’d like, I can tell you all about Chanyeol. We used to date, you know.”

Amber gasped. “Used to? I thought you guys were still an item!” 

Sulli rolled her eyes at her roommate. “No, silly. We broke up a month ago. Amicably, even. He’s just too much of a puppy for me.” Lu Han was also gaping at her. “What, something to say, _Xiao_ Lu?”

He closed his jaw with a snap, making Sulli giggle. “I, no. I just… it might be too rude for me to say?” 

“Just say it. I promise not to be offended!” Sulli said.

“Well, how was your break-up amicable?”

She closed her eyes and leaned on Amber. “I realized my feelings were pretty platonic and told him as much. He admitted he’d been feeling it too. I mean, I feel a little bad about it, but you can’t help what you feel, right?”

That sentiment haunted Lu Han through the rest of the day. He’d gotten used enough to the data entry that his mind could wander as he did it. _You can’t help what you feel_.

But what did that mean when you were sure you were in love with one person, and maybe falling for another?

_____________________

That night, Lu Han stayed a little later in the office to Skype with Sehun. He again silently lamented the fact that his living quarters, El Dorado, had no wifi, but his office felt like home enough.

Sehun picked up, grinning. “Hey, hyung. It’ll have to be short tonight because I still have to pack for Florida.”

“Florida??” Lu Han could not keep track of these kids.

“Yeah, I’m going to be doing my consulting magic in Florida. Can’t tell you much besides saying that I’ll be near Orlando and that they’re paying for a rental car. Pretty sweet deal.”

Grumbling, Lu Han replied, “I’m a little jealous. Not jealous of the whole nomadic lifestyle, but jealous of the money they’re spending on you.”

Sehun laughed. “Of course, I’m practically a business wizard and handsome to boot. They better drop the big bucks for me,” he replied, winking. Lu Han rolled his eyes at him, waving his comment off. “Speaking of big bucks, Yixing’s not here cuz he’s finally getting laid.”

“Whoa. Details, stat.”

“Her name’s BoA, and she’s a senior at my consulting firm. I brought Yixing to a work party, and next thing I know they’re slipping off together.”

“Man,” Lu Han said admiringly, “I forget how suave Yixing is when he looks so spacey all the time.”

“Right?” chuckled Sehun. “They’re actually pretty cute together though. Anyway, what’s new in your life?”

“I had my first day of fieldwork today and am going out again tomorrow!” Lu Han said. “Be excited for me.”

“I am very excited,” Sehun said, dead-pan. “Just look at this face.”

Lu Han mocked him, “I’m Sehun Oh. I only have RBF and my face will be stuck this way.”

“How mature. Anyway, why’s that exciting again? The outdoors is gross and full of bugs.”

“It is _exciting_ because I get to see how the technology I’m fixing up really works! And I’m bonding with my roommates. I went out with Amber and Sulli today, Victoria tomorrow, and more on Thursday.”

“They all live in that huge house with you right? El… Dorado was the name?” Lu Han nodded, and Sehun suddenly frowned. “Isn’t… Sulli the one going out with Chanyeol?” 

“Wow, good memory,” Lu Han managed. He’d planned on not telling Sehun and Yixing the news they had broken up. Easier to let them think Chanyeol was taken than to explain how _he_ was already taken. “Anyway yeah, it was really fun today and it’ll be great.”

Sehun was already distracted, yelping at the alarm coming from his phone. “That’s my cue. I gotta go pack now or else Yixing will come home and look all disappointed at me.”

“He’s coming home?”

“Oh yeah. Something about not being proper to stay the night at Boa’s house before they’ve been officially dating for a while, blah bla bla. What a gentleman.”

Lu Han snorted, unsurprised. “Well, good luck packing and safe travels. Talk to ya later.”

_____________________

The day after, Victoria took him mammal trapping. He took lots of pictures of the mammals they’d caught in the traps - a tiny mouse, a disgruntled squirrel. He appreciated Victoria explaining everything in a soft voice, making sure Lu Han understood everything. She became even more enthusiastic when Lu Han asked her what could improve with the software, and he had to scramble to take physical notes because her suggestions were fantastic. She also mentioned that she might be moving out of El Dorado soon, but she'd still be working there.

He came away from that happy to realize that he could really consider Victoria a friend, especially when she told him he could consult her further on the mammal technology whenever.

But of course, the dreaded field day arrived when it was time to do the towers. Lu Han and Chanyeol were sitting next to the bookshelf in Lu Han’s office, Chanyeol explaining to Lu Han what other field equipment was necessary, when Kyungsoo entered the office. Chanyeol finished up his explanation as he fitted himself with the correct straps - “to make sure I can attach myself to the tower in case I slip on the morning dew” - slipped the hands-free set around his neck, and mounted the GoPro on his head.

“All good?” Chanyeol asked as Lu Han fiddled with his computer settings. 

“Let’s try in the hallway,” Lu Han suggested, and pushed him out. He ran back to his computer and saw the video firing on, a taller view of the hallway than he was used to, and put on his own headset. “Hello?” he whispered into the mic, not wanting Chanyeol to be confused by the sounds coming the office.

“Hey!” Chanyeol boomed, loud enough for Lu Han to wince. He’d heard that from both outside and his headset. 

He turned down his volume, and asked Chanyeol to try again. This time it was perfect. “Alright, we’re good to go. See you soon!” he said. The video shuttered off and the walkie-talkie disconnected from Lu Han’s computer.

Chanyeol came back into the office, giving Lu Han a hug before he left. Lu Han was torn between wanting to look annoyed and feeling traitorously happy.

Kyungsoo, who had witnessed all of this, snorted. “He’s got it bad but it looks like you do too.”

“N-no,” Lu Han protested, too quickly. He bit his lip. “I can’t talk about it… here at least.”

“Come over after work today, then,” Kyungsoo suggested. “It’s been a while since the party and Baek probably wants to see you too. I’ll text him now.”

“Oh, okay,” Lu Han said, taken aback. “Yeah, that sounds good.” Kyungsoo smiled at him and picked up his phone.

Crackling from his headset accompanied the video feed on his computer coming back to life. “Talk to you later, Kyungsoo,” Lu Han said and put his headset on.

“Hey, can you hear me?” Chanyeol asked. The static was killer from the wind, so Lu Han fiddled with the volume controls for a bit. 

“Hold on a sec… you’re good now. You’re at the tower?” A thumbs-up appeared in the view of the GoPro. “Okay. Whenever you’re ready.”

Chanyeol launched into his tour. “Here’s the straps. I attach one to the ladder when I’m heading up, here’s the view around the tower bottom.” He swiveled the camera around slightly. “These weeds are especially annoying because they hide lots of ticks. It’s probably a good thing you stayed behind.”

Lu Han loved how his deep chuckle rumbled over the headset, which was surprisingly good at capturing Chanyeol’s low baritone. “Probably. Kyungsoo would hate me if I brought back ticks.”

“I would never forgive you,” Kyungsoo dead-panned, loud enough for Chanyeol to hear.

“Good thing that Kyungsoo loves me. You can’t go through undergrad AND grad school together and not love each other,” Chanyeol replied. Lu Han relayed it to Kyungsoo, who rolled his eyes and waved at Lu Han to continue. He mouthed, “Easily distracted.”

Lu Han got the cue. “That’s good to know. Anyway, ready whenever you are.” 

Chanyeol began to scale the tower. Lu Han felt his palms get clammy with nerves, even though he was experiencing all of this second hand. Luckily, Chanyeol had tipped the GoPro upwards so even when he looked down, all Lu Han saw was the ladder.

Problem was, he could also see _through_ the ladder, and at some point he began to see tree tips and rolling hills. Chanyeol paused, adjusting something, and said, “Hey. I can hear your breathing getting unsteady. How about a few deep breaths? Breathe with me.” Lu Han snapped back into focus, breathing as instructed. His white-knuckled grip on the desk eased - he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding his desk.

Lu Han took another shuddering breath and said, “Thanks. I think I’m good. Is that the first level?”

“Yep. You made it to the below canopy level! Congrats.” Chanyeol quickly showed himself latching a strap to the first level rail, and then unlatching the ladder strap. Lu Han focused on Chanyeol’s nimble hands and not on the terrifying view of the forest visible in the metal grids of the tower balcony. “Here, I fiddle with the controls and let the tablet communicate with the tower. Any irregularities are detected by the nifty program you help run, and they’re usually pretty simple to troubleshoot. A bird pooped on a sensor, that kind of thing.” Lu Han was even able to let out a chuckle at that. “Haha, kinda shitty right?”

Lu Han groaned. “Leave the bad jokes to me and focus.” 

Chanyeol wiggled the camera view. “It’s part of my charm. Ah!” The tablet dinged in the background. “Looks like we’re good here. Next level, here we come.” The next two levels were more of the same, Lu Han focusing on Chanyeol’s breathing and Chanyeol bantering with him when the view got particularly difficult to deal with. 

The best distraction was Chanyeol telling Lu Han about his background. “I’m from Seoul, originally. Lived there all my life until end of high school. It was a tough choice between UC Davis and K-ARTS. Oh, K-ARTS is—”

“Korea’s National University of Arts,” Lu Han completed. “Oh sorry, didn’t mean to cut you off. I studied abroad for a semester in Seoul, actually, at SNU.”

“Ah, so that’s how your Korean’s so good.” _Well, that and ex-boyfriends_. Chanyeol didn’t have to know though. “I was pretty torn between music and biology. I loved both and didn’t think I’d manage to get into both schools. My decision was pretty much made for me though. I got into a huge fight with my parents when they found out I was dating a guy in senior year of school.”

Lu Han sucked in a fast breath. Not wanting Chanyeol to misunderstand, he stammered, “Sorry, that sounded bad. I’m—I just—wow, that sucks.”

Chanyeol made a sad sound. “Yeah. My sister was supportive but, God. It doesn’t matter that I’m bi and not gay. They wanted to reform me, and I wanted out of their ‘efforts.’ In turn, told me never to come home again until I brought back a girlfriend. So I chose UC Davis and pretty much the States, and haven’t been back since.”

Finishing up his tablet recording, Chanyeol straightened. “But enough about me. We’re pretty much done here. Tell me a bit on the way down, accompany me for that lonely bit.”

Lu Han found himself smiling at the cute way Chanyeol had said that. “Not much here. I graduated three months ago from undergrad. Wow, it’s been a while.”

Chanyeol whistled. “You’re a young’un then. How old are you again?”

“22.”

“Damn. I feel like an old man at 28. It’s been a while since my undergrad.” 

“Most of my life besides school was club soccer. It’s how I got interested in learning Korean, since a lot of my teammates were Korean for some reason.” An innocuous enough explanation.

“That’s cool that they inspired you that much. But from what I know of Korean culture at American undergrads, they tend to bunch together and speak Korean all the time. I liked that for a while but it got old pretty quickly. Plus, when I met Baekhyun, my circle expanded enough so I didn’t have to be limited to the other Koreans.” 

“Haha, Baekhyun does seem to be a well-connected guy. My really close friends from soccer overlapped with the hip-hop team I joined for fun, so I ended up just hanging with them a lot. Yixing, Jongin, Sehun… and Min… seok.” He counted as a… friend, right?

Luckily, they’d reached the ground by that point so Chanyeol was too preoccupied by unlatching his straps to notice Lu Han’s strange pauses. “Haha, thanks for accompanying me down. That’s it for the grand tower tour. Any questions?”

Lu Han shook his head, and then realized Chanyeol couldn’t see him. “No, I’m good. It looks like the measures we’ve been working on with the technology are working out well. Let’s talk tomorrow to debrief.” Another flash of a thumbs-up.

“I had fun. Talk later!” The feed cut out, as did the headset. Lu Han slumped back in his chair, feeling like he’d done a lot even though he’d only been along for the ride.

Kyungsoo was looking at him strangely. Lu Han tilted his head in an unspoken question at his officemate, who pursed his lips. “We definitely need to talk,” Kyungsoo said. No saying no to that tone.

“Okay,” Lu Han said. It was probably for the best. He needed to talk with someone who really knew Chanyeol, and maybe… just maybe, he could confide a bit in Kyungsoo. 

_____________________

They carpooled to Kyungsoo’s place, Kyungsoo waving off Lu Han’s protests. “You can sleep over, we’ve got plenty of room for you. Plus, this is better for the environment.” Lu Han gave up at that, realizing resistance was futile. 

“Thanks, I guess. You kidnapper, you.” Kyungsoo ignored his comment, turning on the radio. _Despacito_ came on and Lu Han began to jam out with Kyungsoo in the car.

Soon, they were pulling into Kyungsoo’s driveway. As soon as Lu Han was inside, he was greeted by an enthusiastic toy poodle. “Hello, what’s your name?” Lu Han cooed at it, plopping down in an easy crouch. 

“That’s Meok. You didn’t meet him last time because we kept him upstairs. Yes I know, you’re a good boy.” The latter was directed at Meok, who jumped into Kyungsoo’s arms and started licking his face.

Lu Han walked over to the couch and sank into it. The couch may be ugly, but the brown leather was comfortable. A sleek, black cat walked over and meowed at him. Lu Han meowed back at him, grinning like an idiot. The cat blinked its large blue eyes and deigned to let Lu Han pet him. “And this gorgeous…” Lu Han checked quickly, “man?”

“That’s Chen. I know, it’s confusing. I didn’t expect to actually work with a Chen, but that’s life. So while Baek’s not home yet, talk to me.” Kyungsoo joined Lu Han on the couch, but on the opposite end, body angled towards his. He gazed into Lu Han’s eyes until the latter broke eye contact, staring into Chen’s fur instead. “I didn’t want to pry earlier but now it involves a close friend and his feelings, so….”

Lu Han sighed. “I don’t think I’m ready to tell you everything, yet, but I… I want you to understand. I don’t want to like Chanyeol. I’ve promised someone else that I’d prove myself to be good enough for them.”

“What does good enough mean?” Lu Han glared at Kyungsoo before realizing that it was a valid question. He frowned and looked down at Chen. Chen, who was purring in his lap, thankfully preventing him from losing too much control by providing him with an anchor.

“He said I’m... too pretty. That I’d move on from him in an instant, so I should prove that I won’t even while we’re apart.” It sounded pathetic, he knew. That’s why he’d never told anyone, not even Sehun or Yixing or Jongin. But… “It’s just, I can’t give up. It’s the first relationship where I’ve loved someone so, where I found someone I want to be with.” He glanced at Kyungsoo, wanting Kyungsoo to see the earnestness in his eyes.

He saw instead that Kyungsoo had a heartbreakingly sad expression on his face. “I’m sorry, that’s just such a shitty situation,” he whispered to Lu Han. He shuffled over closer to Lu Han and held Lu Han’s hand. “And I guess Chanyeol with his timing is somehow proving that person right?”

Lu Han closed his eyes and let his head loll off the top of the couch. He squeezed Kyungsoo’s hand, trying to gather strength. “Yes.” The simple confession let a weight off his chest. “I am trying my darnedest to let it not, but, fuck. Chanyeol’s too easy to like. What does that say about me?”

“It says that you are a human being with needs. People’s feelings change.”

“My feelings can’t change. I swore they wouldn’t and I’m a man of my word.” Kyungsoo let go of Lu Han’s hand, getting off of the couch. Lu Han opened his eyes to see Kyungsoo looking at him sadly.

“Oh, Lu Han.”

“I’m sorry, that’s all I’m going to say now.” Suddenly, his stomach rumbled, embarrassingly loud. The sound startled a laugh out of Kyungsoo.

“Sure, sure. Come help me make dinner.”

Baekhyun arrived back as soon as they finished setting out the plates for three. “I’m home, darling!” he yelled. “Oh, hello, Lu Han! Or, is it Xiao Lu now?”

Lu Han looked at him, surprised. “How did you…?”

Walking by with the last dish, Kyungsoo said, “Baekhyun’s more in touch with my coworkers than I am, sometimes. Is that a new nickname?”

“Yep! Since Lu Han’s the youngest of all of us. Amber told me she took you outdoors and you actually seemed pretty comfortable with it.”

Lu Han scuffed the floor with his sock. “Yeah, I actually like being outdoors and stuff. I’m just chained to my desk usually, like Kyungsoo is.” They shared a smile, sitting down at the table.

Leaning on his chair, Baekhyun hummed. “Why don’t you come camping with us this weekend?” he asked. “It’s really good weather now, not too hot and not too cold. Usually me, Soo, Junmyeon, Amber, Sulli, and Chanyeol. We’ve got an extra tent you could borrow.”

 

Kyungsoo began putting food on his plate, and gestured at Lu Han to do the same. “You don’t have to come, of course, but it’ll be fun.” Lu Han was grateful that Kyungsoo was providing him with an out.

 _Is the camping trip really a good idea?_ he thought as he scooped some food on his own plate. _Then again, it could be an opportunity to really solidify a friend-zoning of Chanyeol_. “Yeah, actually. I’d like to go.”

“Great. I’ll let everyone know!” Baekhyun made to walk away, but Kyungsoo grabbed him.

“Food first, Baek.” Baekhyun rolled his eyes but obeyed, sitting down to eat.

After dinner, Kyungsoo popped his head into the guest room to ask if Lu Han needed anything.

“Nope, I’m all settled for bed. See you in the morning.”

“And are you sure about the camping trip?”

Lu Han smiled at his officemate. He looked scary, but was caring beyond belief. “Yes, _mom_. God, I can feel the seven-year distance now.”

Kyungsoo smiled back. “Brat. I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into. Try to turn down Chanyeol in an obvious way. He’s kinda oblivious.”

“Okay.” Lu Han, too, hoped he knew what he was doing. Two months was on the line for this.

_____________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little slow cuz character development and all that. buckle your seatbelts kids, the next chapter's going to have drama.


	6. Camping Trip Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh this took me longer than expected to do! The weekend ended up being super busy plus all the eclipse fun. But managed to get it done - enjoy!

Lu Han unearthed the large backpacking pack he’d stashed in his large, slightly dusty closet, shoving aside a few colorful winter blankets. Though he protested his coworkers’ teasing and claimed he was an avid hiker, he’d actually meant he liked doing it once a year. He knew all the basics, like packing granola bars and the importance of weight distribution, but “avid” was a stretch.

He threw in his sleeping bag and pad, and two reusable water bottles. Lu Han was pleasantly surprised to discover a few camping meals he’d stashed away in his closet in a small Tupperware, and added those as well. Better more than less for food if they were heading out for the whole four-day weekend. After a few more items, he propped his hands on his hips and declared, “Done!”

Junmyeon popped his head into their shared room. “Ready to go, then?” he asked. “My boyfriend’s outside, he’ll drive.”

“Yep, I’m ready—UGH!” he grunted the last part as he heaved the backpack onto his back. He looked sheepishly at Junmyeon, who was hiding a smile with his hand. “It’s been a while,” Lu Han pouted at his roommate.

“I’m sure it has. Come on, let’s go! Don’t want to keep the others waiting. Amber and Sulli already left for the employee parking lot and will meet us there.” Lu Han wobbled down the stairs - maybe he had forgotten how exactly the weight distribution worked, and was glad he could make it to the car. He had a sinking feeling about camping if walking to a car was this difficult, but then dismissed it. It’ll be fine, probably.

He carefully fitted his backpack into the trunk of the gray Honda CR-V. Junmyeon pointed out the extra tent he'd brought for Lu Han, a dark green and brown bag latched up tight, and Lu Han hugged him. “Thanks! I was dreading sleeping under the open sky for three nights in a row.”

Junmyeon patted him on the back. “No biggie. I can sleep with my boyfriend.” He parted from Lu Han and opened the back door for him. “After you.”

“So gallant. My heart is fluttering,” Lu Han teased. Junmyeon lightly shoved him on the way in and closed the door. 

His roommate, beaming, then jumped in the passenger seat and exclaimed, “Let's go!”

Junmyeon’s boyfriend wore sunglasses that covered most of his face. His eyebrows were the most distinctive part of his face, Lu Han decided, their thickness giving him a severe look. Despite the eyebrows, or maybe because of them, he was decidedly handsome. Lu Han could tell why Junmyeon liked him, at least physically. Though he was wearing hiking gear like Lu Han and Junmyeon, he looked more like a model for outdoor clothing. 

He did not start the car and instead looked at Junmyeon with a small frown and a slight pout, holding up two fingers. A moment passed before Junmyeon sighed and gave his boyfriend a look. “Are we playing charades again?”

A nod, and then a pointed finger. At Lu Han. “Oh, haha, right. Lu Han, you haven't officially met my boyfriend right? His name is Kris, Kris Wu. He's Canadian but he’s lived in the area for a while. Kris, this is Lu Han, my roommate.”

Lu Han reached out a hand and awkwardly watched as Kris twisted his long torso to accept it. Kris's hand engulfed Lu Han’s and he suddenly gave Lu Han a blinding, gummy smile. “Pleasure,” he said, before letting go and returning to silence. Looking at Junmyeon again, he raised an eyebrow and tapped his cheek expectantly.

“You big _dork_. Fine, here.” Junmyeon gave Kris an exaggerated smack on the cheek and Kris finally began to acknowledge his boyfriend's presence, telling him about his morning as if the silence had never happened. Lu Han rolled his eyes when he realized _that_ was why Kris was being pouty.

When Kris took a break from his monologue to turn on the engine, Lu Han jumped in the conversation and asked, “So what do you do, Kris?”

Kris hummed as he backed out of El Dorado’s driveway, throwing a large hand around the back of Junmyeon’s headrest. “I'm a carpenter. I make drawers and tables and such.”

Lu Han responded, “Ah.” A lull in conversation followed, and Lu Han leaned back on the leather interior. This car was ridiculously nice. While Lu Han was in his musings, Kris said something that he didn't quite catch. Leaning forward again, he said, “Sorry, what was that?”

“Oh, I asked what you do. All I know is that you're Jun’s roommate and you're neater than he is. Though that's not hard, considering. Ow.” Junmyeon had smacked Kris for that statement. 

Laughing, Lu Han explained, “Jun’s messy but clean, at least. It’s endearing. The gist of my job is that they collect data, and I help if the data collection tools break or anything goes wrong.”

Kris nodded. “Cool.” He pulled into the employee lot, where they’d all agreed to meet for a quick inventory check. From El Dorado, it was a quick five minute drive to work, but a twenty minute walk up and down steep hills. “We’re here,” he said, but Junmyeon was already jumping out of the car. 

Amber and Sulli had decided to take the walk, wanting to check something on their computers. Having finished with their Internet business, they had waited for the others in the lot. Both of them were dressed up in their usual work clothes - which made sense. Field work was pretty similar to hiking, clothing wise. Amber stood and scrolled through her phone, lounging against her car while Sulli sat on her shoes and did the same. She jumped up at the sight of Junmyeon and ran to cutely pounce on him. “Mom! We were waiting so long!”

Huffing, Junmyeon caught her and hugged her back. “Haha, glad to see you’re still in one piece, daughter. That walk is no joke.” Lu Han exited the car, chuckling. 

Someone jumped on his back and he shouted, quickly counterbalancing and grabbing their legs. “The fuck?” he asked, adjusting the person’s weight.

“Hi, I missed you Xiao Lu!” the person on his back shouted into his hair before being abruptly dragged off. Lu Han laughed.

“Hi Baekhyun,” he greeted the culprit. A mischievous-looking Baekhyun was being restrained by an exasperated Kyungsoo. Lu Han almost gaped at Kyungsoo in field clothes, but caught himself before he did. His officemate probably wouldn’t appreciate that.

“Baek, I like to pretend that at least we’re civilized,” Kyungsoo chastised his husband. Baekhyun simply pecked Kyungsoo on the lips and flounced off to say hello to Amber. “That man, I swear….”

“I don’t mind, don’t worry,” Lu Han chuckled, looping an arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulder. 

A large pick-up truck that Lu Han recognized as Chanyeol’s suddenly roared into the parking lot and screeched to a stop. He got out and heaved a large sigh, dragging a hand through his ruffled hair. “Sorry I’m late, guys,” he said. “The crazy landlady’s been… ugh.” 

This was the first Lu Han had heard of any of this, so he turned to Kyungsoo and asked, quietly, “What’s up with Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo thinned his lips.

“His landlady’s been acting really passive aggressive lately, ever since he told her he probably won’t renew his lease. Chanyeol’s normally a nice guy but she gets worse and worse by the day… it’s like she’s pressuring him to leave earlier.”

Chanyeol came up to them and winced. “You won’t believe what she did this time, Soo. She bleached my tent because she said she saw a tick on it. I’d left it out on the outside porch to air out and, ugh. It’s completely unusable now.”

Kyungsoo gaped, but it was Baekhyun who burst out, angry. “What the fuck! That’s not okay, you spent good money on that. You should move out, like, ASAP. Can’t you move to El Dorado or something?” He turned to Junmyeon, demanding, “Well?”

Junmyeon shifted, nervous. “I guess I could ask Sooman, but Chanyeol, I thought you didn’t want to…?” 

The tall man groaned and sat on the concrete, resting his head on his knees. “I wanted all the temp techs and newbies to have a place first, that’s why I moved out. I’m actually earning enough money to live in town, they’re not. But I haven’t found another place to go and if I stay there any longer I might go crazy. If there’s space….” He looked at Junmyeon, eyes full of hope.

“Maybe, actually,” Lu Han piped up. Everyone looked at him, and he squirmed a little. “Well, I was talking to Victoria and she was thinking of moving in with her boyfriend in town. That’ll free up a bed, right?”

That made Chanyeol look up, daring to hope. “Really?”

Junmyeon butted in before it could go further. “Like I said, it’s up to Sooman. That raises your chances of getting a room in El Dorado, but no promises. Okay?”

Chanyeol nodded, looking worried but still more hopeful than before. “Okay. And, I hate to ask because we’re about to head out, but… anyone have room for me? I do want to go camping but I’m short a tent…”

Whatever possessed Lu Han before had him blurting out, “Junmyeon lent me a tent. I think it’s a two person tent, you could probably… with me?” He could feel Kyungsoo’s “the fuck are you doing” stare, but chose to ignore it. 

“Hey, that’s actually a good idea,” Junmyeon said, turning to Chanyeol. “I’d be fine with that. What do you think?”

Lu Han gulped, suddenly anxious - Chanyeol was being unusually silent. Finally, he recovered and stuttered, “Uh, o-okay if that’s fine with you.”

Shrugging, he said, “I’m borrowing the tent anyway, if Junmyeon’s okay with it then why not?”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” Kris said, oblivious to the unaddressed tension in the air. “Anyway, if that’s sorted out we should really head out. Any later and we might be hiking in the dark.”

Fuck. _I mean, it would’ve happened anyway but I seemed really eager didn’t I_ , moaned Lu Han in his mind. _Four two-person tents. I guess I could’ve asked Kyungsoo to sleep with me or something but augh_ —.

Someone put a hand on his shoulder. Kyungsoo. “You can’t really take your offer back. It should be fine though,” he said. “But if he confesses or makes a move, you have to tell Chanyeol a solid no. Or even preemptively say no. Got it? Or else you’re an asshole. Don’t be an asshole.”

Lu Han nodded, mutely. “I mean, we’re just friends and friends sleep next to each other, right?”

“...right. That’s the attitude. Get in the car, Lu Han, I’ll see you there.”

The first half-day of hiking went without much incident. They all piled into two cars - Kris’s and Kyungsoo’s - and drove to the beginning of their four-day loop. The group of eight arrived at their first camping location without much difficulty. Lu Han mostly stood to the side, useless, as the others easily set everything up. He _really_ felt like a useless city boy at this moment.

Chanyeol noticed, because of course he would, and dragged Lu Han with him to set up bear bags. “These bags,” Chanyeol explained, “are our sleeping bag containers hoisted up through a pulley system. They’re meant to be high enough so bears can’t reach them. If any bears are in the area, they’ll be drawn to the unreachable bags instead of to our camping area. Make sense?” 

It reminded Lu Han of his tower tour, but this time he felt more out of his depth. So he simply nodded. Sure, sure. But then Chanyeol actually had him _do_ one. His fingers felt especially clumsy with knots and ropes he was unfamiliar with, and the first bear bag looked precariously strung up. 

But looking at Chanyeol and his proud smile, it was like Lu Han had hung the stars in the sky. It made his stomach flutter, and he looked away, grumbling, “It’s not that great. I suck at this.”

“First time’s always the hardest. Here, let me make a few adjustments.” It ended up looking sturdy and Lu Han reluctantly returned Chanyeol’s high five.

 _Damn it, he’s so nice_.

Dinner too was surprisingly good, as Kyungsoo produced camp stoves and cooked a delicious meal for all eight, with some booze to boot. Lu Han didn’t have to resort to his granola bars after all. They all chatted, content in the outdoors after a good day’s hike. Chanyeol brought out his guitar and accompanied Sulli’s sweet voice. Lu Han was fine with listening, letting the music flow over him and trying to identify all the songs before Baekhyun could.

Soon enough, exhaustion set in, made clear by Sulli yawning in the middle of a melody for the fifteenth time and Junmyeon drooping on Kris’s shoulder. It was time to turn in. 

Lu Han mumbled some lame excuse about how tired he was, and quickly burrowed into his sleeping bag. He faked sleep, avoiding conversation with Chanyeol. 

His coworker was difficult to ignore. He found it endearing how Chanyeol tried to tiptoe and instead crashed into everything, swearing softly at his guitar’s twangs of distress. 

Once Chanyeol settled in and fell asleep, Lu Han realized he still couldn’t relax. The sleeping bag was too stifling for a mild mid-September, but it was too cold to sleep completely without it. Rolling around, he ended up finding a comfortable position with one leg out and the other in. This had him facing Chanyeol. Chanyeol, who lightly snored and flopped around as he slept, enthusiastic even in his dreams. 

Chanyeol, who had his own problems just like anyone else, but managed to be sunshine and enthusiasm at work, a happy virus. Though Lu Han was still settling in, he at least had El Dorado and kind Junmyeon as his roommate. He couldn’t imagine dealing with such a terrible landlady. Sehun and Yixing barely even mentioned their landlord, though they did sometimes complain that he would cash in their checks late. That paled in comparison to having their items bleached without permission.

Chanyeol. Even with a line of drool and eyes slightly open, he managed to look handsome. Somehow. 

It really wasn't fair. Lu Han might be in trouble.

_____________________

He dreamt of Minseok chasing him as they played soccer. Lu Han deftly faked left and kicked the ball towards the right. Minseok wasn’t fooled - he was never fooled by Lu Han’s fakes - and managed to steal the ball. A strong kick, and Minseok whooped as he scored a goal. Grinning, Lu Han brought him in for a hug because what a _great_ maneuver—

And suddenly Minseok pushed him back. Lu Han fell backwards, hard on his tailbone, shocked and hurt as he watched Minseok glare daggers and walk away. He tried to get up and follow, but stumbled and collapsed again as unknown people - probably Sehun and Yixing, they’d never really liked Minseok anyway - dragged him to the ground. He’s being crushed, he’ll never get to Minseok in time before he left forever, he could barely even breathe—

Lu Han woke up, gasping, to find that Chanyeol had managed to leap out of his sleeping bag and was sleeping half on top of him. _Explains the holding down dreams_ , he thought, and gently extricated himself from Chanyeol’s grasp. He needed a breath of air, something, to recover from that nightmare.

Unzipping the tent flap open while kneeling on Chanyeol’s sleeping pad, he flopped outside. The brisk morning air brushed his cheeks, leaving them rosy, and Lu Han inhaled deeply. _This_ , he thought, and sighed, letting the nightmare flow off of him with the breeze. _This kind of morning is what I could get used to out here in the country_. Air that tasted fresher than the city’s, and a dawn quieter than any he’d ever experienced. 

Taking another deep breath, he shook the sleep off his mind and patted the ground around his tent flap for his discarded shoes. He pushed on his camp shoes, grabbed and donned a hat to cover his sweat-matted hair, and tottered unsteadily over to the overlook. 

He marveled at the view before realizing he wasn’t alone. Out of instinct, he ducked out of sight. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo were chatting quietly a ways away, and Lu Han’s heart caught in his throat. The two bickered all the time over the dumbest arguments, but their body language spoke of a love that Lu Han had never managed to keep. They were holding hands, and something Baekhyun murmured made Kyungsoo smile, radiant as the rising sun.

That same smile drew Baekhyun in, slowly, for a soft kiss. Lu Han clenched his jaw, choking back feelings of jealousy and resentment, and strode to his tent. He knew it was overreacting for just a small kiss, but he could tell from that one kiss they had everything he didn’t. Quickly, he dove into the tent and laid down on Chanyeol’s vacant sleeping pad. Chanyeol was still snoozing on Lu Han’s, now facing the other wall of the tent.

He was so helplessly jealous of that love. But love would return to his life soon. He would show him how faithful he was and that their love was equal to Baekhyun and Kyungsoo’s. He’d promised, hadn’t he? 

His chest ached and Lu Han rolled into a ball, trying to quietly take deep breaths to contain himself. A loud shuffle of sleeping bag interrupted his downward spiral. “Mrgh. Awake already?” a low voice asked, sleepily.

He took a calming breath before responding. He didn’t really want to explain his sudden, sharp sadness, instead pushing it back deep within him. “Yep, it’s pretty nice outside,” he managed to say with a light tone. “Should we get up?” 

“If you want coffee.” Chanyeol’s tone was teasing, and warmed Lu Han more than it should. He was able to uncurl and turned to face Chanyeol. Here was another rising sun, he felt rather than thought, the smile on Chanyeol’s face reminding him of the first bright rays of the day.

“I love coffee,” Lu Han replied slowly, and managed a weak smile of his own. The other’s smile brightened even more.

“I’d noticed your always full mug in your office. You make it a challenge to learn things about you, but I’ll get there,” rumbled Chanyeol before he hoisted himself up into a sitting position. “Rising and shining in progress!” he shouted and ran out of the tent.

Lu Han shook his head, genuinely smiling now. _Chanyeol’s like this to everyone_ , he reminded himself sternly, _so it doesn’t mean anything_. He’s not sure anymore who he’s trying to convince. But it’s too much to think about this early in the morning, he decided, and got up to follow Chanyeol.

_____________________

The next day’s hike was the hardest physical activity Lu Han had ever done in his life. This included Sehun daring him he couldn’t score a hundred goals on Minseok and they’d ended up playing soccer for five hours straight. It wasn’t until the sun set that a stubborn but furiously gasping Lu Han scored the hundredth goal past an equally sweaty and disgusting Minseok. Minseok smiled his gummy smile - he’d wanted Lu Han to prove Sehun wrong too - and gave him piggyback ride all the way to the pizza place. He’d wanted to pass out on Minseok’s back, content to kiss the back of that neck and laugh at Minseok’s groans of disgust at his cheesiness.

He missed Minseok. He wanted to pass out now, and there was no happy Minseok to piggyback him here. Lu Han splashed cold water on his face to get rid of thoughts of Kim Minseok. He needed to focus, to keep up with the others. His monster coworkers all seemed totally unaffected with the sole exception of Kyungsoo. The two commiserated during the fifteenth water break they had called, huffing and puffing. 

When they reached the second night’s destination, Lu Han nearly collapsed with relief. He (gently) threw down his fifty pound backpack and slumped down on the picnic bench. Kyungsoo joined him and quietly leaned his sweaty face on Lu Han’s shoulder. 

“We made it!” Kyungsoo moaned. “I'm way too old for this.”

He grunted in agreement. “Me too. 22 is a tender age.”

“Please,” Baekhyun scoffed as he set down his pack and stretched, “you guys just spend too much time in the office. I’m 29 and totally fine.” He demonstrated by doing a cartwheel.

“Your chipper attitude is not appreciated, you,” Kyungsoo groaned. “And stop that, there’s rocks here and it’s dangerous. Go set up camp with your extra energy.” By then, everyone else had put their packs down and began to unpack and set up camp for the second night.

Lu Han had to be talked through setting up the bear bag again, feeling sheepish for forgetting all the knots and fumbling with the setup. Chanyeol still smiled at him and patiently helped him through it. He ignored the bubbling feeling of happiness when Chanyeol reached around him with his long arms to demonstrate the knots in first person perspective. He might have blushed a little when Chanyeol clapped with pride at his successful bear bagging.

This time, Lu Han didn't fake sleep when Chanyeol entered the tent, instead tilting his face to look at Chanyeol. Chanyeol looked surprised, but greeted him happily. “I thought you’d fallen asleep already! Sorry for being so loud.”

“Haha, no problem. Are the other days all going to be so hard?” Lu Han asked weakly. Chanyeol chuckled, a low sound that reverberated through Lu Han’s body. 

“I don’t think so. They get easier. Want a massage?” Chanyeol offered out of nowhere, wiggling his fingers. “I've been told my hands are pretty heavenly.” Lu Han warily eyed Chanyeol's large hands, wanting to maintain their distance. However, his shoulders _were_ pretty sore and temptation got the better of him.

“Fine. Don’t get too excited.”

“I won’t.” Chanyeol gently laid his hands on Lu Han’s shoulders and began kneading. Oh. Oh dear. His hands _were_ heavenly. Lu Han moaned with gratitude, then cupped his mouth, embarrassed. “Don't worry, I don’t judge,” Chanyeol joked, still expertly working out the kinks in Lu Han’s deltoids. 

Tired and a little muddled from the massage, Lu Han finally let out the thoughts that had been bouncing around. “Do you like me?” he mumbled. 

“Hmm? I mean, I guess I like everyone!” Chanyeol replied nonchalantly. Lu Han almost rolled his eyes. A person can’t be _that_ oblivious, surely? “There, all better right?” He nodded, stretching like a cat and feeling a lot looser than before.

Having finished his ministrations, Chanyeol began setting up his sleeping bag. Lu Han tried again. “No, I mean… do you have feelings for me?” Chanyeol hummed in response. Having finished with his sleeping set up, he turned to face Lu Han while sitting cross-legged on his sleeping pad.

“Honestly? I’m not sure. At first, I wanted to treat you extra nicely because... you seem so sad, even when you're smiling.” Lu Han’s eyes narrowed and he opened his mouth, about to refute the statement but Chanyeol held up a hand. “It’s just a feeling I had, because I know how it feels, to get to NEMI and feel lost. I wanted you to know you’re welcome here.” 

Lu Han blinked at Chanyeol. “Huh?” He thought that maybe he knew what Chanyeol was talking about, but wanted him to be more explicit.

Chanyeol swallowed, and smiled gently before looking away. “Remember what I told you earlier? I… I kind of just followed Baek and Soo here because they felt familiar to me.” 

While talking, Chanyeol scooted down his sleeping paid to lie down, stretching his legs out and making himself comfortable. He continued, “But... I was really still looking for a place to belong, a home. I was still really lost when I got here, and still sad that my parents don’t accept me. But this place… NEMI, El Dorado, and all the people… this place is special. People find a home here, however temporary they may be. However permanent.”

“So you think I’m a lost soul?” Lu Han asked, rolling to face his body towards Chanyeol. The other laughed, also rolling towards Lu Han. 

“Something like that. Besides, my mom taught me well,” Chanyeol added with a wink. Lu Han shoved at him, smiling despite himself. 

Chanyeol gaped at him, expression akin to... awe? 

“What? Do you like being shoved or something?” Lu Han asked defensively. 

The other bit his lip. “No, I was just taken aback by your smile. It's gorgeous.” Lu Han colored at the unexpected praise. 

“Good night, Chanyeol,” he said, shifting away.

“Call me hyung?” Lu Han turned to stare, a little unbelievingly, at the older boy, who looked a bit sheepish. “You, um. You also remind me of… my old home cuz you can speak Korean. I know I said all that stuff about finding a home here but still, uh,” Chanyeol explained, his large ears turning red. He could see it even in the flickering light of his headlamp. “You don't have to if you don't want—”

“Good night, hyung,” Lu Han blurted in Korean before he could think about it again, and turned over to signal the end of the conversation. 

He hated himself a little bit for the traitorous, giddy feeling of happiness at Chanyeol's small yelp of joy. He also realized that Chanyeol had managed to dodge his questions. Interesting.

That night, he had no dreams.

_____________________

The third day was just as arduous, but both Lu Han and Kyungsoo fared better this time.

At dinner that day, Baekhyun pulled out two large bottles of soju. “Who's up for drinks?” he asked cheerfully as the others looked at him with disbelief. 

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes, “So this is why your bag has been so heavy? You brought this on yourself, idiot.” Baekhyun made the V sign at him, still holding both bottles, and expertly uncapped them. The eight shared the two bottles, passing them around and each taking a swig. 

Lu Han stopped drinking earlier than the others but still ended up feeling tipsy. He swayed into Junmyeon, who giggled. “Is our Luhannie drunk?” he asked in Korean. 

“Yep,” chortled Lu Han in response. “I love you guys thiiiis much,” he continued, flinging his arms wide, and rolling off of Junmyeon. 

He was caught by a pair of strong arms. Chanyeol. “And you. Let's be friends. I don't even know why we're not friends. You're too sexy to not be a friend,” Lu Han slurred. 

It was too dark to read Chanyeol's expression, but he declared it bedtime and helped Lu Han into his sleeping bag. When Lu Han was cocooned, he sat up and laid his head on his knees. 

When Chanyeol made to leave the tent, Lu Han whined, “Don't leave me alone, hyung.”

Pausing, Chanyeol replied, “O-kay. I'm just going to brush my teeth.” 

Lu Han mumbled something incoherent, and then said more clearly, “Everyone leaves me. I'm not worth loving. I've been told it enough times that it must be true,” half in Korean and half in English. He glanced up at Chanyeol and shut his eyes to avoid the confusion in Chanyeol's eyes. 

“No, you mustn't think that,” Chanyeol whispered, and closed the distance between them. He held Lu Han tightly as he suddenly leaked tears into Chanyeol's too large sleep sweatshirt. “Everyone's worth loving.”

“Then why do I have to keep proving my love? He must know he's the only one for me,” Lu Han’s voice broke. 

“He? Proof?” was all Lu Han heard before he slipped into sleep, evidently tuckered out from the hike.

_____________________

He dreamed that his friends and coworkers all found out what had happened. They’d seen through his facade to his lack of self control and terrible inner self, and started to look at him with disgust. Lu Han had thought it would be Yixing's disappointment that would hurt the most, because Yixing is a saint and his best friend.

No. 

Chanyeol's disgust hurt the most.

_____________________

Lu Han woke up in the middle of the night feeling empty as he usually did after one of his nightmares, but one thing was very different. Chanyeol's arms had wound their way around Lu Han’s waist, large hands clasped on Lu Han’s stomach. He was being held in a soft embrace, as if he was something precious, and that feeling of being treasured battled with his sadness and emptiness. Through his back, Lu Han could feel Chanyeol's deep breaths. Already slipping back into his sleep, he made a quick _fuck it_ decision and began to match those deep breaths.

 _The next trip_ , he sleepily thought, _I’ll draw the line_.

Soon, he fell asleep again, this time to a soft dream of cuddling with Chanyeol in the clouds.

_____________________


	7. Camping Trip Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gah I'm sorry this took so long. But this chapter's a whopper, so almost like a double update? Enjoy!  
>  **Warning** (and potentially spoiler): it's got some sex scenes in it. this'll be the only explicit chapter, probably. also trigger warning for homophobia and mentally abusive relationship.

A muffled yell, and all of a sudden Lu Han’s tumbling out of Chanyeol’s arms. He quickly braced himself for impact, smacking one of their sleeping pads as he landed. Groaning, Lu Han rolled to blearily glare at the culprit. Chanyeol’s sitting up, body half out of his own sleeping bag. He looked rumpled and wild-eyed and way too energetic for the morning.

“I’m sorry! I, I just…” Chanyeol started and then buried his face in his sleeping bag, bending his own body in two. He let out a long groan while Lu Han softened his glare into a look of sleepy frustration.

“I was sleeping so well,” he mumbled, rubbing at his eyes and yawning. “What on earth has gotten into you?”

Chanyeol had finally quieted, head still pillowed in his bag. He tilted his head. “I’m sorry for grabbing you in my sleep!! I just kinda freaked out because I wasn’t sure if you were okay with it,” he said in a jumble. Lu Han could see his ears were pink with embarrassment, and couldn’t help the fond chuckle that escaped him.

“Yeah, I noticed. You did it the first night, too.” At this, Chanyeol put his hands over his face. Lu Han couldn’t help but think, _Ah, so cute_. The other was so much larger and older than he was, but could act much cuter and younger than Lu Han. The contrast in expectation was incredibly adorable.

“I thought I’d grown out of the habit,” Chanyeol muttered, “You’d think I was five or something. How embarrassing.”

“That’s okay, I’m actually used to cuddly friends.” Quite true. Both Jongin and Sehun could be incredibly cuddly if they were in the right mood. Yixing not as much, but that was because he was particularly sensitive in the neck and would squirm from ticklishness. Lu Han liked cuddling, but not enough to get kicked.

Minseok liked cuddling too, after Lu Han had gotten him acclimated to it. They particularly liked to cuddle after sex. Lu Han felt himself blushing just thinking about it, choosing to shove his mind away from that and back to the present.

“Friends, hm, yeah,” Chanyeol’s voice cut through his musings. “I’m going to go for a walk, dongsaeng.” Lu Han blinked up at Chanyeol, who was shoving on clothes to combat the chill morning air. _Dongsaeng_?

 _Oh, probably just to accompany the_ hyung _thing_. “Sure thing, hyung. Don’t get eaten by a bear. I’m going back to sleep.” He enjoyed the way Chanyeol’s ears flushed again at the honorific.

Yawning, Lu Han stretched his arms over his head. His sleeping bag had rolled down and his rumpled, baby blue sleep shirt rode up over his stomach. Lu Han missed the flicker of Chanyeol’s eyes to his stomach, only chuckling in amusement at the speed with which Chanyeol dove out of the tent. He heard light cursing outside as Chanyeol stepped on rocks with bare feet, shuffling around to find his camp shoes. He rolled back and closed his eyes. 

The next thing he knew, he had someone different breathing on his neck. Lu Han shrieked and continued to shriek as the stranger began tickling him. A ringing laugh told him it was Amber. “Rise and shine, Xiao Lu!” she yelled, finally letting up on her torture. After fending her off, he got dressed and clambered outside.

Everyone was gathered near the picnic table, a few opting to sit in the grass instead of the picnic bench. Lu Han froze, gaze suddenly focused on Chanyeol. Sulli was perched on his lap. She threw her head back, giggling at something that was said, and adjusted the blankets around the two of them.

Something ugly rumbled inside of Lu Han, at how Sulli fit perfectly in the crook of Chanyeol’s neck. At how he knew he fit there better and it should be him, not her.

Abruptly, he ducked back into his tent, horrified at his own thoughts. For goodness’s sake, Chanyeol was his own person and Lu Han… Lu Han had no business thinking thoughts like that when he’s got….

 _Fuck_. With effort, he composed himself enough to join breakfast, forcing a smile at Chanyeol and Sulli. He didn’t see Chanyeol narrowing his eyes in confusion at Lu Han, looking thoughtfully between him and Sulli.

Later that day, Lu Han realized he was being silly by sulking. Now that he knew Chanyeol and Sulli were back together, this was his chance to befriend Chanyeol. There was no chance Chanyeol could take it as anything but platonic. Still, he couldn’t help faking his enthusiasm for the day ahead, drawing questioning glances from Kyungsoo. Nothing escaped his officemate.

Lu Han was glad he could keep up with the others today, though he still puffed a little on the trail and called for water breaks more often than the others. They hiked past a few breathtaking views of a large waterfall, only stopping for lunch when they reached the bottom of it. Lu Han splashed his face with the water, marveling at the chill. He heard a yelp as Chanyeol pushed Baekhyun into the water and rolled his eyes.

Too soon, they finished up their four-day trip back at the parking lot. Before he could put his stuff in Kris’s car, Kyungsoo pulled Lu Han aside. “Stay over again? I bought too many groceries for just me and Baek.” His tone was light but brooked no room for argument. Lu Han opened his mouth and shut it, nodding instead. Kyungsoo’s eyes softened. “I think we should talk.”

“Okay,” Lu Han replied. He put his stuff down by Kyungsoo’s car. Touching Junmyeon’s shoulder to get his attention, he said, “Hey, I’m going to ride with Kyungsoo back to his place. Chanyeol should have my spot.”

Junmyeon beamed at him. “I told you he doesn’t hate you. Very much the opposite, it seems.” Lu Han realized he was referencing the conversation they’d had almost two months ago. God, had it already been two months?

Lu Han returned his smile. “Yeah,” he said, suddenly feeling grateful for his coworkers. His… friends? “Yeah.”

He said bye to the others, including Chanyeol who would take Lu Han’s spot in Kris’s car. The hug felt awkward to Lu Han, and he wasn’t sure if he was imagining it or not. “See you at work,” Lu Han chirped, too bright, and retreated to Kyungsoo’s car.

Once inside, he let out a sigh and looked back at Chanyeol. The other looked conflicted and frustrated, but shook it off.

“Aish, what’s with you two,” Baekhyun sighed, getting in the backseat with Lu Han. “It’s like a weird drama.”

“Why are you in the backseat?” Lu Han asked, trying to change the subject. Baekhyun threw a knowing look at Lu Han, but decided to indulge him.

“Sometimes I like to pretend Soo’s my hot chauffeur,” he said in an exaggerated whisper. “And I’m a hot CEO that f—”

“No, you’re more like a child,” interrupted Kyungsoo, tone dry. “He’s sitting there because I might strangle him on the drive back if he chatters in my ear all ride long.” The rest of the ride continued in playful banter, Lu Han playing along as Baekhyun drew him into the midst of their crossfire.

After arriving, Lu Han helped Baekhyun make a simple dinner of rice and beans while Kyungsoo let the dog out to play in the yard. Kyungsoo came back in time to set out plates. They all sat for dinner and ate in silence – the good kind of silence, where everyone was busy enjoying eating. Chen perched in Lu Han’s lap, the black cat having meowed at him until Lu Han gave up and gave him the attention he wanted.

Surprising even himself, it was Lu Han who broke the silence. “I’m surprised you’re being so nice to me, Baekhyun,” he said, absent-mindedly patting Chen. “No offence, but you’re Chanyeol’s friend.”

Baekhyun chewed thoughtfully. After swallowing, he said, “Yeah I wanted to be mad at you, but Kyungsoo likes you. And that you’re not too far removed from the dumb teenagers I teach, so I should be patient with you like I am with them.”

“...patience wasn’t something I ever had, but Minseok did. He originally wanted to teach high school like you.”

 _It’s time_. Lu Han set his spoon down, and propped his elbows on the table. _It’s time to tell them and get this off my chest_ , he thought, drawing in a shuddering breath. It was hard to think about it, and he was really scared to tell them. Looking at Baekhyun and Kyungsoo, he felt safe but still wanted to cry, just thinking of his relationship. Of Minseok. “But his parents wanted him to go into finance, so he went into finance.”

“More money in finance,” Baekhyun said with a smile. “I get that.”

“More money, and more prestige. Plus, his parents have connections in the business world. He’s not exactly a chaebol but he’s friends with a lot of them.” Chaebol, the Korean drama word for heir. “Minseok’s world is filled with expectations that he struggles to fill. That’s why our relationship was so bumpy, I guess. He kept telling me, ‘Lu, boys aren’t my type.’”

He sighed, shifting back in the chair and rubbing his face. When Chen jumped off his lap, he began to tell the story.

_____________________

They’d met at the Student Fair, junior year.

Lu Han was manning the club soccer booth with Yixing and Sehun. Lu Han’s job was to draw people in with conversation and direct them to talk to either of his friends. Yixing would be hopeless at engaging people without Lu Han – as usual, he was busy staring off into space. On the other hand, Sehun’s resting bitch face scared freshmen off.

The club soccer seniors had shucked the task onto the three juniors, claiming it was their duty. Lu Han didn’t mind, at first. He liked talking to people. In the third hour of explaining the difference between varsity, junior varsity, and club, he started to feel weary.

“Hi,” a voice came when Lu Han was entering something into the computer. _Ugh, another one_ , he thought and looked up to address the speaker.

His jaw dropped. An angelically handsome brunette smiled politely at him, hand outstretched for a handshake. Lu Han, taking his hand, blurted out, “Hey, can we be friends?”

Large eyes blinked at him, and then the smile broadened into a gummy one. “Uh, sure. But, this is… the club soccer booth, right?”

Sehun smacked Lu Han with the soccer flyer before handing it to the guy. Lu Han snapped back to reality and let the guy’s hand go. “Don’t be weird, hyung, what the fuck,” Sehun said. Offering a small smile to the bemused student, he said, “Ignore him, he tends to just say things. Are you a freshman? I’m Sehun, this idiot is Lu Han.”

Taking the flyer, the student laughed. “Okay, I am at the right booth then,” he said, still chuckling. “I’m actually a junior. My name’s Minseok. Nice to meet you Sehun, Lu Han.”

“O-oh,” Sehun stammered out, “sorry, you just look….”

“Young? I get that a lot, don’t worry.” He tucked the flyer into his backpack. Turning to Lu Han, Minseok said, still smiling but his eyes were a little uncertain, “And… did you want my number or something? So we can be friends… only if you want to!” he blurted out the last part, shyly offering his phone. 

Charmed by the cuteness, Lu Han immediately nodded, taking the phone and typing his number. He gave it to Minseok before realizing that he’d accidentally put in the name his ex-boyfriend had called him. “See you around then, Lu...hannie.”

He managed a goodbye wave to Minseok before shrinking into his seat, moaning quietly into the crook of his arms. As soon as Sehun felt Minseok was out of earshot, he fixed a stare at Lu Han. “Hyung.”

Lu Han was already beating himself up mentally, thinking _What the fuck why did I do that what the fuck_. “Yes, fuck, I know that’s what _he_ called me.” It was still close enough to his breakup with Insung that Lu Han could still cringe at how clearly he could hear his ex crooning his name. “Sehun, I have a problem.”

A buzz came from his phone. He opened it to a text message.

msk: This is Minseok Kim. It was nice to meet you, Luhannie.

Yixing peered over his shoulder at the text message. “Minseok… Kim? As in that Minseok?” Lu Han looked up in time to see Yixing and Sehun share a Meaningful Look.

“What about him?” Lu Han mumbled. He wanted to melt in the floor and die of embarrassment. What had come over him?

Sehun turned to Lu Han, giving him a disbelieving look. “Minseok Kim was winner of the Sophomore Honors award.” The Sophomore Honors award was given to the rising junior with the most accomplishments and the highest grades during their first half of college. “And is a notorious heartbreaker. A notoriously _straight_ heartbreaker, to boot.”

“He just asked you for your number like that?” Yixing asked, frowning, still stuck on the previous topic. 

“Well, whatever the case is, he’s got two strikes against him already, hyung. Strike one, straight. Strike two, heartbreaker. You just got dumped by one of those self-proclaimed straight heartbreaker bastards. So stop it now,” Sehun advised Lu Han.

“Stop what?” Lu Han said out loud, mind still on Minseok’s cuteness. “He just wants to be friends. What’s the harm in that?”

Yixing sighed. “He’s not listening.”

Contrary to Yixing’s belief, Lu Han was listening. He told himself to be careful, to remain just friends, and to keep to that. When Minseok showed up for the first club soccer practice, before classes started, Lu Han was friendly to him like he was just another member. It was just so easy for them to be friends, Lu Han finding that Minseok’s wicked sense of humor perfectly matched his, as halfway into their conversation they switched into pranks they’d pulled on their friends.

The next day, Lu Han found that they happened be in a class together. Blinking at Minseok in the doorway of the class, he said, “I know I’m in introductory ecology as a junior because I’ve been putting it off. Why are you taking it as a junior?” He coughed, realizing as soon as the words came out of his mouth that they were a little accusatory. “Sorry, no offence or anything.”

“None taken,” Minseok smiled, following Lu Han to a seat. “It’s to get rid of my lab requirement. I’ve heard how bad this class is but it was the only one that fit.” They settled next to each other, Lu Han leaning back in his chair while Minseok pulled out a notebook and pen. He found it incredibly endearing how Minseok furiously scribbled notes, even though the first day was just class logistics. He even wondered if he was being too laid-back.

At the end of the class they compared schedules and found they were actually enrolled for another class together: computer science algorithms. “What even is your major?” Lu Han frowned, trying to piece together the wildly different topics on Minseok’s schedule.

Minseok chuckled. “It’s math. I’m just knocking out all my requirements this year so I can do whatever I want next year. You?”

He raised an eyebrow at him. “Ecology,” he said, challenging Minseok to ask why he was in a computer science class.

The other surprised him by nodding and saying, “Makes sense. All that big data in ecology requires some algorithms knowledge. Not saying you’ll need it, but if you want any help I’m pretty good at coding.” 

Blinking, Lu Han realized he already liked him more and more. _Dangerous territory_ , he chided himself. _Just friends_.

They developed a good camaraderie, and soon enough were found spending time together, heads bowed over an algorithms or intro ecology book. Lu Han was surprised that an honors student couldn’t wrap his head around biology ideas, but realized it was more the rote memorization that frustrated Minseok.

He took the opportunity to wheedle his way into Minseok’s personal space, laying a chin on a shoulder here and a hand on the knee there as he explained schoolwork. At first, Minseok stiffened at the touch. Lu Han immediately withdrew, feeling bad. “Sorry, I know I can get pretty touchy,” he backpedaled. “My friends have indulged me so far….”

“Oh,” Minseok breathed. “It’s a friend thing? Then… I can deal.” Lu Han blinked. What was the significance of friend thing? 

Unwittingly, Lu Han began to ditch his friends more and more often to hang out with Minseok. Smart, funny, and charming – Minseok was all three and he captivated Lu Han. Plus, on their study dates Minseok would often do little gestures, like bring Lu Han Pepero because Lu Han had once remarked he’d liked them more than Pocky. Or draw cute smiley faces on Lu Han’s notes when he felt like slacking off, to motivate him to study again.

Yixing called it an obsession at one of the few lunches for which he, Sehun, and Jongin were able to capture Lu Han. Lu Han laughed it off. “He’s straight. It’ll be fine.”

They all scowled at the same time and Lu Han wanted to roll his eyes at them. It was like having three more moms, but all of them were younger than him. Yixing said, “That’s what you said about Insung and Ahyeon. Both of them. Are you even over them yet?” 

He flinched. “Maybe I am,” he snapped. “It’s none of your business, anyway, mom.” Yixing bristled at the comment, but Sehun put a hand on Yixing’s shoulder.

It was Jongin who piped up next. “It’s not strictly our business, but… I’m your roommate. I want to see you more than once in a blue moon. Why do I see this idiot more often?” he said, jabbing a finger at Sehun. 

Folding his arms, he wanted to signal this conversation was over. “It’s like you two are in the same major or something. Chill. We’re just friends.”

He hated the flat, disbelieving look Jongin shot him. Why didn’t his friends believe him? He wouldn’t lie to them… only if necessary.

The first hookup happened two months into the year, at the first club soccer rager. Lu Han found that he wasn’t the only lightweight of the club - Minseok became more touchy than usual after only three drinks. Before he knew what was happening, Minseok had taken Lu Han’s hand and led him a few doors down, to his own single.

Lu Han followed willingly, reasoning that when _he_ was drunk he just wanted to cuddle. Maybe Minseok was the same way. 

And then Minseok kissed him. Lu Han gasped with surprise, and Minseok took that as his cue to push his tongue into the heat of Lu Han’s mouth, effectively scrambling his thoughts. Lu Han had a brief moment of clarity as Minseok leaned back to take off his own shirt - _Do I want this?_

Minseok stumbled back forward, and Lu Han caught him. The other smiled sweetly up at Lu Han, almond brown eyes sparkling. A question came into those eyes as Minseok tugged at Lu Han’s shirt, and Lu Han answered both questions with _Yes, I do_ , as he helped Minseok take it off.

He let himself be pushed onto the mattress and pulled Minseok closer, rejoicing at the feel of their chests pushing together. It felt so right, so good to have Minseok here. Minseok licked deep into his mouth again and palmed him through his shorts. 

Moaning, Lu Han blindly reached for Minseok’s bulge, wanting to make him feel good too. He found it and _fuck he’s big_. A surge of victory streaked through him when Minseok made a surprised, low noise of pleasure. Soon Minseok was jerking against Lu Han’s hand and going rigid, coming in his pants. His grip on Lu Han tightened, almost painfully but not quite. He snapped up two, three times before Lu Han came too.

Lu Han woke up the next morning, still in Minseok’s bed. He shuddered at the dried cum in his underwear, and got up to tidy himself up the best he could in the bathroom. When he came back, Minseok was up and facing the other way. “This… this was a mistake,” Minseok said, voice cracking slightly. Lu Han’s heart sank. _What?_ “Please leave.”

“What? Min—”

“ _Please_. The door is that way.” Still in shock, Lu Han grabbed his belt, moving as if in slow-motion. But despite how slow he moved, Minseok never turned around, only whispering, “Boys aren’t my type,” as Lu Han backed out of the room.

His heart broke for the first time.

Minseok skipped intro ecology the next day, leaving Lu Han feeling miserable. _Was it something I’d done, did I misinterpret anything?_ he thought, trying to figure out where it could’ve been his fault. His exes had told him he was too pretty, he tricked guys into liking him. They’d told him he wasn’t good enough to make them stay though.

He ended up telling Sehun what had ended up happening, despite wanting to die of embarrassment. He had to, to stop the downward spiral of his thoughts. Otherwise, he’d feel worse about himself. _I’m all looks and nothing else. Not good enough to keep anyone by me_.

Sehun’s eyes darkened with anger. “That’s not okay, hyung.” Lu Han pulled at his arm before he could go do something drastic, like beat up Minseok.

“I’m sure he’s just confused,” he said, weakly. “This has happened before, don’t worry about me.” _I’m not worth getting angry over_.

Groaning, Sehun snarled, “Just because those idiots you called boyfriends did this to you doesn’t mean it’s okay!” He pulled Lu Han in for a fierce hug. “Why can’t you value yourself the way your friends do?”

Lu Han closed his eyes, returning Sehun’s embrace. “When you’re… like me, you take what you can get.”

Sehun’s voice was sad when he mumbled, “If you say so,” into Lu Han’s hair.

They were all straight. They wouldn’t get it.

Minseok sat in a different spot for algorithms. It was a few days, weeks, before the seat next to Lu Han’s in the library scraped against the wooden floor. They both winced at the sound, and Lu Han looked up at the culprit. A piece of Tupperware was shoved into his face.

“Tteokbokki,” Minseok whispered, biting his lip. “I remembered you said you liked it from your study abroad in Korea.” Lu Han searched Minseok’s eyes, and saw that this was the closest he would get to an apology. 

Finally, he wordlessly accepted it as a token of Minseok’s apology, taking it and putting it into his bag because he had really missed Minseok’s company (and his snacks). Minseok’s shoulders slumped in relief. “Thank goodness. I don’t know what I would do in ecology without you,” he murmured. “The professor’s so goddamn boring I could cry.”

Lu Han managed a chuckle, and they fell back into friendship together, albeit an uneasy one.

The second hookup, another month after their patching up, was purposeful. Minseok cornered Lu Han in the side staircase of Lu Han’s dorm. “Hi, Minseok…?” Lu Han said, trailing off at the look in Minseok’s eyes. He spotted the box in Minseok’s hands and frowned. “Another snack?” he asked lightly.

Minseok stepped closer and pulled Lu Han to him, so close that their lips were almost touching. Lu Han tried to pull out of the grasp, but Minseok’s grip was strong. “Can I kiss you? I can’t get you off my mind, Lu Han.” 

Lu Han managed to pull back, and tried to laugh it off. “Are you drunk again?” he asked, forcing a smile. 

The other shook his head and opened the box. Inside was a small earring with a deer charm on it. “I know it’s strange to get a guy jewelry, but I saw this and thought of you. Will you... go out with me? We didn’t get off to a very good start, but I want you as more than a friend.”

In the back of his mind, a voice whispered that gifts would only go so far, but he pushed it out. He… he wanted this to be true, he wanted them to be together. “If you’re sure, Minseok,” he whispered, and put the earring on. It felt strangely like being branded as Minseok’s, as being owned. He thought he liked it, kinda.

“With the way I feel and how I know you feel, this can’t be a mistake, Luhannie.” Lu Han shuddered at the nickname, and let himself to be swept away again. This time, Minseok had come prepared, with lube and condom. Lu Han spared only a thought for his roommate Jongin, before realizing Jongin was probably spending the night at his girlfriend’s.

He led Minseok into his room without compunction. Minseok murmured dirty nothings as he stripped Lu Han, and then himself. Lu Han reached for the lube to prepare himself, being no stranger to it but assuming Minseok an amateur. He was wrong as Minseok took it back and pushed into him with surprisingly deft fingers.

“Don’t look so surprised. I’ve fucked men before.” Lu Han thought it unfair for someone to talk so matter-of-factly while fingering another, moaning when Minseok’s fingers stroked over a sensitive spot.

“I thought… you said…,” Lu Han said with the fragments of his mind that could still focus while he was falling apart.

“I was pretty much sober that first night, you know,” Minseok grunted, sliding his fingers out and putting on the condom. “But I might’ve been drunk on you.” He exhaled as he lined up and pushed in, Lu Han also gasping at the entry. The other leaned in to kiss Lu Han, getting him to relax enough for him to begin rolling his hips.

The sex was rough, but Lu Han was fine with that if it meant Minseok was talking to him again, if it meant maybe Minseok did return his feelings after all.

But a part of him still wanted to know. “Why?” Lu Han asked afterward, as they lay, spent, in each other’s arms. “Why did you ignore me for a month, why did you say… what you did, when you’ve been with other guys?” He shifted, wincing slightly. It was going to be a sore day tomorrow.

“Because boys aren’t supposed to be my type, that’s been drilled into me since I was a kid,” whispered Minseok. “I might’ve been with other guys before but just as experiments. I haven’t ever wanted to… return to anyone. You might be special.” Lu Han closed his eyes, trying to take Minseok at his word and not think about how his ex-boyfriends had said something similar.

They began dating after that, not necessarily broadcasting it to the world but telling their friends. Minseok’s friends were taken aback, but as he didn’t really have many close friends, none of them really cared. He’d confided in Lu Han that he’d joined the soccer club to befriend someone, and found Lu Han. 

On the other hand, Lu Han’s friends outright disapproved, especially Yixing. Lu Han wrote that off as Yixing drawing nonexistent parallels to his own sucky relationships. All the girls he liked dumped him within the month, despite what Yixing would do for them, because he would forget small details… and large details. Like birthdays and anniversaries. 

It was a sore point with Yixing, because he always felt incredibly bad about forgetting. He couldn’t help it, but his girlfriends always told him, “Then I can’t help but dump you.”

Lu Han scowled at the thought. _So yeah, who does Yixing think he is giving me relationship advice, anyway? He’s just projecting_ , he thought petulantly, ignoring that Yixing knew Lu Han better than that. _Minseok is worth it_.

A mere two months into the relationship, Minseok wanted out. 

“Minseok… why?” Lu Han, distraught, tried to look at Minseok, but he was avoiding eye contact again.

“My parents found out. Boys aren’t supposed to be my type,” Minseok said simply, and showed Lu Han out the door of his single. He slammed the door closed in Lu Han’s face.

Minseok broke his heart for the second time.

He couldn’t understand how Minseok could be caring one moment and shoving him out the door the next. Lu Han spent some time cradling his earring, wondering how Minseok truly felt.

A mere week later found Minseok in Lu Han’s bed again.

“Fuck my parents.”

“I really don’t want to, Minseok. But,” Lu Han’s dry tone was ruined by the moan he gave as Minseok drove into him especially hard, “ah-are you sure? Aren’t your parents super stri—.”

“Let’s not,” Minseok panted, thrusting, “Talk about this right now.” They both moaned, both reaching their climax faster than ever before.

Collapsing on top of Lu Han, Minseok cupped his cheek and flippantly said, “I don’t have to listen to them. I’m old enough to decide who I’m with.” It was a bit forced, a bit out of character.  
Lu Han definitely felt uncomfortable, as if Minseok was using him to get at his parents. 

But he kept his mouth shut. Minseok was in his arms again and he didn’t want to ruin it by running his mouth. Plus, now Minseok was making it up to him every other day, with romantic gestures like flowers accompanied by numerous whispered assurances of his care for Lu Han.

Minseok knew him like no one else did, loving him despite his faults. He really pushed Lu Han to think about how to improve himself, what to change. His advice was invaluable, and Lu Han couldn’t get enough of it.

After they returned from an impromptu beach trip, Yixing pulled Lu Han aside to yell at him, pushing Minseok out of the room. “Ge,” he said sternly, “He’s not good for you, haven’t you seen how he’s isolated you from us? I haven’t really talked to you in weeks, _months_ even! We….” He paused, tears glinting in his eyes. “Are we still even friends?”

Lu Han swallowed, hating confrontation, especially with Yixing. “Xing, of course we’re friends. I just haven’t had much time lately and plus I think I…” his throat closed up, because he hadn’t even admitted it to Minseok yet. But he found his voice, continuing in a low whisper, “I think I love him. And he takes care of me, he saw how stressed I was and brought me to the beach. Plus, I still have lunch with you and the others like once a week. Just like last year.”

Yixing scoffed. “Just like last year my foot. Even your roommate barely sees you anymore. It’s to the point Jongin comes to _me_ for advice.” 

“That’s—.” Lu Han started, but cut off with a sigh. He hadn’t realized that he and Jongin hadn’t had one of their roomie life talks in a while. He put a mental note to catch up with him when he had a chance. “I’ll talk to Jongin soon. But, you know, being with Minseok is making me a better person,” he tried to explain, but realized he’d accidentally stepped on a tricky subject when Yixing slammed the table between them.

“I fucking liked you the way you were, you idiot,” he snapped. “A boyfriend doesn’t tell you they’ll improve you. A boyfriend accepts you for who you are.”

Angry on Minseok’s behalf, Lu Han hit the wall with his fist, eyes seeing red at Yixing’s accusation. “You have no right. Are you referring to how your exes accepted you forgetting about them?” he sneered, but froze when the door opened. 

“Everything okay in here?” Minseok said, entering the room unexpectedly. “Lu Han, it was something you said, wasn’t it? Apologize. What did we say about your temper?” Lu Han, mouth falling open, turned to actually look at Yixing. Yixing, whose face had fallen at the shit point Lu Han had just made. 

Feelings of regret washed over him, making him feel very small. It’d been something Minseok had worked so hard with Lu Han on. Rubbing the side of his hand, Lu Han meekly replied, “That… I should keep it in hold. I’m… I’m sorry, Xing.” A hand on his back, rubbing it. Minseok’s.

“That’s more like it, Luhannie.” Lu Han shot Yixing a look, trying to convey _See? I’m a better person with him_. Yixing bit his lip, looking defeatedly between Lu Han and Minseok. Instead of responding, he simply walked out, slamming the door behind him. Minseok talked Lu Han down, helping him digest the conversation, and then took him to the library for a study date.

Lu Han’s grades had never been better. 

Their relationship felt more and more right. He was wanted, needed by Minseok. Lu Han could even be considered Minseok’s main project for the year, his boyfriend telling him he’s fixing Lu Han’s clinginess by being his anchor, teaching him to give other people space. In fact, it took so much of Lu Han’s time he sometimes skipped out on that weekly lunch with his soccer club friends. 

The longer they spent together, the better their relationship got. They’d gone a long way, almost a year and a half past the rocky start of the relationship. _So much happiness_.

A month before graduation, Minseok pulled them both into Lu Han’s room, looking distraught. Lu Han could tell something was different, something was terribly off, but nothing could have prepared him for what followed. “Lu Han, you were my first boyfriend, ever. You’ve had other boyfriends?”

Lu Han looked at Minseok, baffled. They’d never talked about Lu Han’s previous relationships, but that was because it had never been an issue before. “Yes? But you’re the only one for me now. Now and always.”

Minseok’s lip quivered, tears pooling in his eyes. “My parents… they’re friends with both Insung’s and Ahyeon’s parents. They said you turned them queer, and moved on. Will… were you going to leave me too? Now that you’ve turned me?” His voice cracked a little on the last question, eyes pleading and searching Lu Han’s gaze for… something.

“I… wouldn’t, I wouldn’t do that to you, Minseok. Besides, that’s crazy talk,” he said, clasping Minseok’s hands and returning his gaze with as much earnestness as he could. Minseok pulled his hands away, tears spilling slowly. Lu Han was torn between wanting to wipe them away and respecting Minseok’s space. 

“How would I be able to know?” Minseok said, looking at his hands. “Your past isn’t very comforting, Luhannie.”

“Compared to you, Insung and Ahyeon were—are—nothing. Also, they broke up with _me_. How could I have moved on?”

“So you would have moved on if you’d been given the chance? If they hadn’t done it first?” 

Lu Han felt like he had been punched in the stomach. “No!” he said, wondering at how Minseok could have changed his words around. “I… what, how can I prove this to you? That I would never do this to you?” He needed this to not happen. Not Minseok, too. 

“I think…,” Minseok said, finally looking at Lu Han. “If you want to prove it to me, we need to take a break.”

“For… for how long?” Lu Han whispered.

“Four months. It’s… it’s short, but I,” Minseok said, taking a deep breath but releasing a sob, “I don’t actually want to break up with you, or even stay apart from you that long. But we need this. I need this. If you can stay faithful, I can trust you enough to get back together with you.”

Though Minseok was breaking his heart for the third time, Lu Han knew he had to do it. He had to prove himself to Minseok, who’d been so good to him. “I’ll do it, Minseok. Four months without you will be torture, but I can do it.” 

A thought occurred to him, and he reached for his earring. Minseok looked at him, confused, when Lu Han offered him the earring. “Minseok, take this earring to remember me. This… this is my promise that you’ll be giving it back to me soon.” He tried to smile, and Minseok simply nodded, accepting the earring.

“I… I love you, Luhannie. See you in four months.” With that, Minseok left the room. Lu Han could hear him sniffling and started to cry himself. He’d make it. He had to, he couldn’t leave it at that. He had to tell him in four months that he loved Minseok too.

Four months included the final month until graduation. It took all three of Lu Han’s close friends - Sehun, Yixing, and Jongin - to get Lu Han through, get him back to concentrating on his classes at the last moment. All they knew was that Minseok had broken up with Lu Han. Lu Han decided not to tell them differently, because they wouldn’t understand. They didn’t understand how Minseok was changing him for the better, so they definitely wouldn’t understand why he needed to prove himself for Minseok.

They tried to reassure Lu Han that he still had them even if Lu Han had neglected them. It was sweet of them, but the only thing that got Lu Han through was the mantra of “Four months.” 

Lu Han applied for jobs in a blur, and managed to get one deep in the countryside, five hours away from anyone he’d known - college, family home. He accepted right away. If he proved to Minseok he would remain faithful, even in a completely new environment, then they’re sure to be okay, right?

He arrived at El Dorado. _Three months to go._

_____________________

When Lu Han finished his story, there was silence. Baekhyun had drawn his legs in, tapping thoughtfully on his thighs. Kyungsoo also sat back, rubbing at his bottom lip as he absorbed the information. Finally, he said, “It’s not my place to judge, but that doesn’t sound like a relationship worth keeping.”

Lu Han froze, and felt a sense of betrayal rising in his chest. “You can go—”

A hand landed on his shoulder, stopping him from continuing. He whirled around to glare at Baekhyun, but the other merely drew him in for a hug. “Kyungsoo, that’s too blunt. Xiao Lu, it’s your choice who you want to be with,” Baekhyun murmured into Lu Han’s hair. “And in some way it sounds like Minseok cares about you. I’ll tell Chanyeol to back off. Did talking make you feel better?”

When his mind cleared, Lu Han realized it did. It didn’t weigh on him as heavily as it had before, being the sole person who bore his baggage. He hugged Baekhyun back, who rubbed soothing circles into his shoulder. “Yeah. Thanks,” Lu Han said, choked up. He’d broken his own rule to not tell anyone, but really, that applied more to his meddling college friends.

“If it’s any consolation, maybe his parents will change their mind. Mine were pretty open, and Baekhyun’s came around when they saw how much we loved each other,” offered Kyungsoo. Lu Han nodded into Baekhyun’s chest.

He heard Kyungsoo get up, stacking a few plates. Baekhyun let go of Lu Han to help Kyungsoo put them away. Lu Han sat at the table and Meok jumped into his lap, whuffing quietly. He could hear the sound of a dishwasher starting up as Kyungsoo came back into the kitchen. Giving Lu Han a small heart-shaped smile, he said, “Let’s go watch a movie or something?” He tugged on Lu Han’s arm lightly. “Baek’s been wanting to rewatch Ocean’s Eleven.”

“Okay,” Lu Han replied.

That night, lying on Kyungsoo’s guest bed, he felt glad that he’d told them. It was a good reminder of his determination to wait for Minseok.

_Because for Minseok, it’s worth it. One more month._

_____________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't be updating this weekend with this finally finished, but look forward to more in two weeks~!


	8. Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't had jajjangmyeon (black bean noodles), you ought to get some. That's real comfort food. Also tang su yuk is sweet and sour pork.  
> Sorry this has been a while T_T. I've been away on vacation and that last chapter took a lot out of me. But I might do a double update this week to make up for it, so stay tuned.

Despite his strengthened resolve about Minseok, Lu Han found that he had difficulty falling asleep. Tossing and turning in the guest room bed, he finally flung the covers off of himself and sat up, propping his back against the cool wall. 

A few minutes passed and his sleepiness didn’t return. Sighing, he grabbed for his phone in the darkness. He hadn’t really checked his messages since going camping, so might as well start now. When the screen turned on, his jaw fell open.

There were the usual notifications from Yixing and Sehun, but there were missed calls from _Jongin_ , of all people. Jongin, who was supposed to be in France. He glanced at the time - 2 AM - and decided, _fuck it, he’ll just ignore it if he’s not awake_.

Jongin picked up at the third ring. “Mrgh,” he grunted into the phone. “Hello?”

Lu Han swallowed at the familiar voice. “You called?” he whispered into the phone, trying to keep quiet. He didn’t want to wake Baekhyun and Kyungsoo by accident.

Soft laughter came from the other side of the phone, sheets rustling and a whispered apology. “Yeah, hold on, I’m going to move so I don’t bother Soojung.”

His slightly sleep-deprived mind scrambled to put together the information. “You’re with Soojung? Back in the States?”

“Yep. In fact, we’re actually in DC right now. Soojung’s on fall break and I managed to find really cheap round-trip tickets, so I decided to visit.”

“DC... is really close to me, Jongin,” Lu Han said slowly.

Jongin’s response was sheepish. “I realized after I got here. That's why I called. You up for dinner or something? Just you and me. Like old times.”

Lu Han laughed. “Just like old times. If I drive out right after work tomorrow we should be good. Meet me at the Vienna metro at 6, I’ll take us somewhere.”

“Alright. Good night, hyung.”

“Night.” They hung up, and Lu Han’s thoughts raced. _Maybe… maybe it’s time to tell my other friends too_. Jongin would probably be the easiest, as the least judgmental of his college friends. But Lu Han’s still scared. He’s kept it to himself for so long from them and he knows he’d hate it if one of them kept such a big secret from him. What if Jongin stopped wanting to be his friend? What if he decided Lu Han wasn’t worth it? What if—

Lu Han shook himself out of those scary thoughts. _We’ll just have to see_.

_____________________

Pulling up to the metro and seeing Jongin’s smile made Lu Han realize just how much he’d missed his old college roommate. Jongin was wearing his favorite “Anti Social Social Club” shirt, jeans, and a beanie. His comfy outfit, he called it. Lu Han quickly threw his car in park and jumped out to hug Jongin.

Laughing, Jongin returned the hug. “I forgot how affectionate you were, hyung,” he teased, but his hands were warm and reassuring on Lu Han’s back.

“Shut up,” Lu Han said gruffly, and stepped back. “Did you lose even more weight?” The clothes seemed to hang more loosely on his already skinny frame.

Jongin stuck out his tongue. “The French eat like birds compared to us. Between work and dancing I guess it just happened. Soojung did her best to fix that this past week though.”

Winking, Lu Han replied, “As will I. Get in, we’re going eating.”

He had decided on a Korean restaurant he’d found on an article online that had good jajjangmyeon, black bean noodles. Lu Han had reluctantly gotten used to the lack of food options that came with living in a small town, but was determined to explore the city’s offerings now that he was here. Jongin rolled his eyes when Lu Han pulled into the restaurant’s parking lot. 

“Why am I not surprised? I come back to America for a visit and you bring me to a _Korean_ restaurant.”

“Shh, Jonginnie, read the sign. It says Korean- _Chinese_.” They both bowed in greeting to the waiter and ordered two helpings of jajjangmyeon. 

Jongin scoffed. “Hyung, Korean-Chinese just means jajjangmyeon and tang su yuk. Not that I’m really complaining, of course.” They engaged in more small talk as they waited for food to arrive, pleasantries about the flight and Jongin’s past week of vacation with Soojung. Lu Han also told Jongin stories about his office, trying to ignore how half of them were about Chanyeol. 

Finally, as they were both halfway through their meal, Lu Han set his chopsticks down to stare at Jongin, trying to steel himself for what would come. He wasn’t sure how Jongin would react, not after it had been so long, since… “Jongin.”

“Hrnph?” Jongin responded intelligently, through a mouthful of jajjangmyeon. 

Lu Han snorted, and then regained his composure. “Re...remember when I said it was over, with Minseok?” 

“How could I forget?” Jongin said, after gulping down his food. “It took a miracle and a half to get you graduating with us.” 

He took in a deep breath. “Well, we… never actually broke up. We’re on a break.”

“What?” Jongin set his chopsticks down too and grabbed a napkin to wipe his mouth. Something in Lu Han’s chest twisted at the look of hurt on Jongin’s face. 

A few moments of silence passed before Jongin finally continued, “How could you? Why….” he drifted off, looking conflicted. 

Lu Han wrung his hands under the table, waiting for Jongin to find the words he wanted to say. There were a million things he wanted to say too, but none of them felt right. To his surprise, Jongin continued, “Ah. Fuck. That’s probably why you didn’t tell us.”

“Pardon?”

Jongin reached over the table, beckoning for Lu Han’s hand. He reluctantly loosened a hand from his nervous wringing to place it in Jongin’s, who wrapped his other hand over it. “We're your friends, Han. You should tell us these things. I might not approve but I'm here for you. Ok?”

He squeezed back, not trusting himself to speak for a few moments. “Ok,” he choked out finally, only realizing how lonely he'd felt in trying to take this on himself. “I do trust you guys, even if I'm shit at showing it.”

Jongin laughed, but it was a watery one. “I'm shit at it too. We can be shitty together.”

“What a delightful prospect,” Lu Han replied dryly. “Now let me go before I and the rest of the restaurant suspect you're going to propose to me.” 

“Oh dear, wouldn't want these ajhummas to get their hearts fluttering.” Lu Han retrieved his hand, and beamed at Jongin in a way he hoped communicated his love for his friend. “Stop that, your smile is creeping me out.” 

Lu Han shoved at Jongin’s shoulder. “I’m still your hyung, don’t talk to me like that,” he said, sticking out his tongue playfully. He ignored that Jongin had barely moved, flexing his arm muscles. “Show-off.”

Jongin shrugged, grinning in an endearingly silly way. “They’re useful for something. Don’t try to change the subject on me. How long is this break between you and Minseok, exactly?”

Fiddling with his chopsticks, Lu Han replied, “Minseok said four months. Four months so I can prove my love for him. He’ll come visit soon, and we’ll get back together for real.”

Looking up again, he saw that Jongin’s mouth had twisted as if he’d eaten something sour. “I’m not sure I understand how a four month break would prove anything, but okay. Did he tell you not to tell us?” His tone was hopeful, and Lu Han winced.

“No. That, I came up with on my own. I didn’t think you guys would understand why I did it.” Lu Han looked into Jongin’s eyes, searching, before looking away. He hated the disappointment he saw there. “He said the four month break is because of my history with my exes.”

“I don’t understand, and that’s plain ugly of him to bring up your exes when they have nothing to do with your relationship.” Jongin sighed. “But you’re an adult. We’re all adults. I would’ve at least tried to trust your decisions, even if I didn’t understand.”

“Okay,” Lu Han grumbled. They talked further about how Minseok and Lu Han had come to the decision, Jongin shaking his head but not asserting judgment, for which Lu Han was grateful.

“Which brings me to now. How _is_ ‘proving your love’ going?”

“It’s good,” Lu Han began, defensive. “I want to be with Minseok again just as much as ever. He’s good for me. I… I love him.” He hesitated, and then thought, _If I’m telling him, I might as well tell him everything and ask for advice_. “I do have the small problem of a crush on a coworker.”

“This... coworker. Is he named Chanyeol?”

Lu Han gaped at Jongin. Where had that come from? “How did you….”

Jongin’s gaze was unusually piercing. “Back when you were talking about work, you brought up Chanyeol. I was going to ask you if you liked him. Especially since he sounds like he's got the hots for you.”

“He does, does he? And how can you tell?” Lu Han asked, shifting to cross his arms in front of him.

“Hyung, the number one thing that keeps your attraction is attention. You like being liked. But your so-called little crush sounds bigger than that. That's a problem if you insist on being with Minseok. You're leading two guys on.”

“I don't… I can't be leading Chanyeol on if he's got a girlfriend,” Lu Han protested.

“Girlfriend or not, you have to tell it to him straight. I don't know the guy but I do know you. I believe in you, hyung, that you can be honest,” Jongin added, batting his eyelashes cutely to soften his next words, “even if you kept this secret from your real friends like a _jerk_.”

“I said I was sorry,” Lu Han pouted in response, but he saw Jongin’s point. “But okay fine. Since you believe in me so much, I have to be the hyung that deserves that.”

“There you go. Also to be the hyung that deserves my belief, you should treat me to dessert too!”

“Ugh,” Lu Han said with feeling, looking at his sad wallet. The dinner had been on the cheap side, but eating in the city always munched a hole in his budget. “Fine. I don’t see you often enough to actually break my bank.”

Jongin let out a silly giggle, taking out his credit card. “I was just joking. We should go Dutch on this.” They fought over the bill, like old times. And like old times, Jongin let Lu Han win on terms of being the hyung. “I’ll get it next time,” he reasoned.

“Mhm, you mean never,” Lu Han teased. He looked out, and saw it was dark outside. “Alright, let’s head out now. I need to get home for the right bedtime.”

They both stood up, and Jongin cracked old man jokes at Lu Han on the drive back to the metro. It was bittersweet to have to drop him off, reminding Lu Han of watching Sehun leave that first time.

Lu Han covered it up with a big smile for Jongin, hugging him. “Do say hi to Soojung for me,” he whispered to Jongin as they held each other. “And take care of yourself.” 

“I shall, and I will. You take care of yourself too, hyung. And don't ever fucking forget again that I've always got your back. Don't you dare keep anything like that from me again.” 

Finally letting go of Jongin, Lu Han said, “I will.” 

The sadness and homesickness hit him halfway through the drive back, Lu Han letting out choked sobs before making a quick decision to pull over at a rest stop on the way home. It wasn't as bad as Sehun leaving, those two months ago, because he knew he was going… _home_ to El Dorado. 

A fluorescent street lamp flickered on, illuminating his car. Lu Han shaded his eyes with an arm, sniffling into it. He'd missed Jongin so much, and already anticipated how much more he will miss him halfway through their meal. Coupled with the overwhelming relief that Jongin _accepted_ him even though he'd kept something so big from him… 

Finally, Lu Han collected himself, running to the rest stop bathroom to splash water on his face. 

“Phew!” he exclaimed to his reflection, and weakly grinned at himself. “I know what I'll do. I'll make things clear with him. And….” He stopped, suddenly feeling silly. “And I'll stop talking to myself,” he mumbled and skulked back to his car. _Here's another thing that's changed_ , he thought while turning the ignition on, _I'm more confident with driving. My life is coming together_. 

The rest of the drive was uneventful. He thought of ways to bring it up in conversation with Chanyeol, and felt bad. It was on him to tell Chanyeol, and he hadn't. _And you can totally like someone else when you're with another. You just have to be firm and not act on it. Window shop, appreciate the goods, but say a firm no._

Lu Han was humming along to the radio by the time he was driving down the hill to El Dorado. He liked the one rock station they had, preferring to avoid all the country ones his coworkers liked. Though he wasn’t exactly happy - he couldn’t be happy He slowed for a few deer, and cheered at the sight of El Dorado’s porch light.

The plans to tell Chanyeol right away fizzled when he pulled into the driveway and saw a large figure slumped against the front door. The porch light brought the figure into focus: Chanyeol. _Oh no, what?_ Lu Han hurriedly turned off the engine and ran to up the front stairs. Was he drunk? Why was he sitting like that?

“Hey, what's up?” he asked, startling his coworker. Chanyeol made a loud noise, back slamming against the door, slapping a hand on his heart. 

“Fuck, Lu Han, you scared me.” Lu Han’s worry only increased when he really got a chance to look at Chanyeol. His eyes were wild and red-rimmed, and his hair was disheveled as if he'd dragged his fingers through it. Not drunk, his voice had been too clear for that. Lu Han crouched in front of him, looking inquisitively. 

Chanyeol searched Lu Han’s own eyes, and finally let out a huge sigh, entire body deflating. “I’d hoped… I just….” Chanyeol drooped, not knowing how to finish the sentence and instead rubbing his hands up and down his arms in silence.

Lu Han shivered too and realized it was pretty chilly outside. Chanyeol was only dressed in a tank top and sweatpants with large holes at the knees. He felt cold just looking at him. “Let’s get you inside and then we can talk,” he suggested softly. “I do need to get to the door first.” 

Chanyeol sighed. “You would need to unlock this door for us to get in,” he said reasonably, and got out of the way. “Sorry for being in the way.” His arms were still wrapped around himself, as if trying to make himself as small as possible. Usually Lu Han found this endearing, but now he found it worrying, especially with Chanyeol’s teeth close to chattering.

“How long have you been out here?” Lu Han asked as he unlocked the door and got it open. He reached for Chanyeol’s hands to lead him inside, and tried not to wince at how cold the other’s hands were. “Why didn’t you go to your car?”

“I dunno how long. And… my car’s too full of my stuff to really comfortably sit in. I barely got here as it is, with all the stuff blocking my rear window,” Chanyeol said, almost numbly, as Lu Han led him to the dilapidated striped couch in the living room. Even though it looked like shit, Lu Han swore it was the most comfortable couch in the house, and that’s what Chanyeol looked like he needed at the moment. He sat Chanyeol down and gathered all of the blankets lying around.

As he draped blankets over Chanyeol, the other continued to speak in a continuously more muffled voice, “Plus being out there increased the chances of someone coming out to check the porch light. It worked! I can’t be alone when I’m sad. It’s a little pathetic.”

When Lu Han was done, he couldn’t help but laugh a little at his work. Chanyeol was so thoroughly cocooned in blankets that you could only see his eyes. Those eyes crinkled up slightly in an imitation of his usual smile, one squinting more than the other. Even looking ridiculous like this, Chanyeol made Lu Han’s heart skip a beat. “Chanyeol, it’s not pathetic. Should I get you some tea or something?”

A hand reached out and tugged Lu Han closer. “No. I heard that body warmth is the best cure for hypothermia though.” He spared a moment to think, _This is_ NOT _a good idea Lu Han_ , and _What a terrible excuse, fuck he must really like me_ , before letting himself be cuddled. Arguing with himself, he thought, _I just want to help, after he’s been so nice to me. What harm could it do?_ He knew cuddling would make Chanyeol feel infinitely better. 

_Minseok would be okay with this, he was okay with my penchant for platonic cuddling though he didn’t really like it. Plus I know he’d like Chanyeol, no one could hate Chanyeol._

Lu Han shifted sideways in Chanyeol’s lap, adjusting himself to lean against Chanyeol’s chest. _Might as well get comfortable_. The arms around him tightened. Inwardly, Lu Han sighed. _I’ll_ definitely _have to clear things up with him later, when he’s not so sad. Right now, though…_. “So,” he said, turning to look up at Chanyeol, “want to talk?”

Chanyeol rumbled, “...kinda but kinda not.”

“Okay.”

Another sigh. “I hate that you have to see me so… so pathetic.”

Lu Han paused before carefully saying, “It’s not pathetic to be honest about wanting comfort.” He swallowed, saying, “I think it’s actually quite brave. That you let yourself be vulnerable.” He certainly had enough trouble with that to appreciate it.

“I hate that I need it. I’m old enough that I’m supposed to stand up for myself and everything, but I just run away from my problems. I ran away from my parents when they didn’t accept me, and I’m running away from this awful human of a landlady.” 

“Sometimes it’s not running away, it’s choosing your fights. And it sounds like it’s not worth it to confront your crazy landlady.”

Chanyeol drew in a shuddering breath, and Lu Han could feel his chest expanding. The little gasps that came afterward made Lu Han realize he was crying, and before he knew what he 1was doing Lu Han completely turned to straddle Chanyeol’s lap to throw his arms around him. He made small shushing noises, rocking Chanyeol back and forth. Lu Han was simultaneously angry and sad for him. 

Between gasps, Chanyeol said, “She told me I needed to… needed to pay her next month’s rent. That I owed her it for trying to move out on short notice. She said she’d _sue_ me.”

“What kind of lease did you sign?” Lu Han asked, trying to draw upon his meager knowledge of how housing in the real world worked. Yixing and Sehun had mentioned signing one together.

“That’s the fucking thing, we didn’t fucking _sign_ one. I don’t owe her anything, I was paying her on a weekly basis.”

Lu Han’s eyes widened. That didn’t sound very legit. He said out loud, indignantly, “Well, fuck her then. Joke’s on her if she thinks she’d win anything.”

Chanyeol buried his head into Lu Han’s shoulder, continuing in a voice Lu Han could barely make out, “But Lu Han, she already called her lawyer and said all this bullshit about Virginia law and I just, I couldn’t handle it anymore… I left and ended up here.”

“Shh. You’re safe now. Just don’t go back there again.” 

In an even smaller voice, Chanyeol replied, “I won’t. I just… I just don’t understand how someone can be so awful. So passive aggressive. I shouldn’t have let this go so far.”

“Well now you know. There are terrible people in the world and you just gotta get away from them. You’re just too nice,” Lu Han murmured to him.

Chanyeol laughed, a more genuine sound this time. “So wise to the ways of the world, oh young dongsaeng.” 

“I have good hyungs to learn from. And you’re a good person. You’re good at making people feel safe. Now I want you to feel safe.”

“Thanks.”

A few moments pass before Lu Han realized what a compromising position they were in. He gulped and drew back. Suddenly having a bad feeling, he slowly turned around and saw all of El Dorado peeking into the living room. 

_Well, fuck_.

Lu Han turned back to Chanyeol, who had fallen asleep. He must’ve been tired from the drama and the escape. _I have no fucking idea how I’m going to explain this_. He extracted himself from Chanyeol’s hold and gently rearranged him into a more comfortable sleeping position. “I’m just repaying you the favor from when we first met,” he whispered, and gave Chanyeol’s head one last pat.

Straightening, he walked out of the living room, closed the door, and went across the hall to the dining room. He made a face at Amber, Sulli, Junmyeon, and Chen, who all bore matching sly expressions. “It’s too late in the evening for this shit,” he complained. “I was comforting Chanyeol, as a _friend_.”

Amber’s smirk widened. “We didn’t say anything. I’m sure all friends comfort each other with lap dances.”

Lu Han squawked indignantly, but kept it down so Chanyeol wouldn’t wake up. “I did no such thing.”

Sobering up, Junmyeon said, “But is he okay? I had no idea he was even here until I heard talking coming from downstairs….”

Lu Han relayed what had happened to the others and they all nodded in understanding. Sulli’s face darkened as she said, “Seriously fuck that woman. It’s not Yeol’s fault at all. He might be clumsy but he always means well.” She turned to Junmyeon. “Mom, is it worked out? Can he come back?”

Junmyeon smiled, a relieved one this time. “Actually, yes. I meant to tell him today but he rushed off after work. Presumably to finish getting his stuff together before his landlady got back. Sooman said he can, he’ll have to pay rent but it’s no problem since we’re getting to the end of field season.” A sigh of relief went around the room.

“That’s good,” Lu Han said. “I think I’m gonna go to bed now. Long day.” He headed upstairs, quickly escaping before he had to explain anything. It would be better to tell them when his head was clear again.

It wasn’t until he was falling asleep when he realized Sulli had been just as unaffected as the others. _Strange. Maybe she just doesn’t get jealous? Minseok wouldn’t be either, he’s perfect like that._


	9. Unexpected

Maybe it’s because he willingly cuddled Chanyeol this time, but his sleep was restless that night. Lu Han dreamt of Minseok and Chanyeol throughout, with one horrible nightmare where he hugged Minseok, only to have Minseok turn around with Chanyeol’s face.

He woke up drenched in a cold sweat. _At least it’s a Tuesday, and I got a lot of stuff done yesterday_ , he figured. _Today I can be a little off._

Lu Han stifled a yawn as he walked into his shared office. Kyungsoo perched in his chair, stirring a tea bag in a cup and cutely blowing the steam away. “You look like you’ve been through the wringer,” he commented after taking a tentative sip. “Tough night? Want some tea?”

Setting his own coffee mug down, Lu Han said, “Nah, I’m okay. Nothing a quick lunchtime nap won’t fix. And thanks, I’ve got coffee.”

“If you say so. If you’re getting sick though, stay home. I don’t need your germs.”

Lu Han bent under his desk to fire up his computer, humming along to the power up sound. “How very caring of you,” he said, deadpan, and blew a kiss at his officemate as he sat down. Kyungsoo made a face at him.

As both of them settled in for the day and opened up their inbox, they found _it_. _It_ being the cheery email from headquarters announcing “new acorn protocols coming their way at 8 AM!”

Oh no. 

Lu Han could tell Kyungsoo had finished the email at the same time because he hissed, “Why the fuck _now_? It’s the end of the field season, what the actual _fuck_! How on earth am I supposed to get these scheduled?”

Lu Han rubbed his forehead in anticipation of the headaches he was going to have. From the email, he gathered that they would need to use new technology to collect and process data within the next two weeks, before all of the freaking acorns fell off of the damn trees and rotted.

This, and next week, was going to be a long week. And it was only Tuesday.

_____________________

The NEMI station was like a hill of ants turned inside out.

Lu Han called and led his first meeting of the job with the NEMI techs who were pulled to do the new protocol. He didn’t even have the time to be nervous about his role, because he had to explain how to use the NEMI data collection app to avoid all of the bugs.

He wasn’t even aware he was shaking with nervous energy when Victoria found him after the meeting and hugged him, saying, “That was really helpful. Thanks Lu Han.” Lu Han relaxed into her hug, finally releasing some of his nervous energy.

“That means a lot to me, Vic. Didn’t, ha, have much time to prepare.” She smiled at him and ruffled his hair on the way out.

Chen also smacked him on the back, yelling, “Yeah, good job!” The smack _hurt_ , so Lu Han scowled at him instead, pushing his bangs back to glare. “Puppy Lu should probs get a haircut!” 

Lu Han rolled his eyes. “I’ll manage. Maybe in two weeks,” he said, already going back to his work and mind whirling with the suggestions the techs had offered him. 

After that, it’s meeting after meeting with the field assistant managers and Kyungsoo, trying to work out the new schedule and streamlining the technology. 

“Junmyeon, I told you that you need to keep Amber, not Sulli. To be honest, she’s twice as fast in the field.”

Junmyeon opened his mouth to protest but harrumphed instead. “Fine, Kyungsoo, but I’m staying in the plant team, no aco—” 

“Literally no one was protesting that,” Kyungsoo interrupted, rolling his eyes. 

Lu Han cheerily said, “Be right back, Soo,” steering Junmyeon out of the office before his roommate could explode. It was a sign that the office was stressed because even normally mild-mannered Junmyeon was losing his temper. When they were safely out of the office and a little ways down, he said, “Calm your tits, he’s trying to help. Soo’s also just sleep-deprived.”

Junmyeon let out a long sigh. “I know, I just hate being manager but not actually being able to _manage_. Sulli hates that protocol and so do I. We thought we’d escape it by being in this station.”

He snorted. “I can see why. What a pain in the butt. Come on, go wrap up that meeting, roomie.”

Before he realized, it was 3 PM and he had worked way past lunch. He’d only realized it was lunch when Chanyeol worriedly popped his head into their office and asked, “Are _either_ of you going to eat?” 

Lu Han and Kyungsoo had chorused, “Later,” and went back to their computers, Lu Han more out of guilt for staring a second too long at Chanyeol’s handsome face. Now Lu Han was starving and groaned because he remembered his lunch was sitting on the countertop back at El Dorado. Annoyedly blowing at the hair falling into his eyes, he looked to his left, vision fuzzing from staring at the computer screen for so long and re-focused on the side of his table.

A Subway sandwich, placed with a little post-it that had a “ _Hwaiting, dongsaeng! - Chanyeol!_ ” and a crooked smiley face. Lu Han’s heart flopped a little, painfully, sparing a moment to think about he should really talk to Chanyeol. _Later_ , as he had told Chanyeol. _Later_. 

When they discussed how Chanyeol would deal, he said, “I’m not sure how good my techs will be but you can have all of them.”

Kyungsoo slowly set down his papers. “ _All_ of them?”

“Yeah. I can do all of the tower tech duties, I’ll just keep Lu Han updated.” Chanyeol flashed a smile in Lu Han’s direction, and Lu Han tried to smile back. “We got that hands-free walkie-talkie working, anyway.”

Putting his concerns about suddenly hearing Chanyeol’s voice in his ears _all the time_ into a dark corner of his mind, Lu Han forced himself to reply, “Sure, I think Chanyeol can do it.” Self-consciously pushing at his bangs, Lu Han felt the back of his neck go pink. He really did, he trusted Chanyeol. 

Kyungsoo had the strangest look on his face, but said, “Okay. Let Lu Han know right away if you need one of your techs back.”

Indeed, hearing Chanyeol’s voice at random intervals did do terrible things to Lu Han’s heart. “All good here, dongsaeng,” turned into the most looked-forward-to and dreaded message. It was all Lu Han could do to reply, “Great, thanks Chanyeol,” and not try to follow up with more. There’s a time and place for everything, and work was definitely not the time to blurt out to Chanyeol that they should stay friends.

It was so hard, though, because he needed Chanyeol to stop. 

He needed Chanyeol to stop checking in so often, letting him know the technology was all good. He needed Chanyeol to stop randomly bringing him and Kyungsoo much-needed coffee. He needed Chanyeol to stop making sure they were fed.

It was getting more obvious that Lu Han should say something. At night, he paused outside of Chanyeol’s door, wondering if it would be the right time to go in and say, “Hey, Chanyeol, by the way, I want to stay friends! Hope that’s good with you bro k bye.” Somehow it didn’t seem like the right time, especially not if he would faceplant into the carpet right after. 

On Friday, though, Lu Han really realized he should say something soon. While working on a particularly frustrating piece of code, he suddenly found a snapback plopped onto his head. He reached a hand up to his head, looking up in surprise into Chanyeol’s amused face. “You were pushing your hair back so much I thought you might go bald,” he rumbled.

Lu Han blinked at the other and took it off. He hadn’t even realized it consciously before, but now he was aware that he really needed a haircut when his bangs immediately flopped into his eyes. Defeatedly blowing at his bangs, he said, “No, no, you keep this. I’ll deal with this somehow.” He also winced at the color of the snapback - it was bright red and for some reason the word WILD was printed on it in white text. Not really his usual style.

Chanyeol laughed off Lu Han’s protests. “‘S okay, it looks better on you than on me.”

Lu Han hadn’t protested that hard anyway - Chanyeol had plenty of other snapbacks; he could spare one for Lu Han. He also didn’t have enough energy to protest, choosing to stick his tongue out at Chanyeol and go back to work.

And finally it was the weekend. Lu Han spent Friday night, Saturday, and most of Sunday lying in bed, crawling out only to eat chili that Junmyeon insisted on feeding him. He dreamt mostly of code, though in one dream he finally told Chanyeol and wanted to cry at watching Chanyeol’s disappointed face.

On Sunday night, Baekhyun managed to make him go to dinner along with Kyungsoo, Junmyeon, and Amber. “You’re halfway through, for goodness’s sake. Maybe even more than that. That’s enough to celebrate, right?” Baekhyun asked exasperatedly as he literally dragged Lu Han out of bed. Only Sulli escaped Baekhyun’s socialness, on the excuse that she’d gone into town on Saturday and hung out.

Lu Han had no choice, reluctantly putting on real people clothing as Baekhyun watched. “Don’t be shy, Xiao Lu. I’ve seen it all before, I’m _gay_. Hurry up and get dressed.” 

He moaned but admitted, “It’s probably good for me to interact with people outside of work,” putting on a random pair of jeans on the floor.

“Yes, yes. I know I’m a hero, let’s get going.”

Despite his words about interacting, he mostly zoned out during dinner, only responding with vaguely reassuring mumbles when asked if okay. Lu Han sat on the outside of the booth, Baekhyun and Kyungsoo to his right and Junmyeon and Amber to his left. He chose instead to stare at the locally-made abstract paintings on the wall, pondering what mushrooms each artist must have eaten to get those results. 

As if in a blur, he heard the others plan out a skiing trip the next weekend - it was getting chilly enough for that, and Pennsylvania had a few nice resorts. Lu Han nodded his assent, not like he had anything planned for next weekend. When dinner was almost over, he regained enough sense to suddenly realize, “Hey, what happened to Chanyeol? Did we forget to invite him?”

On his left, Junmyeon and Amber exchanged looks. “Chanyeol’s out of town this weekend, Xiao Lu,” Amber said. “Shouldn’t you have known that?”

Lu Han was taken aback. “Why would I have known that?”

Junmyeon awkwardly cleared his throat. “Because well, um, we thought you guys were dating.” He looked across at Baekhyun and Kyungsoo and realized they weren’t as surprised. “Or well I guess Amber and I did, after Monday night.”

“What happened Monday night?” Baekhyun interrupted, tone scarily even.

“Nothing happened Monday night,” Lu Han said quickly. _Wow, that feels like forever ago, it’s only been six days?_ He realized he sounded a little defensive, and amended, “It’s really nothing, I was just being there for him _as a friend_. Besides, he’s dating Sulli isn’t he?”

At this, all four of the others turned blank expressions to Lu Han. “Uh, Xiao Lu,” Junmyeon said, “Sulli and Chanyeol broke up. And didn’t get back together.” 

“Oh,” Lu Han replied lamely. “Uh, awkward? Anyway… I told Baekhyun and Kyungsoo, but I’m sort of going out with a guy.” He turned his phone on to check his calendar, wondering how much to say. He didn’t want to say too much, but suddenly gaped at his phone. 

His inbox had a new message. 

_Minseok_. The last week was so busy he’d forgotten it was… oh my God, it really was the end of their four months! He needed to plan, he was so excited that he felt a bit light-headed with glee.

“It’s finally… maybe he’ll come…” he muttered to himself, and then perked up. “I… my boyfriend would probably like to come on the trip next week if he’s here!” Amber and Junmyeon both made a noise of surprise, sounding more shocked than they should have been. “Why, is it so surprising that I’ve got a boyfriend?” Lu Han joked before realizing they were looking _behind_ him.

He turned around, and felt his heart plummet into the floor.

Chanyeol was standing there, smile frozen. They stared at each other, and despite the gravity of the situation, Lu Han could not help but be fascinated by how many emotions could flicker through Chanyeol’s face - from shock and confusion to realization, hurt, and anger. He’d never seen Chanyeol so vulnerable, except for just that Monday night where Lu Han had been able to comfort him.

And now he had hurt him, hurt him even worse than his crazy landlady because Chanyeol should’ve been able to trust Lu Han. 

Lu Han felt his chest tighten, wanting to reach out, but all he could do was grip his chair too tightly and wait for Chanyeol to speak.

He finally croaked out, “Aha, I, um, I got back… earlier than expected… and thought maybe I’d join for dessert.” Chanyeol spoke as if he only saw Lu Han, despite addressing this to the others. But he looked at him as if seeing a total stranger among his friends. A moment passed before it was made painfully obvious that Lu Han was still waiting, the words _I’m sorry_ trapped in his tightening chest. “...your boyfriend.” 

Then he turned and bolted out of the restaurant. “Chanyeol!” Junmyeon yelled, not caring if the other restaurant patrons were staring, and chased after Chanyeol. 

“Shit, I better go provide backup for Junmyeon,” Kyungsoo muttered and ran after them.

Meanwhile, Lu Han pushed his face into the cradle of his shaking hands. “I meant to tell him, I really did, this past week has just been an absolute shitfest.” He wanted to take it back, he wanted to breathe again, he wanted things to be different. Chanyeol’s hurt burned in the way Minseok’s hurt had, because it was he who had fucked it up.

A sigh. “Xiao Lu, you should’ve told Chanyeol from the beginning, we could all tell he liked you. That was straight up an asshole move, you dumbass.” Amber’s voice.

He felt a wave of shame flood him. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not me you should be sorry to.”

He felt a hand on his right shoulder, and glanced at Baekhyun through his hands. “What?”

“What’s done is done. Actually talk to him when you get back, kay?” Baekhyun said kindly. Too kind for Lu Han. “We all make stupid mistakes, and you didn’t mean to tell him that way.”

Kyungsoo and Junmyeon came back in. “He drove off, looking really upset,” Kyungsoo sighed, lifting Baekhyun’s arm off of Lu Han so he could perch on Baekhyun’s lap. 

Amber scooted away before Junmyeon could even think of doing the same. “But I think he’ll make it back, he’s easily upset but he’s not dumb. Let’s get the check all the same so we can go back and see.”

Baekhyun waved them away. “Nah, we’ll pay. Go home, kids,” he said, propping a chin on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. Kyungsoo nodded.

Junmyeon thanked them and led Lu Han and Amber out of the restaurant.

Amber’s words echoed in his head as he stared out the window on the ride back. Lu Han was an asshole and a doofus and should be sorry. He was sorry. He’d finally made his decision to tell Chanyeol, but it had come out in the worst way possible because he hadn’t just fucking made time to do it. 

When they got back, they found Chanyeol’s door was closed shut. Screwing up his courage, Lu Han knocked on the door. “Come in.”

Amber and Junmyeon went to their rooms as Lu Han pushed the door open. He swung it shut before him, and turned to face Chanyeol, not sure what to expect.

His heart fell. Chanyeol was sitting on the floor, wedged in the space between the foot of his bed and the side of his dresser. He looked miserable and cramped. 

“Um, hey.”

“What do you want, Lu Han?” Lu Han winced. No honorific, huh?

“I… I meant to tell you earlier. I really did. I’m sorry.”

Chanyeol made a small noise of frustration, shifting to look away from Lu Han. “It doesn’t… it doesn’t really matter. I can’t even be angry at you for not telling me, it’s not like you had to. But I thought we were friends, maybe even more, and I can and will be angry at you for leading me on like that. You shouldn’t do that to a friend, dongsa… Lu Han.”

Lu Han shifted from one foot to the other, and looked at the ground. “I know,” he said, feeling small. “I’m sorry. What should I…?”

“Please, just go. You’re making me feel worse.” 

Biting his lip to stop himself from saying anything more, Lu Han fled the room, feeling like he’d broken something precious. Instead of going to his own room, he found himself walking downstairs and outside onto the front porch. He sat on one of the swinging hammocks, and shivered at the cool night air. It helped him clear his head a little, and he remembered he hadn’t responded to Minseok yet.

He pulled up the message.

msk: hey  
msk: ok with this weekend?

It’d been long enough, right? He wanted, no, needed to talk to Minseok. He’d messed up again, and he needed to be better. Minseok would make him better. Lu Han jabbed the call button.

Minseok picked up on the third ring. “Luhannie,” came the warm voice over the speaker. Lu Han shivered, half from the cold and half from the effect Minseok’s voice still had on him.

“Minseok, I….” He swallowed. What was he supposed to say? “I missed you,” he finally choked out after a small pause, and couldn’t help how his voice shook a little. He’d been waiting for this for so long, it was almost unreal.

On the other end of the line, Minseok cleared his throat. “Luhannie… I missed... yeah I missed you too.”

A few moments passed, because what really could they say after that? Lu Han willed his love to ride the wireless phone lines and communicate it because wow he’s being shit at communicating anything right now.

Minseok finally continued with, “Four months… almost unbearable, am I right?”

Lu Han forced out a little laugh. Talk about an understatement “Yeah, totally. But… this weekend? You coming?” He felt anxious, hoping Minseok still felt the same.

“Yeah, I got my train tickets and everything. Prepared, you know?” A voice shouting in the background, and Minseok’s voice, muffled, shouting back. “Sorry about that, I’m at home and have to go soon. Dinner.”

“Dinner this late? Wow. I would say hi to your parents, ha, but…” He shifted a little in the hammock, pulling the sides in closer for more warmth. “They never really liked me.” _They were why you had such a hard time being with me, but I know you… I know you love me_.

“ _I_ like you, I fucking love you, and that’s what really matters.” Lu Han’s eyes filled with tears, he _knew_ it. He was so happy, so full. “Anyway... plans for us?”

“Coworkers,” Lu Han said, and hesitated. What if Minseok didn’t want to meet them? What if… what if they didn’t like each other? What if... But he really wanted him to meet them… and what could go wrong? He continued, “...are going skiing. You up for that?”

“Oh.” Minseok sounded taken aback, but recovered. “Yeah, sure. You been good to them?”

 _Oh, good_. “I sure have. I’ve tried to be good, but sometimes it’s… it’s hard.” Now it was on more familiar ground, and Lu Han melted more into his chair with relief and happiness. “It’ll be good to have you helping me be better, Minseok, I know it.” 

“That’s right. I gotta go. I’ll see you soon, Luhannie. Good night.”

“Good night.”

At the dial tone, Lu Han dropped his phone onto his chest and let out the breath he’d been holding. He was pretty sure he meant all that he had said to Minseok, but he couldn’t put a finger on what was different in their relationship. 

He shrugged it off, and got off the hammock. Probably just the time and distance. The more important thing was how happy he was right now, how much happier he was going to be. _It’ll be different, it’ll be good for sure when he gets here_.

_____________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's really happening now! dun dun DUN  
> I'm hopefully back to updating on a regular basis but this angst is going to be like pulling teeth!! Lu Han get yo act together TT__TT  
> (congrats to the real Lu Han for getting the girlllll)


	10. Arrival

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much guys to all of you who have stuck with me! <3! the end is definitely in sight. Please keep supporting Lu Han - he's a very confused bb right now. what a crazy ride!

His eyes flew open and his first thought was, _Four more days. No, less than that!_ In the cheeriness of the morning, the bad part of last night with Chanyeol was outshined by his joy at Minseok’s call. 

God, he was finally going to be able to be with Minseok again. With that happy thought, Lu Han sprang up out of bed and was ready to face the day.

Good thing he was ready, because it felt like everyone in El Dorado wanted to give him a serious talking-to in private on the way to work. Amber was annoyed, Junmyeon was disappointed, and Lu Han was trying to stay optimistic when they arrived at the office. With all this… he was kind of dreading the Saturday ski trip now. 

Monday morning meeting went as well as could be expected with the looming drama and everyone trying to maintain their professionalism. Chanyeol was conspicuously quieter and less enthusiastic at this week’s meeting. He quickly excused himself afterwards, shoving himself out the door before Lu Han could even think of approaching him. Lu Han drooped as Amber shot him a look and went after Chanyeol. He made himself think, _Minseok_ , ignoring that his heart panged traitorously for _Chanyeol_.

Kyungsoo didn’t say a word until they were both in their office. As soon as the door was closed, he said, “I’m taking Hoseok off of acorns and back onto tower duties.”

Lu Han’s head snapped up. “But… but why?” he stammered. That hadn’t been what they’d worked out with the tower tech team.

The other sighed and rubbed the middle of his forehead. “Chanyeol’s not… in any condition to be handling the towers alone. We’ve been doing well with acorns, Hoseok can take over reporting duties to you as well.”

He swallowed and nodded. “Okay. That makes… sense.”

Yes, these were the consequences. Chanyeol refused to speak to him unless absolutely necessary, and it was Hoseok’s sunny voice that came over the headset instead. “Yo, yo, hope is in the house!” crackled over the headset. “Tower A all good.”

Lu Han croaked an “Okay” back into the headset and took it off. It wasn’t the same. Sure, both Hoseok and Chanyeol were cheery personalities, but Chanyeol… Chanyeol knew Lu Han better. He would be cracking silly jokes to get Lu Han to laugh, grabbing him snacks, not just talking to be talking.

It was unfair to Hoseok, Lu Han knew that. But he missed Chanyeol all the same.

 _Idiot_ , he chastised himself. _You don’t deserve to miss him, you did this to yourself. Plus you’ve got Minseok coming now to think about._

He felt even worse.

Continuing with his streak of friendship fuck-ups, he blew off Yixing and Sehun on their weekly meet with weak excuses of being tired. He could tell from the curt texts that Yixing was ticked off, but he couldn’t risk telling them everything. Because he really wanted to.

He called Jongin instead, crying. “Jonginnie, I fucked up.”

“Hyung, wh… what happened?” Jongin looked awkward and frozen, and Lu Han tried his best to re-compose himself. At the best of times, Jongin couldn’t handle emotions, and was the worst to talk to when drama was happening. But he was the only one Lu Han could talk to, who’d get it even if he didn’t know how to help. 

It helped just to tell him what had happened, and Lu Han did just that. “...and now he won’t even look at me but fuck I shouldn’t be thinking about this when Minseok is coming.” 

Jongin groaned. “I’m sorry hyung, that sucks but... yeah you really did fuck up. I _told_ you to… never mind. It’s too late for that. Give him some space, yeah?”

“I don’t understand space,” Lu Han wailed, and Jongin snorted.

“Now you’re being melodramatic. Alright, I gotta go. But remember, space for Chanyeol, and… I guess you should be excited for Minseok. I love you, hyung, bye.”

Lu Han sniffled. “I am excited for Minseok, I’m just shit at showing it. Love you too. Bye Jonginnie.” But Jongin had already hung up. 

The cold shoulder lasted until Thursday, when the station finished acorns a day earlier than expected. Sooman called a meeting to announce, “We’re done with the acorn protocol nonsense, and you guys have been so great with keeping up the other protocols that I think you deserve dinner on me tonight _and_ tomorrow off!”

Kyungsoo jumped up and cheered, the most boisterous Lu Han had ever seen him at work. And then promptly swooned. Lu Han and Chanyeol rushed to catch him together, and reluctantly had to acknowledge each other’s existence as they helped prop Kyungsoo against the wall. 

“You okay there?” Lu Han asked when Kyungsoo’s eyes fluttered open again. He wondered if he should let Baekhyun know.

“Did I faint? How embarrassing,” Kyungsoo muttered, looking up at Lu Han, who simply blinked at how fast he’d recovered. Did that normally happen? Then Kyungsoo looked at Chanyeol. “Well, no time like the present. Chanyeol, get over yourself and forgive Lu Han. It’s not like you haven’t done something stupid like that before.”

Chanyeol spluttered, but Kyungsoo was already up and gone, leaving Lu Han and Chanyeol in the corner. Lu Han looked around awkwardly, but the others were already engaged in excited conversation about the party and impromptu holiday. He finally looked back at Chanyeol, who was now wringing his hands and also looking anywhere but at Lu Han.

He was taken aback at Kyungsoo’s bluntness, and feeling bad because Chanyeol probably actually needed more time. Lu Han didn’t want to pressure Chanyeol, even as another part of him desperately wanted to be friendly again. 

Gathering himself, he started to say, “Chanyeol, I—” before Chanyeol reeled him in for a bone-crushing hug. “Mmph,” he said intelligently into Chanyeol’s chest. Totally not reveling in being in Chanyeol’s arms or anything.

It felt so… strangely right, to be here. Junmyeon and Amber hugged him all the time but a hug from Chanyeol was different, was better, was happier. He loved Chanyeol’s hugs. He shook himself before he could continue thinking down that line. _As a friend. That’s not weird, loving someone’s hugs_. But Chanyeol was kind of crushing him a little.

“Kyungsoo’s right. It’s not like I haven’t done asshole things before,” Chanyeol murmured into Lu Han’s ear, making him shiver. Letting go of Lu Han, he continued, “But if we’re going to be friends, don’t do that to me again.”

Lu Han nodded fervently, tears coming to his eyes because he’s just so fucking glad. “I won’t, I’m not going to hide anything big like that again. I hope.”

Chanyeol gently cupped Lu Han’s cheek with one hand, wiping away a tear. “Don’t cry. I’m… I’m sorry that I made you feel so bad, dongsaeng. We should be happy though - let’s go figure out where and when this free dinner is.”

He nodded, not trusting himself with words, and followed Chanyeol. Wordlessly, Lu Han put a hand to the cheek Chanyeol had caressed, trying not to think why it had made him feel so warm inside.

_____________________

Sooman ended up calling in catering from Chipotle to the meeting room, and everyone dug in voraciously. After that, a mass exodus occurred from the office as excited NEMI workers thought of a million ways to spend their long weekend.

He got a text that night from Baekhyun: “leaving 4 ski trip at 6 AM Sat. be reADY or else. no excuses bc tmm is OFF for you lucky bastards.” Lu Han had to chuckle - Baekhyun certainly had a way with texts. _Now that Chanyeol and I have made up, the ski trip this weekend should go fine_. He rolled around in bed, and thought more. _I should… I should make sure we’re good, shouldn’t I? I know Jonginnie said space but… we made up, kinda._

Lu Han shook his head and cleared his thoughts. It was time to sleep, and he settled under the covers for more dreams of Minseok and Chanyeol.

The next time he rolled over, it was morning. _Nine hours_ , he thought dazedly. _Nine hours until I see Minseok_. It felt unreal, it felt incredibly exciting. Or at least it should.

 _So why do I feel so much dread?_ He chalked it up to nerves from not seeing Minseok for so long. But if he was going to see Minseok so soon… _I should really recover my friendship with Chanyeol today_. Jongin’s voice in the back of his head warned him about space, but he dismissed it. “ _He_ hugged _me_ ,” Lu Han plaintively told the ceiling.

“Hurngh?” came the voice from the other bed. 

Hurriedly, Lu Han said, “Ah, nothing. We should get up and get breakfast, Junmyeon.”

When they got downstairs, the other members of El Dorado were already planning a field trip to DC. Amber and Sulli were debating which museum to visit first when Chanyeol interrupted, “Oh, sounds fun but I’m going to stay home today. Need to brush up on guitar.”

Amber stuck out her tongue. “Laame-o. How can you turn down getting drunk and going to museums?” Chanyeol shrugged at her. “Whatever. Xiao Lu, you in?”

Lu Han was putting down his cereal, and glanced not so discreetly at Chanyeol. He didn’t really feel like being social and going to DC, and… this was his chance, he realized. His chance to work on recovering his friendship with Chanyeol. “Uh, I’m actually going to stay too. I’ve got, uh… oh, I’ve got to read some books.”

She looked suspiciously at him. “Books?”

Making his most innocent face at Amber, Lu Han said, “Yes. Those things with paper and words, you know. I’ve been meaning to and now we’ve finally got time.”

Junmyeon patted him on the back. “Ah, you mean that stack of library books gathering dust in the corner of our room? Good luck with that.”

At least his excuse panned out, and Amber let him off the hook. “Fine. We’ll go have fun without you.”

Lu Han laughed. “We’ll be together all weekend for the ski trip,” he reminded her. “Plenty of time to have fun.” 

Sulli pouted at him. “But we want to have fun the whooole weekend. We’ll miss you.” 

“Aw thanks Sulli. I’m touched.” He really was happy at her comment. _Between real friends here and Minseok coming, life is good_ , he decided.

Junmyeon laughed, throwing his dishes into the dishwasher and grabbing a few of the others’ plates as well. “Just don’t burn down the house while we’re gone.”

_____________________

Lu Han really did have a book open in front of him when he heard the cars begin to pull out of the El Dorado driveway. He just wasn’t paying any attention to it, instead looking at the wall that separated his and Chanyeol’s room. Junmyeon wouldn’t be coming back that night, letting him know he’d be staying over at Kris’s, so he had the room to himself.

He shifted in his blankets, adjusting his position against the wall and trying to get comfortable. Though the house was toasty, it was undeniably getting colder outside as October began.

The familiar sounds of a guitar began to filter through the thin walls. Lu Han took a deep breath, and decided to read a chapter before heading over to Chanyeol’s room. That would be enough time, right? To make it look natural.

He so badly wanted to resolve their friendship in time for Minseok to arrive, to show Minseok that he had no loose ends here. Here, he was good.

Lu Han ended up reading three chapters - hey, it was a pretty good book - before snapping it closed and hopping off of the bed. He ignored Jongin’s voice in his head, feebly telling him to give Chanyeol space. Padding to Chanyeol’s door, he cautiously knocked on it and listened carefully. “Come in!” the words faintly came through the door, still accompanied by guitar.

Poking his head inside, Lu Han shyly said, “Hey.”

“Hey yourself.” Chanyeol was sitting on his bed, legs crossed and guitar propped in between them in his arms. The rest of the room was still a mess of half-unpacked boxes and strewn clothes. Lu Han decided not to comment, thinking it an unwise idea.

Then he frowned. “No music sheets?” he inquired, tilting his head at Chanyeol.

The other shrugged. “No need. I either compose ditties to memorize or forget, and I can usually fumble the right melodies for songs I hear. I have pretty good pitch.”

Lu Han made an “ah” of understanding, but didn’t move. Suddenly, Jongin’s voice was getting stronger and convincing him it was a Bad Idea to go talk to Chanyeol now, in his bedroom. But it was too late. Chanyeol took pity and said, “Oh, come in already dongsaeng. I know it’s pretty messy in here but you can pick your way through to the bed.” 

He had to follow through now.

“Uh, sure,” Lu Han said, scratching the back of his neck. He narrowly missed stepping on a seashell, dodged a few textbooks and too-long jeans, just to step on a lego and hiss in pain.

“Haha, whoops,” Chanyeol replied sheepishly as Lu Han made it to safety. “I’d bought that and meant to put it together. I step on it every time too, I should just pick it up.”

“My poor foot and your poor feet deserve better.”

“Maybe so.” Chanyeol shifted so that he was facing Lu Han, and suddenly Lu Han wasn’t so sure he’d made it to _safety_ after all. “Anything you want to sing?”

Staring, really looking at Chanyeol and his soft-looking Rilakkuma print pajamas, Lu Han was suddenly reminded of the first time they’d met, jamming in the living room together. Well, the first proper time they met. The drunk swooning did _not_ count.

It was bittersweet, thinking of how much closer they’d gotten since then. One song had always come to Lu Han’s mind when thinking of Chanyeol, and he absent-mindedly suggested it: “Tian Mi Mi.” He wasn’t expecting Chanyeol to actually know the song, let alone start playing the chords. Though surprised, he quickly recovered in time to start singing along.

_As sweet as honey_  
_your smile is as sweet as honey_  
_Almost like flowers blooming in the spring breeze_

When he finished, a silence fell between them. Lu Han was scared of the feelings rising in him again, furiously thinking _Minseok Minseok Minseok_. 

Chanyeol broke it by clearing his throat, and saying, “It’s a shame you don’t sing as a career. Your voice is gorgeous.” He chose to look at his guitar, brushing an imaginary piece of lint off of it.

Embarrassed, Lu Han waved him off. “Nah. Maybe in another universe.”

“If you say so, dongsaeng.” Chanyeol shifted the guitar again. “Anyway… ready for the ski trip tomorrow? Any plans for today besides reading your book?” He began to strum the guitar again, working on a scale.

“Well, I am picking up… my boyfriend.” Lu Han scrutinized Chanyeol for any signs of discomfort, but found it only in the tightening of Chanyeol’s lips. They were very nice lips.

“Oh?” Chanyeol’s question cut through Lu Han’s strange focus. “What was his name again?”

“Minseok. Kim Minseok.”

“What’s he like?” Chanyeol asked, turning to look at Lu Han. “This mystery man of yours.” 

Lu Han wanted to move the conversation away, somehow. He could tell Chanyeol was beginning to fake his enthusiasm in earnest, gripping his beloved guitar just a little too tightly. Warning bells began to clang but… he thought Chanyeol had said they were okay. “He’s nice. I’m… I’m sure you’ll like him once you meet him.”

Chanyeol chuckled, the sound cold and brittle to Lu Han’s ears. Not at all like his usual, normal laugh. “I guess I’d like to meet him, not sure about—.” He abruptly stopped, fake smile morphing into a grimace. “I’m sorry. I wanted to… I shouldn’t… I can’t.”

“You can’t what?” Lu Han croaked out, but he already guessed from the hurt in Chanyeol’s eyes. He wanted to hear him say it, to voice it, all the same.

“I can’t be with you right now, dongsaeng. I still like you, and this….” He fully turned his back on Lu Han, placing the guitar in the space at the foot of the bed. “This hurts too much. Please go.”

His vision was already watery. “I’m sorry” was all Lu Han could choke out, staring at Chanyeol’s hunched back. He wanted to reach out, to reassure Chanyeol, but his touch would be unwelcome at best. Instead, he retracted his traitorous hand and walked out the door. He had thought it was okay, he had thought _they_ were okay. _I guess Jongin… was right. He needs more time. Fuck._

Outside, he could hear Chanyeol’s sniffling through the door and his heart broke. There was nothing he could do for him, and that somehow hurt even more. Biting his lip, Lu Han glanced at his phone clock.

It was a bit early, but he might as well leave to pick up Minseok from the airport. It was about time anyway, and it would be better for him to leave El Dorado now.

_____________________

On the drive over, Lu Han cleared his mind of Chanyeol. He’d deal with the guilt later, and actually give him space this time like Jongin had suggested. It helped that he ended up getting stuck in traffic, and grumbled his discontent at the world that way. Finally, Lu Han pulled up at the terminal just as Minseok exited the airport with his luggage. He couldn’t believe his eyes, and glanced at his car clock to verify - 5 PM on the dot.

Punctual as usual, and also perfectly, effortlessly gorgeous as usual.

Throwing the car in park, he called out, “Minseok! Over here!” and jumped out. Minseok had a moment to spare before Lu Han pounced on him, laughing and crying all at once.

“Whoa there, tiger. Nice to see you too,” Minseok laughed, dropping his suitcase to wrap his arms around Lu Han.

A parade of emotions stampeded their way through Lu Han at being enveloped in that familiar fresh laundry scent. He buried his face into Minseok’s neck, making Minseok shiver and run his hands up and down Lu Han’s back. He finally gasped out, “I missed you so fucking much.”

The embrace faltered for a hot second, but strengthened almost immediately afterwards. Lu Han thought he might have imagined it, and the thought disappeared as Minseok whisper-shouted, “Missed you too.”

Slowly, reluctantly, Lu Han pulled away because they were in a very public place. Plus, he wanted to leave the airport. “Here, let me grab your luggage. Let’s get you to my place.”

Minseok caught his arm and swung him around to kiss him. Lu Han gasped and Minseok quickly deepened the kiss. When they parted, Lu Han dazedly heard Minseok say, “For the road. Let’s get going, Luhannie.” He dumbly nodded and did as told.

_____________________

Luckily, the traffic on the way back had cleared, and Lu Han had Minseok at his workplace in no time. He gave a brief driving tour. “Here’s the office - all the buildings with the red roofs are offices. And then… here are the plots of forest we do our work in.”

“Very… foresty,” Minseok remarked sweetly. “You must like it here, it’s a good place for your major.” 

“Haha, definitely.” Lu Han took them on one of the side dirt roads, and swung by one of the towers. “And this is one of the towers that collect environmental data. Glad I don’t have to go up there.”

“Yeah, not much has changed right? No heights for Luhannie!” 

_Except when Chanyeol helped_ , his brain unhelpfully provided. _Shut up_ , he thought to himself. Out loud, he said, “Yeah, you got that right. And _this_ is El Dorado. Home sweet home.”

He could see the haunted-house-vibe Minseok must be seeing, the impressive size of the house and the sheer age to it. It had been so long ago since he first arrived here, feeling lost and overwhelmed. So much had changed. “...impressive,” Minseok said, finding his voice.

Lu Han smiled fondly. “It is indeed. I have six housemates, so it’s usually quite lively. Most people are out right now, though.” He exited the car and walked over to Minseok’s side, pulling open the door and flourishing a gallant bow. “Come on, I’ll show you around.” 

Minseok took Lu Han’s hand and brought him in for a light kiss. “I can’t wait.”

Inside, Lu Han continued in his best tour guide voice. “Over here you shall see the kitchen with the three refrigerators. The freezers mostly contain vodka though.”

“Nice,” Minseok chuckled, opening one to verify. “Plus some ice cream, I see.” 

“Always available for sharing. I love my housemates. Next, here’s the dining room. The table can be converted into a makeshift ping pong table. I have yet to hone my skills.”

Minseok ran a finger along the wood and grimaced. “It’s a little sticky.” 

Lu Han frowned. “Well, I guess. We play pong, that might be why. Just like our college days, four months ago.”

“Maybe we played a little with the soccer team, but… Luhannie, don’t you think we’re a little old for that now?”

He really didn’t want to go into this and Minseok seemed poised to continue his line of questioning. So instead of answering, he distracted Minseok by steering him into the next room. “Anyway, this is the living room, we’ve got a few couches and a TV in here. And upstairs, we’ve got the bedrooms. Let’s bring your luggage upstairs.” 

“Uh, okay.” Sufficiently distracted, Minseok went to grab his suitcase but Lu Han took it instead. 

“Race you up the steps,” he laughed, and Minseok chased him up the stairs. 

At the top of the landing of the second floor, Lu Han put the suitcase down and pointed up. “Upstairs is Chen and now Hoseok’s bedrooms. This one,” he pointed at the bedroom on the left, “belongs to Amber and Sulli, this one,” pointing at the middle one, “is mine and Junmyeon’s, and the one to the right is Chanyeol’s. The bathroom is down the hall.”

Minseok excused himself to the bathroom as Lu Han moved his suitcase to his room. When Minseok came back, Lu Han gestured around. “Here it is, my humble abode,” he murmured, half proud but half searching for Minseok’s approval as his… boyfriend looked around.

Here, Minseok didn’t disappoint. “Wow, Luhannie, this is sweet. All this for just the two of you?”

“And it’s _free_.”

“Niiice. My NYC studio apartment is probably the size of this room and costs a few _thousand_ a month. This must be a perk of living in the middle of nowhere.” Minseok noticed his suitcase and dragged it over to the side. “Don’t want you tripping on it,” he told Lu Han, who felt torn between feeling taken care of and feeling a little stifled. _What’s wrong with me?_ he chastised himself.

He let Minseok walk around the room, examining their setup. Junmyeon had maps of the world around the room, and Lu Han had contributed little to the decor besides a little calendar with an upside-down Fortune character - a gift from his parents. Lu Han fidgeted before finally venturing to say, “Let’s go out to dinner in town, and I’ll show you around?” 

Minseok turned to look at him, smiling, and said, “Okay. My treat, though.” 

“No,” Lu Han protested, “it should really be on me.” Minseok walked towards Lu Han, and he closed his eyes for the kiss he knew was coming.

This one was slow and unhurried, and used to steal Lu Han’s breath every time. But this time, he pulled away and continued to insist, “You can’t distract me with… with that. We should at least go Dutch.”

He led the way out of the room, and almost ran into Chanyeol. It was deja vu when those steady hands wrapped around Lu Han’s shoulders, making him relax when he didn’t realize he was being tense. “Welp. Sorry, didn’t see you there.”

“No problem, dongsaeng. You should watch where you’re going though.”

Minseok laughed and the two were jolted out of their headspace. “Thanks for catching him, Luhannie’s a little clumsy. I’m Minseok, and you are?” He reached out a hand.

Lu Han caught his cue. “This is Chanyeol, my coworker and next door roommate. Chanyeol, this is my boyfriend, Minseok.”

Chanyeol accepted Minseok’s proffered hand, shaking firmly. “Nice to meet you, Minseok.” To anyone else, the smile on Chanyeol’s face would have looked normal. Lu Han knew him better than that, and the guilt returned. “I, uh, can’t say I’ve heard a lot about you but looking forward to… being on the trip with you.” The guilt was replaced by a surprise dread. _What?_

“Oh?” Minseok replied, and glanced at Lu Han. “You didn’t tell them about me?” Lu Han wasn’t sure how to interpret the strange tone of Minseok’s voice.

“Well, it was….” He couldn’t very well say it was because of their pact. He chose instead to say, “...because I wanted them to meet you for themselves.” That was close enough. He could see Chanyeol looking at him suspiciously, but Minseok didn’t seem to notice.

“Aw, that… that’s sweet, Luhannie.” He brought Lu Han in for a quick peck. Lu Han could swear he could feel the air turning frigid, even though El Dorado itself was nice and toasty. He could see Chanyeol in the corner of his eye, wanting to be anywhere but here.

He saved them all by saying, “Of course… anyway, I’m starving, let’s head out shall we? See you later, Chanyeol.” Lu Han took Minseok’s hand and firmly led him away, refusing to look back and see what hurt expression Chanyeol was wearing now.

_____________________

Minseok did end up paying for dinner. “I’m in finance and you’re a starving scientist. I’m doing good in the world with this,” he teased Lu Han, who had to relent.

“If you put it that way, how can I say no?” Lu Han replied lightly. He was happy and full, since dinner had gone so much better than the rest of the day leading up to it. They’d fallen into old times, discussing this and that event and studiously ignoring the four-month hole in their relationship. 

Lu Han learned that Minseok had pursued finance after all, and was a rapidly rising star in his company back in NYC. He talked excitedly of numbers and ratios. Lu Han was disappointed that Minseok ended up caving in to his parent’s expectations, but that was Minseok. Never one to disappoint. 

He brought Minseok back to El Dorado after dinner. The house was quiet for a Friday, most of its residents still out for the night. 

Minseok walked over to Lu Han’s bed and plopped himself on it. Lu Han bit back an instinctive protest. He frowned at his reaction. He had always preferred no one on his bed, but Minseok had long been an exception. 

What was getting into him?

Lu Han pushed away the uncomfortable feelings and clambered on the bed next to Minseok. Minseok’s arm snaked around Lu Han’s shoulders and pulled him closer. Lu Han froze and then forced himself to relax into Minseok’s embrace.

Before Minseok could go any further, Lu Han cleared his throat and asked, “Well, how have your past few months been?” It was time to address that, wasn’t it? They’d danced around it enough for a whole dinner.

Minseok, who had been drawing closer to Lu Han, blinked and leaned back. “Um,” he said, clearly not expecting to make conversation. “It was, ha, pretty uneventful.”

A few moments passed. The silence hung between them, heavy and just a little unbearable.

“Uneventful, huh?” Lu Han finally choked out. “That’s… that’s nice to hear.”

“Lu. Look at me.” He refused, instead looking at the blue checkered sheets underneath him. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to kiss Minseok. He wanted to never see Minseok again. 

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. 

A hand tipped Lu Han’s face up, making Lu Han’s eyes meet Minseok’s. “Talk to me.”

“About what.” Lu Han’s voice was flat. “About how much I’ve fucking missed you, about the hell I’ve gone through, about—” 

Minseok’s lips sealed his, moving deftly against Lu Han’s. Lu Han moaned helplessly. Minseok took the opportunity to lick his way into Lu Han’s mouth, swirling and sucking. 

It was Lu Han who broke the kiss, panting. Eyes dark, he locked eyes with Minseok. 

“Fuck me.”

_____________________

Lu Han wasn’t sure how to feel about the fact that they had fallen right into bed, just like old times. Minseok had been an attentive lover as always, fucking into Lu Han slowly and deliberately.

It was nice to fall asleep in Minseok’s arms, but a bothersome nightmare woke him up. He’d thought maybe they’d go away with Minseok being here, but he guessed Minseok’s presence wouldn’t actually ease his guilt over Chanyeol. _Don’t think about it_ , he thought to himself, and quickly forgot the dream of Chanyeol shutting down into himself and faking his smiles. 

Instead, he carefully picked his way out of the bed, shimmying into low hanging sweatpants. The clock beside his bed read “5 AM.” _Might as well make some coffee and get ready for the trip ahead_ , he thought. They _were_ leaving at 6 AM, after all.

Stretching his arms over his head, he yawned and made himself walk downstairs to the kitchen. Opening a cupboard, he selected his cheap Folger’s and mindlessly measured enough for two cups, getting the machine ready.

“Fun night, huh?” Lu Han startled at the low voice, not expecting someone to be awake already. Especially the someone who was addressing him right now, as if right out of his nightmares. He swallowed and locked eyes with Chanyeol.

“Yeah, I guess. Catching up.” Why wouldn’t Chanyeol look at him? Unless—

Oh. Oh yeah.

Chanyeol’s room was adjacent to Lu Han’s.

“He is my boyfriend, you know,” Lu Han continued, defiant and immediately realizing the tactlessness of his response. Chanyeol merely gave him a sad smile, punching a hole in Lu Han’s heart.

“Oh, trust me, I know. How could I forget?” he replied, and left the kitchen. Lu Han hated feeling guilty but also feeling like he shouldn’t feel guilty. It took Lu Han a few minutes to realize that Chanyeol had left without actually doing anything in the kitchen. 

_It’s really not my business_ , thought Lu Han as the coffeemaker beeped at him. 

“Yeah, yeah,” he told the machine out loud, and poured out two cups. He brought them upstairs, looked sadly at Chanyeol’s closed door, and then went in his room, shutting the door.

They’d see each other soon enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment c: and let me know your thoughts!!  
> Lu Han singing Tian Mi Mi for real is [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QEQN6Btr40) haha I love this song.


	11. Ski Trip Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after a dry spell, I'm BACK!

Returning to his room with two steaming cups of coffee, Lu Han slowly nudged the door open with his foot. He pushed the awkward run-in with Chanyeol out of his mind, focusing on the man stirring in his bed. “Coffee?” came the groggy voice, and Lu Han laughed. 

He made sure to close the door behind him before gliding over, careful not to spill on his carpet. “Good morning to you too,” he said in a teasing voice as he set Minseok’s coffee on the nightstand. Taking a deep sip of his own, he sighed at the warmth. “We’re heading out in an hour, thought you’d like a pick-me-up.” 

“Thanks,” Minseok replied, turning over in bed to grab the coffee. “Delicious,” he mumbled as he turned on his phone and began checking messages. 

A few minutes passed in silence before Minseok let out a frustrated sound. “What’s up?” Lu Han asked.

“Do you know the wifi password? My signal sucks in here.”

Lu Han laughed, realizing he’d gotten used to another quirk of working at NEMI. “Right, you wouldn’t know. We don’t have wifi here.”

Minseok’s mouth fell open. “How do you live? I constantly have to check my work mail and stuff,” he said, glancing uneasily at his phone now. Lu Han shrugged.

“I don’t actually have to do anything on the weekend, and if anything breaks it can wait until Monday. And my friends pretty much all live here or come by here.” The conversation halted again as Lu Han watched Minseok furiously type. He shifted from foot to foot, feeling impatient. _Why didn't Minseok want to talk more? Too early in the morning? But he's got plenty of energy for his phone…._

So he was probably just thinking too much. Reluctantly, he pulled up his own phone to notice a text from Sehun. 

oohsehunnie: hyung we need to talk  
oohsehunnie: call me  
luhanistheman: uhh sure today’s the ski trip but I think I’ll have time. 

Lu Han frowned at his phone. Sehun usually used emojis and textspeak; this was unusually coherent for him. But he shrugged, thinking _Sehun’ll tell me later_ and put his phone away. 

As Lu Han drank the last dregs of his coffee, his boyfriend finally put his phone down and stretched, yawning. “I think I packed well for a ski trip. Haven't gone skiing since the last time, can't wait.”

“Yeah, it's been almost a year, huh?” he replied, putting his now empty cup down and kissing Minseok. “I've you to thank for my skills.” Lu Han straightened and waggled his eyebrows at Minseok, who laughed. 

It was Minseok who taught Lu Han how to ski, coaching him and taking him to slope after slope. Minseok had held his hand on the terrifying ramps, and coached Lu Han on simply focusing on the path ahead, not the bottom. That way he could get around his fear of heights. Yixing had been just a little ticked at how little time Lu Han had spent with the rest of the team, seeing as it had been a group trip. Oops?

Still grinning, Minseok wrapped a hand around Lu Han’s wrist and pulled him in again for a deeper kiss. He dragged a moan out of Lu Han when he deepened the kiss and tugged on Lu Han’s hair. 

From Chanyeol's room, Lu Han heard some shuffling and broke the kiss. Self-consciously fixing his own hair, he sighed, “We should really get going. We agreed to meet at 6ish.”

Minseok slowly eyed Lu Han, making him shiver from the heat in his gaze, and then nodded. “Okay. But before we go, I have something for you.”

Lu Han tilted his head in confusion as Minseok rummaged in his luggage and pulled out a small box. “Close your eyes and hold out your hand,” Minseok continued, and Lu Han obeyed. A tender touch to his hand and something small dropped into his palm. He gasped in excitement, eyes flying open to the welcome sight of the deer charm earring. For a moment he was too overcome by emotion to move, and scrambled to put it on when it passed. Then Lu Han flung himself at Minseok, dragging him closer for even deeper kisses. 

A bang from the other room shook Lu Han back to his senses, and he drew back, panting. “Thank you,” he said simply. _For keeping the promise. For still loving me._

 _For coming back._

Minseok’s face held a soft, tender expression as he reached out a hand and brushed the side of Lu Han’s face. “No, thank you. You showed me you’d stay true to me.”

He nodded, and remembered the time again. “I… I'm going to be right back. Brushing my teeth.” Lu Han said and quickly walked out before he could forget that they had to leave. He looked in the mirror and took inventory. Tousled hair, swollen lips, and a few hickeys greeted him. _Nothing I can do about those hickeys_ , but Lu Han straightened his hair. Looking at himself, he gingerly touched the earring again. 

_Finally, I’m his again._

Back in the room, they finished packing - or rather, Minseok helped Lu Han pack since Minseok was still pretty much packed. 

When the two finally entered the common room, it was exactly 6 am and they were the first ones there. Shrugging, Lu Han threw his pack down as he sat on the couch. “They’ll be here soon,” he said, and at that moment the porch door slammed open. Minseok jumped a little before squeezing Lu Han’s hand. 

“Fuck!” he heard someone—probably Amber—yell outside, “Hopefully it’s not broken!”

“Amber, you’re almost through the field season, don’t break anything in El Dorado,” Junmyeon said in his gently chiding way as he entered the living room. “Hi Xiao Lu, and you must be the boyfriend.”

Minseok got up to shake Junmyeon’s outstretched hand. “Guilty as charged,” he said, flashing his gummy smile at Junmyeon. “I’m Minseok.”

“Junmyeon, nice to meet you. Excuse us for being late, we just got back from the city,” Junmyeon said before he got plowed over by Amber, Sulli, and Chen all at once. “Oof.”

“Mooooom introduce us,” Sulli whined at Junmyeon, who rolled his eyes. Lu Han saw Minseok’s wide eyes and squeezed his hand reassuringly. The El Dorado crew’s enthusiasm could be overwhelming at first. 

“I can do that,” Lu Han said instead, “after you get off of our poor mother.” Pouting, all three got up and Junmyeon wheezed in relief. “This is Minseok. Minseok, that’s Amber, Sulli, and Chen from left to right. They work as field technicians.”

They all chorused a hello but Amber and Sulli quickly dismissed themselves. Smiling, Chen turned to Minseok and asked, “So what do you do?”

While Chen talked to Minseok, Junmyeon sat next to Lu Han and threw a leg over Lu Han’s. “Hey, just wanted to let you know that we’ve already decided on how to split up the cars. Amber and Sulli just went to grab Chanyeol, and they’ll go pick up Baek and Soo. Kris is already waiting for you, me, your boyfriend, and Chen.”

Lu Han swallowed. He knew they were looking out for him and Chanyeol at the same time, and was grateful. “Thanks. That makes the drive a hell lot less awkward.”

“You bet,” Junmyeon chuckled, but then said, “but you were still an asshole to Chanyeol. Don’t hurt him any more, Xiao Lu.”

“I…” Lu Han’s voice trailed off, wanting to calm the swirl of ugly emotions inside before he talked again. “I’ll try not to. I don’t mean to, Junmyeon, please believe me.” _Chanyeol will understand I’m Minseok’s, and we… we’ll be friends again._

Junmyeon moved his leg back, and turned to hug Lu Han. “I know you don’t mean to.”

“Hey, hey, hey, he’s my boyfriend,” Minseok interrupted them, plopping himself on Lu Han’s lap. Lu Han didn’t know what to think, simply blinking from shock. _He did this when you guys were on the soccer team._ But at the time it hadn’t seemed all that bad. But this time seemed… still not that bad, but a bit rude.

He shook off the feeling, making himself laugh to defuse the situation. Junmyeon at least might be feeling weird, and he wanted to reassure him somehow. “Don’t worry, Minseok, we know that.”

At that moment, Chanyeol walked in and his mouth visibly tightened at the sight of Minseok in Lu Han’s lap. He tore his gaze away and Lu Han tensed, looking down at Minseok’s shoulder. _Focus on what’s important_ , he thought, and buried his face into it.

“I wanted to let you know I’m heading out now. See you all there.” 

Lu Han couldn’t explain why he felt hurt at the curt reply when it wasn’t even unfriendly. _Is it because he didn’t even acknowledge my existence after this morning?_ Lu Han thought with a pang, but shook his head. _No, I should concentrate on Minseok_ , and hugged the man in his arms. The right man. _It’s probably because Chanyeol’s tired or something._

Minseok patted Lu Han’s hands where they were clasped on his stomach. “We should probably get going, if you’ll ever let me go,” Minseok joked.

“Never again!” Lu Han declared, but let Minseok stand up and pull him into a proper embrace.

Behind them, Junmyeon grumbled, “Let’s get going then, Kris is waiting.”

_____________________

The car ride began quietly, Kris and Junmyeon murmuring in the front seat. Minseok sat in between Chen and Lu Han in the back, fingers flying over his phone now that they’d returned to an area with service.

Lu Han let his hand rest on Minseok’s thigh, a trait of his that Minseok had always enjoyed - the constant need for physical affection. He tried not to think about how Chanyeol liked it too, but how Chanyeol was more openly cuddly where Minseok was more private with his affections.

But. _Lu Han, it does no one good to compare them_ , Lu Han chided himself. He turned to Minseok, wanting to start the conversation. Not because he wanted to talk to Minseok per se, but because he wanted Minseok to be friends with his coworkers. Studying Minseok’s concentrated face, he cleared his throat. Minseok didn't hear him, as engrossed with his phone as he had been that morning. Lu Han opened his mouth but closed it, not sure how to even begin having everyone interact. He began to feel frustrated. Even stroking Minseok’s thigh only got him a single pat on his hand before Minseok returned to his phone.

It was Chen who broke the silence. “Hyung, do you like your work?” _Thank God for you Chen_ , Lu Han thought, gratefully smiling at him.

Minseok looked up from his phone and blinked out of his concentration. “Ah-ha, sorry about that. I can never get away from work emails. I’m not sure people actually like high frequency trading but I guess I’m okay with it.”

“Um, so why do it?” Chen replied. Minseok shrugged.

“The hours are killer but at least I make a lot of money. I’ll retire early and be a high school teacher or something.” Lu Han felt relieved. At least Minseok hadn’t given up entirely on his dreams. 

“I’m glad you still want to be a teacher, Minseok,” Lu Han says, leaning his head on Minseok’s shoulder. He didn’t say it, but he also meant that Minseok had stayed true to what he’d wanted before their break.

“Me too. Sometimes with my parents you have to make small sacrifices to get what you really want.” He had a feeling Minseok was talking about more than just his job, but wasn’t sure what he was referring to. 

Kris interrupted with, “But how do you justify the means to an end?” and the car began a heated debate about the pros and cons of working in the finance industry.

Lu Han lapsed into silence, letting the conversation flow around him. Mission accomplished, he got them talking. And it looked like at least Kris and Chen were warming up to him, and even Junmyeon began talking. Maybe his time would be better spent asleep, Minseok looked like he was holding his own quite well. Lu Han yawned and settled his head on Minseok’s shoulder.

An hour and a half later, it was Minseok’s hand on Lu Han’s thigh that shook him awake. Come on, sleepyhead. We’re here,” he said, smiling.

Woozily, Lu Han smiled back and gave him a quick peck on the lips. “Not my fault finance bores me,” he replied, “but I try extra hard for you.” 

Something in Minseok’s expression falls, but before Lu Han can decipher it, the emotion is gone. “I love you anyway,” he said instead, and gave Lu Han a little shove. “Let’s get going, now, everyone else is out of the car.”

Lu Han opened the car door to see Junmyeon tucked comfortably into Kris’s side. Junmyeon pouted, “It’s cold here!” 

Laughing, Lu Han jumped out and shivered too. “I didn’t say anything,” he said teasingly, and went to grab his suitcase from the back. Kris had already pulled out their stuff and was herding a reluctant Junmyeon with promises of a warm cottage.

Pinpointing his suitcase, Lu Han made to drag it out. He’d forgotten how heavy it was, and staggered under the weight. Suddenly, a large, hand on his lower back steadied him. Without looking, he knew who it was. _Goddamn, Chanyeol and his timing_. Lu Han could feel his ears burning with—embarrassment? Pleasure?

“I could’ve handled that myself, thank you very much,” he muttered instead at the gravel road. _What am I saying?_

Chanyeol sighed. “Geez. You’re welcome!” he replied, ignoring Lu Han’s sulky remark, and bounded away to Baekhyun and Kyungsoo. Lu Han glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, watching him pick a yelping Baekhyun up and over his shoulder and run into the cottage. If he didn’t know better, something like jealousy just seared through his chest.

A smaller but more possessive hand settled on his ass. “Let’s go inside, Lu. It’s cold outside.” Lu Han blinked, turning into Minseok’s arms and looking into familiar eyes. He nodded.

The “mountainside cottage” they had rented for the weekend looked cozy from the outside, and did not disappoint on the inside. The center had a lounge-like area with bright yellow couches set around a cute warped wood coffee table. Here Baekhyun and Chanyeol were wrestling, or something. Behind it was a fully-equipped kitchen, albeit small. To the left were three sets of bedrooms, and to the right were two sets of bedrooms and two bathrooms. Perfect for ten people each sharing a double. 

Kyungsoo was already unloading a shit-ton of groceries into the kitchen, cramming the refrigerator full. “We’re eating healthy this weekend,” he announced as he shoved what looked like five bundles of celery into the fridge. Even if it was all healthy, Kyungsoo would somehow make it yummy.

“Kyungsoo, need any help?” Lu Han called from the doorway, Minseok right behind him. They both took off their shoes at the entrance. 

“Nah, go unpack. Baek, stop fooling around with Chanyeol and come help me.”

“I’m not fooling around, I was viciously attacked!” Baekhyun protested but untangled himself from Chanyeol. Now that Chanyeol was free, he studiously avoided Lu Han’s glance and walked into his room, one on the right. 

Biting his lip, Lu Han navigated the two of them into the leftmost room, which held two twin beds, a desk, and a chair. They pushed the two beds together for more storage, hearing similar scraping noises from some of the other rooms. Minseok whipped out a laptop from his luggage and booted it up, taking over the desk. “Gotta make sure I’m in the loop, I’ll join you in a bit,” he told Lu Han, a little apologetic.

Lu Han pouted slightly. “Can’t it wait?” he asked as he pulled on his ski pants and jacket, but immediately regretted it when Minseok shot him a look. 

“Finances wait for no one. I said I’d join in a bit.”

He immediately backtracked, zipping up and saying, “Sorry, okay. I’ll yell for you when we’re leaving,” and walked back out into the lounge.

Outside, Amber hug-tackled him and Lu Han let out an “oof.” He felt like a puffball with all of his winter clothes on.

“Sorry, couldn’t resist,” she cackled, letting him go and swinging him around. “You look ready. Where’s the boyfriend?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be for the cold,” Lu Han smiled, and then shrugged. “He’s doing some work stuff, he’ll be out soon.” He eyed her T-shirt and jeans. “The question is, are you ready to go?”

Sulli approached and hugged Amber from behind with puffy pink ski jacket arms. “She’s not ready at all,” she complained, “but she likes the cold cuz she’s from Canada. Come get ready.” With this, Sulli crabwalked Amber back into their shared room, Lu Han smiling at their antics.

Behind him, he heard someone knock over a lamp, and turned around to look at the source of the sound. Chanyeol’s room. Before he could talk himself out of it, he automatically ran into that room. “Everything okay?” Lu Han asked, right before he saw Chanyeol, hand over lips, eyes wide, and hunched awkwardly over a lamp. 

“Everything’s, um, fine.” Lu Han had to laugh. He’d forgotten how clumsy Chanyeol could be. Chanyeol hesitantly laughed too. “Not my fault it was in a dangerous—”

“Chanyeol, did you break something already?” Chen interrupted, putting a hand to his forehead. “Seriously, I step out of the room for like twenty seconds.” Lu Han simply smiled, watching the exchange.

“It’s not broken,” Chanyeol pouted at Chen, and turned the lamp on. “Look, it still works.” _Cute._

“Phew,” Junmyeon came in the room, tracing the commotion. “I thought you’d broken something before we even got to go skiing. Speaking of which, can we go now?”

Lu Han snapped out of whatever trance he’d fallen in, staring at Chanyeol, and said, “Yeah I’ve been waiting ages. Let’s go!” He returned to his room and Minseok was wearing his ski gear, finishing up a last email.

Closing it with a flourish, he smiled at Lu Han. “Good timing,” Minseok said, kissing Lu Han and taking his hand to join the group outside.

It was a quick drive over to the skiing area, and Lu Han’s chest buzzed with excitement. Today’s weather was gorgeous - crisp and sunny, just like the first time he’d gone skiing with Minseok. That first time, Minseok held his hand up the ski lifts, coaching him in a soothing voice, “Eyes on me, not below, Luhannie.” Kissing was quite fun on those lifts. 

Minseok would always wait for him at every bend in the path, Lu Han preferring to come to a hard stop after every small part of the slope. He wouldn’t let him feel bad about that, saying, “Luhannie if you’re having fun, I’m having fun. We’re making memories together.” Lu Han had been incredibly touched, so touched that he pushed Minseok into a snowbank. When Minseok came up spluttering, Lu Han kissed him, laughing. Minseok ended up laughing too before pushing Lu Han into the snow.

This time though, he wanted to prove to Minseok that he’d grown, that he could do this by himself. That he’d learned from the first experience. They held hands on the first lift up, but Lu Han risked a glance at the forest below. He immediately looked back up at Minseok, trembling, but proud of himself.

But Minseok was on his phone. Lu Han was disappointed, and looked back, feeling even more bold. From the ski lift behind, Chanyeol flashed him a smile and a thumbs up, mouthing, “You’re doing great!” Chen waved and made the whole lift shake, causing Chanyeol to yelp and grip the safety bars. Smiling, Lu Han flashed them a thumbs up and returned to looking forward.

At the top of the bunny slope, Amber challenged him, “You, me, race!” Lu Han’s mouth went dry. _I’ve never gone straight down before_.

He shook his head, “Maybe next time.”

Chanyeol, overhearing, added, “He’s afraid of heights so it’s probably a no-go.” Lu Han clenched his jaw, thinking, _You don’t know me_. 

Next to him, Minseok nodded. “Agreed with Chanyeol, let’s be safe.” 

_Both of them are definitely looking down on me_ , he thought grumpily and strapped on his skis. It was difficult to stay angry while waddling, but he thought he managed a pretty defiant waddle to Amber. “You’re on. Fuck them,” he declared, flipping on his goggles, and they started, ignoring the protests coming from behind him. His stomach rolled as he started on a diagonal as Minseok had taught him, but kept his gaze focused on her figure. _Just follow, and then beat her at the last second._

Instincts from last time kicked in at the first turn of the zigzag to slow down, but Lu Han forced himself to keep going, following Amber. Lu Han zipped past Amber, feeling victorious before realizing that he didn’t have someone to focus on, and they still had half the hill to go. His heart beat in his ears and it felt like time slowed down as he panicked and braced himself for something bad, something terrible to happen. Suddenly, a figure skied past him.

It was Chanyeol, zooming down expertly, crouched over his knees and ski poles tucked under his armpits. Lu Han quickly focused on Chanyeol as he maintained a steady speed, and breathed a sigh of relief when they both slowed down at the same time, reaching the bottom of the hill.

Whooping, he turned and caught Amber in his arms as she barrelled into him. He hugged her tightly, shaking, and she ran calming hands over his back, murmuring, “I knew you had it in you.”

“Haha, I’m still shaking from the adrenaline,” he said, releasing her and brushing snow off of himself. 

“You didn’t have to if you didn’t want to,” Amber said, punching him in the shoulder. “I hope you know that.”

He nodded, and jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder, flailing out with his arm at the person. It was Chanyeol he ended up karate-chopping in the neck. “Ow, sorry for startling you,” Chanyeol said, wincing. 

“No, no I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hit you.”

Chanyeol waved him off. “I probably deserved that, a bit. I didn’t mean to say that you couldn’t. I just wanted to give you an out.”

“...thanks,” Lu Han said. He understood Chanyeol meant well, as did Minseok. That was why Chanyeol raced ahead of him, in case Lu Han needed him. Would Minseok ever admit like Chanyeol that he made a mistake? _I think he would, maybe._

Speaking of, Minseok skied over to them. “That was pretty foolhardy, Luhannie,” he said while Amber and Chanyeol started talking about something random. Lu Han listened with half an ear, laughing a little when he realized they were talking about the dangers of yellow snow, of all things. “Are you listening?”

Snapping back to Minseok, Lu Han looked down. “Sorry,” he said, but he didn’t really mean it. He wasn’t even sure who he was saying it to, why he was saying it, but it felt like the only response that made sense. “Let’s go back up?”

“Fine,” Minseok grunted, and they all walked to the ski lift. Now that Minseok was here, he could think about the other implications of it being October. That meant he had one month left with most of the temporary technicians. He’d forgotten that temporary meant that they’d actually leave.

And Amber was one of those. He pressed closer to Amber’s side, and declared, “We’re going on the lift together.” Luckily along the way, Chen and Junmyeon had joined them, and Minseok and Chanyeol could go with different people.

He glanced only a bit at Minseok’s look of slight betrayal before getting on the lift with Amber. _I know I only have a bit of time with Minseok, but we’ll be together from now on. I won’t have that kind of time with Amber, or Sulli, or any of the others._

He never sat with Chanyeol, but was keenly aware of him on the slopes. Though Chanyeol looked like he was joking around and relaxing, he always stayed in Lu Han’s vision. He knew, more than the others, how scared Lu Han was of heights, and having Chanyeol there gave him the confidence to go on harder slopes. 

Minseok was excited to go along, having been limited to bunny slopes with Lu Han, but got quieter and quieter as Lu Han sat with other people in the lifts, and strayed farther from him on the slopes.

They finally took a break for lunch around noon, with Kyungsoo complaining about his poor knees. While the others deposited their stuff in the break area, Minseok pulled Lu Han aside. “Can we talk?” he asked softly, and Lu Han nodded.

“Yes, of course, what’s up?” Lu Han asked, feeling dread pool in his stomach. That was the tone Minseok usually used before he had his “talks” with Lu Han.

“You’ve forgotten what I told you about clinginess, Luhannie.” Minseok’s tone was gently chiding, as it always was when he gave advice.

Of course, memories flooded in of Minseok warning Lu Han about leaning too heavily on Yixing, Sehun, and Jongin. Warning that they would never understand, and talking to them more than Minseok wouldn’t be what improved Lu Han. He lowered his head in shame, feeling the earring bob. “I’m sorry, it’s been a while,” he murmured, but looked up earnestly. “But they like… they like being with me.”

Minseok was already shaking his head. “They’re too nice to tell you you’re being a burden,” he explained, drawing Lu Han in for a hug. “Stick closer to me, Luhannie.”

Minseok had always been a better judge of people. “I will, Minseok, I’m sorry.” Lu Han could feel the familiar blankness in his mind, telling him this was _right_. A rebellious voice that hadn’t been there before said, _No, he’s wrong they don’t think that way_ , but he quashed it. 

“Good, Luhannie. This break was worth it after all,” Minseok said with a touch of relief. “The advice might have worn off a bit but you’re still the same.” Something about that bothered Lu Han, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. _I’m… I’m not the same though. Am I?_

Lu Han buried his face into Minseok’s shoulder and nodded, rather than responding out loud. Minseok wrapped his arms around Lu Han, rocking them both in a now comfortable silence.

_____________________

They rejoined the group for lunch. Kyungsoo had cooked up a storm, ordering around his peons with ease to prepare food for ten. Lunch was quickly plated on the coffee table.

He barely tasted the food, paying more attention to Minseok. Lu Han proudly watched as Minseok fielded the questions of the broader group, and even Amber begrudgingly had a look of respect for him by the end.

After lunch, Minseok retreated to his phone again in their room, citing important work emails. Lu Han sat by his side, also on his phone, to keep Minseok company. Suddenly, his phone buzzed with an incoming call. 

Puzzled, he remembered Sehun’s strangely insistent messages from the morning and picked up. “Hello?”

A surprised yelp, and Sehun recovered, saying, “Hyung! I wasn’t expecting you to—well, pick up.”

“I can’t talk too much, but what’s up?”

“I’m here too!” another voice chimed in.

“Yixing?” Lu Han asked, surprised. Minseok perked up at the name and moved closer.

“Yep, we were both home and found out something that we needed to tell you. Also, you stood us up last week so figured might as well call you at the same time.”

“Is that… Yixing and Sehun?” Minseok asked, loud enough for the others to hear on the call, and Lu Han’s stomach dropped to the floor.

 _Shit, I haven’t—_. “Is that…” Sehun said before trailing off into a shocked silence. 

Lu Han quickly stood up and tried not to panic too much, trying to figure out what the hell to do. First, he needed to get out, feeling like the walls of the cottage were constricting in on him. “Um, yeah it’s them, I’m going to go out and, um, talk to them now. See you later.” 

He bolted from the room, only barely pausing to grab the red snapback and light jacket he’d hung on the wall earlier. As if in a daze, he hurled himself past an intense card game in the lounge area, waving their greetings off and throwing himself out the door. 

When he finally left the cottage, he took a deep breath of the cold air. The sun shone through the trees, a warm touch, while the breeze helped clear his mind a little. Putting the phone back to his ear, Lu Han asked, “You guys… still there?”

“Fucking hell, Lu.” That was Yixing. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“What the hell is he doing there? Is he harassing—no, you sounded like you were willingly with him. But—,” Sehun cut off again, making a frustrated noise. Lu Han frantically looked around and saw a sign explaining “Trails -> 50 m,” and went in that direction. _Maybe if I let them talk for a bit they’ll cool off_ , he hoped as he struggled to put on the jacket. _Fuck._

A few moments of silence passed before Yixing finally burst out, “Just answer one of our fucking questions, Lu Han!”

“It’s a long story,” he said. Lu Han knew it was feeble, even for him. 

Sehun laughed, but it was an awful, hollow sound that made Lu Han’s chest tighten. “Please. We’ve got time. You’re the one who said you didn’t have time.”

“Well… let’s just say we never broke up. We were on a break, a four month break.” He let that sit in as he found the trailhead and started on the well-marked path. A cold gust of wind hit, and he shivered, pulling the snapback on more firmly and drawing his jacket in, feeling even worse. “And now,” he continued after more silence, “we’re back together. I guess.”

“You guess.” Yixing’s voice was flat. “You’re back together with the guy who made you come crying to us _multiple_ times and, not just that, you lied to us that you’d broken up with him. Did I get that right?”

Lu Han’s chest tightened. “Actually, I never told you that I’d broken up with him per se,” he said but knew it was the wrong thing to say right away, hunching his shoulders to brace for impact.

“Well fuck that,” Yixing hissed. “Same thing. I feel so fucking disrespected. Does our friendship mean nothing to you?”

“What the fuck,” Lu Han snapped, “Of course it means something to me. You’re my best friends.” He paused to take a breath, trying to think of what the right thing would be to say. “It just didn’t feel right to tell you, it was between him and me and I couldn’t have you dissuading me.”

“You couldn’t,” Yixing said brokenly, in a watery voice. In the background, Sehun made a pained noise. Lu Han imagined Sehun was hugging Yixing, and desperately wished he’d done things differently. Wished he could’ve told him. _But I couldn’t have, they would have stopped me._

“Don’t tell me you wouldn’t have stopped me,” Lu Han whispered, closing his eyes and turning his face up, willing himself not to cry. He could feel his already fragile support network crumbling in front of him, and it was all his fault. 

“Would that have been so bad, Lu Han hyung?” Sehun said, almost pleadingly. How could he ask that? Sehun had always been a bastion of support, why couldn’t he understand this?

“Of _course_ , he’s the one I lo—.”

“Don’t. Just, don’t,” Yixing interrupted, and Lu Han suddenly felt angry. Angrier than he’d ever felt before at Yixing, because enough was enough. They needed to stop questioning his choices.

“No, this is an argument we’ve had before. I’ve made my choices, and I intend to keep them, just because you guys are my friends doesn’t mean you get to tell me what to do.” He hated how petulant he sounded but it was true. But, fuck, did it have to come out that way? His main goal was to not have Yixing crying, and his only alternative was to make him mad.

And hoo-fucking-ray, Lu Han knew how to make Yixing mad. “That’s it. I’ve had enough of your _mrngh_. I’ve never told you to do something that wasn’t good for you and I’ve had enough of you making terrible awful decisions. We’ve over! This friendship, if it was a friendship, is over.”

“Hyung, no,” Lu Han heard Sehun say in the background, but there was no stopping Yixing now. Deep inside, Lu Han wasn’t surprised. He’d always known Yixing, with his high standards, would probably be the first to leave him, and it was finally happening.

“No no, Sehun. This has to be done. Lu Han, why him? There are so many other guys in the world, why are you trying to glue yourself to a bastard like him?”

“I’ve said this already!” Lu Han yelled into the phone, “Because he loves me!” He was glad he was away from the cottage, far away so no one could hear his yelling. He didn’t need to burden his coworkers too. “And plus our relationship’s better than ever now! He’s finally back with me, and I proved that I love him!”

“I’m not even going to bother asking what you mean by proving. Congratu-fucking-lations, it _totally_ must’ve been worth it. Did he tell you about the nice girl he’s been fucking during your so-called break? I hope you two have a good messed up life. Don’t call me crying when he breaks you again, Lu Han.”

_____________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and what an ending. I'm back to posting more regularly, stay tuned!!! Comments appreciated as always <3 but may not respond to them as this week is going to be superrr busy yikes


	12. Ski Trip Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The call leaves Lu Han reeling in shock.

Lu Han numbly stared at the phone in his hand. He had so many questions. But Yixing had hung up already, and there… there was no reason to call him back. He can’t. He wanted to cry but it was too cold and he ached too much. It felt like there was a hole in his chest. _Yixing_ … he missed him already, missed him so badly and he couldn’t believe that they weren’t… friends. Because how else could he interpret how that call had ended?

_I keep saying that I can’t throw away these two years with Minseok, but if I use that logic on my four years with Yixing…. No. I can’t think that way._

Slowly, he put the phone in his pocket and looked up at the sign in front of him. He sighed. _Would it be too dramatic to say I’ve come to a crossroads in my life and in reality?_ he thought, and laughed a little at the dramatic thought. The laugh fell flat. He wasn’t sure if he had much laughter in him at the moment.

He didn’t… no, he couldn’t believe Minseok was cheating on him. That was preposterous. Minseok loved him.

Yet… Yixing had never lied to him. Had it been a few hours ago, Lu Han would’ve said he trusted Yixing with his life. Except when it came to Minseok. 

He shook his head to clear it. No use in thinking in circles now. Focusing back on the crossroads sign in front of him, he read that it was right to go back to the Mountainside Cottage, forward to Skiing and other cottages, and left to the Lake. _Pretty simple. It’d be too much like a Korean drama if I got lost here of all places_. It was, after all, a tourist destination. The paths were straightforward.

It looked like there was only one real option, anyway. He turned left, taking care not to slip on the suddenly rocky path. The concentration helped keep his mind off of his life issues. When the path leveled off, he breathed a sigh of relief and glanced up to see the lake.

Someone else was there already. Lu Han froze, but stumbled on a rock. It was a tall figure, and turned around at the sound.

Kris. Lu Han breathed a sigh of relief. 

_I wish Yixing and Sehun were here so I could’ve talked it through to them. What a horrible conversation to have over phone._

“Hey, you’re not skiing?” he made himself ask, and then realized he hadn’t seen Kris all day after unpacking.

Kris shook his head. “Not my thing. I wouldn’t even be here if not for Jun, he absolutely loves it.” He chuckled. “He’d get mad if I didn’t come along and cuddle him at night.”

Lu Han huffed out a laugh. “I could totally see that. He’s less uptight when you’re around.” He shoved the conversation out of his mind. He didn’t want to think about his… ex-best friends or their revelations about his boyfriend. If he thought about it, he would have to decide whether they were wrong or whether he should question Minseok. And he wasn’t ready to do either.

“Don’t let him hear you say that,” Kris laughed.

He stood for a moment before hesitantly asking, “Do you mind if… I hang out with you for a bit? I don’t feel like skiing either at the moment.”

The other shrugged. “Sure, go for it. I’m just looking at the lake.” He folded his legs under him to sit, and patted the dirt next to him. Without sparing a thought for his jeans, Lu Han plopped himself down next to Kris and shivered a bit. He was still only wearing a jacket and a snapback. The cold helped him numb his feelings, and he sunk into himself, watching the lake and just feeling sad.

Kris coughed to get Lu Han’s attention, offering a long arm. “Since you’re here,” he said, shrugging, “I’m just now realizing it’s kind of cold.”

 _Is everyone cuddly around here?_ “Uh, okay.” Lu Han didn’t really know Kris, but… _I guess I could use some platonic cuddling, at least out here._ He was moving to go under Kris’s arm before he knew it, sighing into the warmth. “You’re,” Lu Han paused to sniff, eyes suddenly watery, “you’re like a furnace.”

_I can’t have Yixing comfort me any more._

His chuckle reverberated around Lu Han’s body. “Jun says that too. You don’t need to answer, but why aren’t you skiing? You looked like you were having fun earlier.”

Embarrassed, Lu Han wiped his tears away with his sleeve, trying not to draw attention to it. “U-um. I’ll take you up on that offer not to answer.”

Kris nodded, and said, “Okay. You know what crosses my mind when I look at a lake?”

“What?” Kris’s arm is really very warm.

“Art.” A laugh burst out of Lu Han. “What?”

“Nothing, that was just really random.” 

Kris shifted, bringing Lu Han closer to him. His voice was serious when he replied, “It’s not random. We’re at a lake. I’m telling you my reason for being here.”

“So like, drawing the lake? Or is the lake art?” Lu Han couldn’t help the bantering tone in his voice.

“Drawing the lake. I’m an artist, not a bullshit critic.”

“And what exactly would you draw the lake with?” The talk turned to drawing techniques and Kris’s grand plans for his art. It wasn’t talk Lu Han was particularly interested in, but it was enough to distract him for the moment. 

The conversation eventually settled into a comfortable silence as they both became immersed in the waves lapping at the edge of the lake. _I really want to talk about what’s going on_ , Lu Han thought, _but I don’t know him that well…_. He wished he could talk to Chanyeol, but dismissed that thought as soon as it came up. _Not possible._

Kris interrupted his silent monologue. “What d’you suppose the others are up to now? Still skiing?”

Lu Han shrugged. “Well, Chanyeol’s probably whipped out his GoPro to video people falling,” he chuckled, thinking of Junmyeon’s spectacular and rather embarrassing slide. “You missed out.” 

“I did catch Jun falling, that was pretty great.”

“Hey, um,” Lu Han started, and faltered, wondering what exactly he wanted to say.

“Hm?” At that moment a particularly cold blast of wind made them both shiver. “Why don’t you tell me when we’re back at the cottage? It’s getting really cold, even for art.”

Lu Han rolled his eyes, but he missed Kris’s warmth as soon as he drew away. _The others are probably still skiing, the cottage might be the best place to be right now_. He let Kris pull him up and followed him back, picking their way carefully along the rocky path.

They were back at the cottage in no time. The lights were off, a good indication that no one was back from skiing yet. Lu Han checked his watch. A good three hours before dark, the others would probably ski until then to get their money’s worth. Kris started up the heating and took off his heavy winter clothes. “Sure is nice to feel human again.”

A ghost of a shiver went through Lu Han’s body. “Definitely. Especially since I wasn’t dressed for that.” He sank into a couch, and Kris sat next to him, carelessly throwing his limbs down.

“If you don’t mind, I don’t mind the cuddling,” Kris said, arching an eyebrow and holding an arm behind Lu Han. A fleeting thought crossed Lu Han’s mind. _Chanyeol_. He corrected himself. _Shit, I mean Minseok_.

“I… now that we’re back at the cottage, there’s no need,” Lu Han said, awkward. “And besides, wouldn’t… Junmyeon…?” 

Kris shrugged, leaning back into the couch and stretching out his long legs. “Jun doesn’t mind, and if he did we’d probably have bigger problems. But okay, don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” Lu Han let that sink in for a moment, musing over it.

“If, say… you had a friend who didn’t approve of Junmyeon, what would you do?”

He turned to Lu Han, cocking his head. “Funny you should say that. One of my friends, Tao, didn’t want me dating Jun at first.”

Lu Han widened his eyes in shock. “Really? Why?”

He chuckled. “At the time Jun was just a temp, and Tao didn’t want me to get too attached to someone who probably wouldn’t stay. He also assumed that Jun was a rich spoiled brat.”

“Junmyeon?” Lu Han couldn’t believe anyone could think sweet Junmyeon would be the sort of player this Tao had made him out to be. 

“Haha, exactly. Well, Junmyeon does come from money, but he’s totally not. Making them meet cleared things up. Tao came around eventually.”

“Oh,” Lu Han said disappointedly. _Not like my situation at all. But…._ “What if Tao still didn’t like Junmyeon? Would you have… broken up with Junmyeon?”

Kris debated this for a moment. “I guess it depends on why Tao didn’t like Jun. If Tao gave solid reasons, I probably would confront Jun.”

 _I’m going to ignore the fact that if Minseok really was cheating on me, that would definitely qualify as a “solid” reason._ “And if he didn’t? Give solid reasons, that is,” Lu Han pressed further, leaning forward. _Based on how much Yixing and Sehun don’t like him, it could just be a rumor they latched onto._

“If it didn’t, it would still be important to me that Tao liked Jun, or at least accepted him. If he couldn’t….” He shrugged. “I would really try to have a talk with Tao. Understand where he’s coming from.”

 _I… I think I did that with Sehun and Yixing. But I guess… I never actually tried to understand them._ “Wouldn’t you be more defensive if Tao disliked Junmyeon for no good reason? Like, why should he interfere in your life?”

“Interfere, that’s a charged word.” Kris shifted on the couch, throwing a leg over the other. “I wouldn’t say Tao was interfering. I trust that Tao’s looking out for me.” 

_As Yixing, Sehun, and Jongin are definitely looking out for me. Still._ “Even so. Your choice is your choice, and Tao should live with it.”

“You are so protective of my rights, Lu Han, I’d almost think this was personal,” Kris chuckled. When Lu Han stiffened, he said, “But I won’t press you on that. Anyway, if Tao had a bad feeling about Jun, I know I’d find myself feeling more vigilant around Jun. He knows me better than I know myself, and I absolutely trust he loves and cares for me.”

That struck a chord with Lu Han. Both Yixing and Sehun knew Lu Han better than he knew himself. But… so did Minseok. Minseok always knew what was best for him, and _Minseok_ was best for him. Yixing and Sehun didn’t seem to think so.

Those two facts clashed in Lu Han’s mind. He thanked Kris for their discussion and excused himself to his room. He had to be alone with his thoughts for a bit.

Out of all his friends, it was… Sehun he’d say was the one who knew him best. Lu Han had met Yixing first and Yixing often mothered him. But that was exactly it. In that role they could never be equal. But Sehun saying he shouldn’t be with Minseok. Has Lu Han never given Sehun a chance? 

He moved to sit at the desk before realizing Minseok had completely taken it over. Lu Han didn’t want to disturb any of Minseok’s stuff, so he sat on the bed instead. Suddenly, his phone buzzed in his pocket. He had no idea who could possibly be calling him now, but pulled it out to look anyway.

His heart flopped with shock. His hands trembled so badly that he nearly missed picking up the call. “Sehun,” Lu Han breathed, eyes welling with tears. _This fucking timing._

“Hyung,” Sehun said, sounding small and hesitant. “I… I didn’t feel good about the way we left off.”

“Tell me about it,” he said shakily. “Sehun… I’m sorry.”

“For what, hyung?” Lu Han couldn’t tell what Sehun’s feeling right now. _But he called back, that’s a good thing right?_

He swallowed. “I’m sorry for… for not telling you. And Yixing.” He’s not sorry for being with Minseok, so that would be a lie… right?

“Yeah, but you didn’t. So here we are.”

“What I do about… Yixing? And… you?” Lu Han whispered. _Are you still my friend?_

The other man sighed. “Nothing, for now. He’s gotta cool off for a bit. Me?” A pause. “I don’t know, hyung. I called back because I wanted to… I don’t know. You betrayed my trust, too, hyung. Shouldn’t I be mad like Yixing hyung?” His voice was low, hurt, and Lu Han was an idiot.

“Please don’t be, Sehun, I don’t think I could handle you being mad too.” He’s crying now, hiccuping in small sobs.

Sehun sounded like he was starting to cry too. “You’re better than this, hyung. I know it. But I hate feeling so helpless.”

“You don’t have to feel helpless,” Lu Han sniffled. “I don’t need your help. I just want you to accept my relationship.”

“I tried.” Sehun’s voice was exasperated. “I don’t know if I’ve told you this before but every single time I saw you with him in this past year I got so angry.”

“Why?” Lu Han asked. “No, you di… dn’t tell me.” Had he? Or had Lu Han just refused to listen? How much time had he really spent with Sehun senior year, before he and Minseok had gone on his break? Sehun, who he claimed was his best friend. 

Actually, he had probably spent more time with Sehun on Skype in the four months of his break with Minseok than the entirety of the two years he’d been with Minseok. Lu Han felt shocked. How had he not noticed?

“Hyung,” Sehun continued, “I was angry because he wouldn’t even let us have our usual hangout time with you. While you were with us he’d guilt trip you into leaving to ‘study’ with him.” He laughed bitterly. “I think your grades definitely improved but what a bullshit reason. You’re smart enough without so much so-called studying.”

“Sehun, we… we really did study. That was good for me, I needed to focus.”

“Bull. Shit. That last month when Minseok ditched you, you barely studied. You passed all your exams with flying colors anyway. Fuck you for being so good at school.”

“Whatever. That doesn’t even matter anymore. Anyway, why do you think Minseok’s cheating on me?” Lu Han suddenly said, changing the subject. He couldn’t win on the studying front, time to change tactics.

“Excuse me?”

“What proof do you have?” 

“I… I met her, hyung.” _What?_ Apparently Lu Han had said it out loud, because Sehun responded, “Yeah. It was quite the coincidence. I’d gone out to dinner with some friends and they’d invited a few others.”

Lu Han frowned. “You probably didn’t like that very much.” He knew Sehun disliked large crowds.

“Yeah, it wasn’t great. But we ended up sitting next to each other and she’s nice enough. She told me where she was working… same company as Minseok. Then… she also mentioned going on dates with someone from work.” 

“Well… that could just be a coincidence.” _Yeah, it can’t be true._

“Then I peeked over her shoulder when she opened her phone and guess who was her lock screen background?”

“ _No_ ,” he whispered in disbelief. 

“So yeah. You can choose to believe me or not.”

Stunned, hard about what Kris had said. That he trusted his friend was looking out for him, that his friend loved and cared for him. And right now, Sehun sounded ready to give up on doing that for him. After Yixing had done so already.

He couldn’t have that happen, and he’s finally… finally thinking that Minseok might not be that good for him after all. “Sehun… thanks for telling me that.” Had he ever even thanked Sehun for being there for him? 

“What?” _Guess not._

“I said thank you. I… appreciate that. I appreciate you,” he said, hoping that it would get through. 

There was hope in Sehun’s voice when he said, “I never thought I’d hear you say that. Not when it came to… him.”

Lu Han fell silent, biting back any defensive replies that came to his head. He tried, “Sehun, I didn’t because you and Yixing both never respected my decision to be with him.”

“I can’t speak for Yixing right now but I really did try to like him,” Sehun said. “Yixing and I would talk about this at length. But he’s not a good guy, hyung.”

He swallowed. “He loves and helps me, that makes him good. The maybe cheating is something new, that never happened before.”

“Oh, hyung. No.” Sehun sounded sad. “The cheating is just the shittiest icing on top of the shittiest cake that is your boyfriend. Let’s bring it back to the studying thing. Don’t think I didn’t notice you changed the subject.”

Lu Han squirmed. “Well, because… fuck that. We’re not studying any more, why does it matter?”

“Well, you’re completely missing the damn point. Hyung, are you going to let him take friend after friend from you? I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already doing it with the coworkers that you love so much.”

Lu Han opened his mouth to protest, but closed it. He _had_ thought he might be burdening his coworkers, and he hadn’t thought like that for months. Slowly, he felt like he might be encroaching on some larger understanding. “I… I don’t get why you’re saying it’s him. It’s me being insecure,” he said, being obtuse on purpose. Lu Han wanted Sehun to tell it to him straight, tell him what he should do.

Instead, Sehun sighed again. “You’re so close. So close. But I can’t tell you what to do. You’ve made that painfully clear.”

“Ouch.” It was true though. It had been Lu Han who’d insisted Sehun was telling him what to do. “But I’m asking now, isn’t that enough?”

“Is it enough for you?” 

Lu Han paused to think about it. Was it enough for him? “No, I guess I… will talk to Minseok.”

Sehun took a breath. “Talk, you say,” he said, sounding defeated. “Sure. And about what?”

“I can’t… I can’t promise you any more than that, Sehun. But I’ll for sure talk to him. About the cheating thing and about the friend thing.”

“...okay. Fine. I’ll support you if you do that. I do need to go, though. I need to go check in on Yixing hyung. ...good luck, hyung.”

“Thanks,” Lu Han said, but Sehun had already hung up. He collapsed onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. He’d said it, but he really meant the thinking part more than the doing. _I don’t… want to break up with him. But I can’t break Sehun’s logic. And logically that means I should do it, because he’s not good for me. But I don’t want to._

He turned to his side, looking at the view of pine trees outside the cabin window. _I can and I will talk to him. It’s probably just a big misunderstanding. I can’t just throw away two years of loving and being loved by Minseok. Then I can--_.

His line of thought was interrupted by commotion outside his room, what sounded like the door slamming open and voices shouting. Lu Han scrambled to his feet, running to his door and freezing there.

He recognized those voices.

_Minseok. And Chanyeol._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm Sehun, lol. So close!! Planning on maybe 3-4 more chapters, thank you SO MUCH if you've stayed with this story and my poor Lu Han for so long, AND thank you to all the new readers who are speeding through to catch up. I too am looking to the fluff I can write when we've reached the end. But not quite there. As some of you may know, getting over this kind of relationship... is a hard road. I hadn't expected it to evolve into such a friend-based story but it makes sense that it does. 
> 
> This American Thanksgiving, I'm grateful to all the friends I have and for all the lovely readers. :)


	13. Ski Trip Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It sounds like someone's fighting in the lounge area.

Lu Han paused at the door, just barely able to make out what they were saying on the other side. Something in him told him to wait, to hear out what was going on. 

“...he is not fucking _yours_ to own!” That was Chanyeol. Lu Han blinked, taken aback by the ferocity in that voice. The disagreement must have started before they got to the cottage, or maybe… Chanyeol had just been brooding for that long.

“Hey—” He heard Minseok interject but he was in turn interrupted by Chanyeol.

“And second, fuck you for making Lu Han think he’s not worth loving. Everyone is worth loving! What the _fuck_ is this proving love bullshit?”

He widened his eyes before the vague memories hit him. At the camping trip, he had maybe said something to that effect when tipsy. _He remembered that?_ Lu Han marveled, but snapped back to the present.

“Get your hands _off_ of me.” A scrape of wood against wood and a thump. “Luhannie had a… history, let’s call it. He’s abandoned others before.”

“Abandoned? No way.” Chanyeol sounded uncertain, and Lu Han felt a stab of betrayal. _Not you too._

Minseok ignored Chanyeol and continued, “So I needed him to show his dedication to me. To prove he wouldn’t do to me what he’s done to others.” Lu Han’s shivered at the annoyance in Minseok’s voice. _He’ll think it’s my fault that Chanyeol thinks this way._

“No, what—why would you even _think_ that? He’s one of the most genuine people I know.”

“If he were so _genuine_ ,” Minseok said genuine like it was the best joke he’d ever heard, “wouldn’t he have told you about me?” Lu Han softly gasped. It felt like a punch to his stomach, and Chanyeol sounded the same, gasping out loud. Minseok snorted. “That’s what I thought. You know, it’s cute he didn’t tell you, or anyone else. He must really care about me. What does that say about how genuine he is with you?” Lu Han sits down, shocked at the tone of vague amusement in Minseok’s voice. _Cute?_

Chanyeol made a frustrated sound and Lu Han heard the wall being banged. “No, he… he may not have been totally honest with me but I think he did try to tell me. I didn’t, I couldn’t listen because I was too blind. I didn’t ask the right questions.” _Oh Chanyeol. How can you possibly blame yourself in this situation? I… I was…._

Minseok scoffed. “Oh, please. You’re too nice. He’d never fall for that. Luhannie likes someone who can tell him what to do.” Lu Han suddenly felt angry. _That’s not… true_. He paused, and bit his lip. _Wasn’t it?_

_I’m supposed to be on Minseok’s side_ , he chided himself. _Why is Chanyeol yelling at Minseok, anyway? What the fuck?_

“No he fucking doesn’t, what kind of a sick bastard are—”

“Hey, hey hey, hold on, what’s going on here?” Kris. Lu Han had forgotten he was still in the house. 

“Let go of me Kris!” _I’ve got to do something._

“No, you’ve obviously got to calm down.”

“Thanks for that, Kris. Chanyeol’s got a lot on his mind, it seems. Is he always this emotional?” Chanyeol snarled and Kris made some grunts of effort. 

_This is getting ridiculous_ , Lu Han thought and finally got up. _I can fight my own fucking fights_. He slammed open the door to see Chanyeol fighting to punch Minseok. Minseok looked at Lu Han, still amused. “Going to protect me?” he asked before Lu Han gripped his wrist and led them into their room. He ignored Kris and Chanyeol as he passed by them, though he saw in his peripheral vision Kris doing something similar to Chanyeol. “Or having your way with me?”

Lu Han slammed the door shut. “I think we need to talk,” he said, facing Minseok.

“Aren’t we already?” Minseok replied, eyebrow raised. He derisively flung off Lu Han’s grip and Lu Han shivered, bravado leeching away. _No, no I need that!_

He stammered, “Y-yeah. About… things.” About Minseok maybe cheating, about them. Lu Han found he couldn’t bring himself to say it - Minseok’s presence suddenly made him remember all over again why he wanted to be with him. Was he willing to throw away their two years of good memories, and how good Minseok was to him?

But still, if Minseok really was good to him… he’d be open to talking, surely? And hearing what Lu Han had to say? But what did he want to say?

Minseok cocked his head as Lu Han struggled to think about how to start the talk. “Why don’t I go first, Luhannie?” he crooned. Mind whirling, Lu Han nodded. It might be good for Minseok to go ahead, and then he would just respond in turn, naturally leading up to the cheating rumors. “What was that silliness with Chanyeol?”

_Chanyeol?_ The question threw Lu Han off, making him momentarily forget about the possible cheating. _Chanyeol was wrong to make all those assumptions but Minseok was just as wrong in what he had said._ Minseok’s words from before rang in Lu Han’s head: _Calling me ‘cute’ was not okay. And… what the fuck was him saying I needed someone to tell me what to do?_

He looked up, determined to talk about how Minseok was wrong about him, that just because Lu Han looked to Minseok for advice didn’t mean he…. Meeting Minseok’s disappointed eyes, his thought process screeched to a halt. _Oh no, I’ve… I’ve messed up. I’m in the wrong_. “I… I’m sorry,” he found himself whispering. 

“This is what happens when you burden others. They try to understand but they never will, Luhannie. You heard how wrong that Chanyeol was.” Mutely, Lu Han nodded again. _He’s right_. Minseok brought him in for a kiss. “Good. Now I’ve got to go take a shower. Wait for me.” 

His heart thudded as Minseok gathered his things and walked out of the room, letting the door swing shut behind him. He heard no further commotion - Kris had probably taken Chanyeol out of the living room.

Lu Han’s shoulders slumped and he sat on the bed. _I don’t deserve to talk to him, he’s right. Chanyeol doesn’t understand… us_. He glanced at his phone, seeing a message from Sehun. 

oohsehunnie: you got this

_I… don’t_. His hand itched to call Sehun, to try to explain. _I don’t need to have a talk with Minseok. Minseok gets me._ His finger paused, hovering over the call button. 

_‘I can’t tell you what to do. You’ve made that painfully clear.’_

Right…. _Only I can tell myself what to do. If not Sehun, my bestest friend… Minseok… he shouldn’t either_. Lu Han let out a small breath as he felt the realization dawn on him. 

_‘Luhannie likes someone who can tell him what to do.’_

_That_ was what had him angry and should have him be angrier. Minseok would tell him to forget about it. _Fuck that!_ He shouldn’t… he shouldn’t even be with someone who just told him what to do, who didn’t stay to listen to what he wanted to talk about. That’s not… that’s not what he needed, what he wanted. 

He should want someone who listened to him, who respected him. And… _I know someone who does. He’s been there for me even when he didn’t really know me. And I’ve treated him like shit and somehow he still apologized for telling me what to do out of worry for me._

_Chanyeol…._ His heart ached at how badly he’d hurt Chanyeol. And not just Chanyeol - he’d hurt all of his friends by not trusting them and assuming he was only a burden. He’d only be a burden if he didn’t help in turn. Lu Han realized that in fact, his friends valued not only his help but also him sharing his worries. And in the past few months, he’d felt closer to friends both old and new because he was… free to be with his support network.

Being with Minseok was breaking down that network. He couldn’t have that. He couldn’t lose all of the progress he’d made, all of what he’d learned in these months. Just because it was easy to depend on Minseok again didn’t mean that he loved him. 

Lu Han put his phone down and got up. He didn’t need to call Sehun; Sehun had told him all he needed to know already. He knew what he needed to do, and he needed to do it. And not for Chanyeol. For him. Chanyeol had given him an example of how he really could find someone that both loved and respected him. And though that was important, Lu Han’s decision to…. He made himself think the dreaded words. Break up. 

That decision was his and his alone. 

He walked over to the mirror by the table, to pump up his confidence like some cliche teenage drama movie. Lu Han noticed what he was wearing. The snapback… he realized it was _Chanyeol_ ’s snapback, and Minseok’s earring. 

_No more_. Lu Han pulled off the snapback and gently put it on the bed behind him. The earring, he took out and clenched in his fist. _I don’t need them right now. Especially not the earring_. Not if Minseok thought he could control him. 

He faced the door as the doorknob turned, and swung open to reveal Minseok, dressed and toweling his wet hair. His resolve wavered - _do I really want to_ \- before he slammed his fist on the table, thinking, _Yes_.

Minseok jumped, not expecting the fist. “Whoa, what’s up with you?”

“Let’s…” Lu Han started, and paused to take a breath. “Let’s break up.”

He stopped drying his hair to stare at Lu Han. “What?”

“You-you heard me.” Lu Han’s heart was pounding, breath coming faster. He was going to do it, he’d done it already technically. “Let’s break up.”

“You’re being irrational,” Minseok said, resuming his toweling. 

“I’m not,” Lu Han said, amazed by how cold his anger was. _He’s so dismissive when I’m fucking trying to have a serious talk. How about this then?_ “You’re the one fucking someone else.”

He felt vindicated when Minseok froze and dropped the towel. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Lu Han suddenly saw how much of an idiot he had been. “Is she the one you’ve been ‘work emailing’ with?” he asked with sarcastic air quotes. “Wow, you must think I’m a fucking moron.”

“Did you ever stop to consider that, yes, those actually _were_ business emails?” Minseok snapped. So suspiciously angry, Lu Han thought, how pitiful. “Who’s feeding you that lie? I’d never—”

“My real friends told me,” Lu Han shot back. “I’m deciding to trust them. Maybe I was a fucking moron, for _loving_ you. Did you even feel what you said you felt when you told me we needed a break?”

Gripping Lu Han’s shoulders, Minseok pushed Lu Han against the wall. Lu Han flinched, surprised and frightened by the sudden physical violence. _He’s never been like this, have I pushed too far?_ “Of course I did,” he hissed. “I meant everything I felt. _You_ are the one who has no idea about the sacrifices I made for you.”

Lu Han tried to shove Minseok away, but the other was too strong. “Get off,” he said, panicking, but realized it was no use. I should save my strength for when he’s less angry, less focused. He suddenly processed what Minseok had said. “Wait, what the fuck do you mean, sacrifices? Your eventually becoming a teacher thing?”

“Not that, you fucking idiot.” Minseok sneered at Lu Han. “It was my parents who were unsure about your faithfulness. They never wanted to accept the fact that I like boys. They were the ones who thought you had corrupted me.” Lu Han gaped. All this time he had thought… 

“That was a lie then?” 

“Of course. I didn’t think for a second you had ‘corrupted’ me, and never would have thought you would leave me. Guess I was wrong on that.” 

Feelings of frustration welled within Lu Han at his own agony. Had that been all for nothing? Sure, he cared what Minseok’s parents thought but they’d long ago established Minseok’s parents would never accept him. “So why didn’t you just… tell me it was your parents? Aren’t you always saying ‘fuck them’?”

Minseok shook his head. “I said that but I’ve always wanted their acceptance. And they said they would accept you. I wanted that for you, for us… for me.”

He suddenly doubted his decision again, but forced that thought out. _No, I can’t let him cloud my mind because this still doesn’t make sense_. “Then,” Lu Han made his voice flat, trying to empty himself of emotion and remain logical, “let’s go back to this. What did you mean by ‘sacrifices’?”

“I struck a deal with them. I told them I would test your love with a four month break. Meanwhile, my parents would give me all of their suggestions for proper wives for those months. If they hadn’t found a girl I wanted enough to marry, then I could stay with you with my parent’s full approval.”

_What kind of… so when he said he was okay with his parents not approving, that was a lie. Of course… he’d always tried to put them first, as would I, but…._ Lu Han couldn’t even fathom his parents doing that, but he was pretty sure he’d say no if they did. “That's a really fucked up deal, Minseok, I just don’t understand why you even agreed. Clearly they still wouldn’t ‘accept’ me.”

“But it’s the closest I’d get to being able to acceptance from them….” Minseok picked up the towel and flung it into the corner. “Never mind, you wouldn’t understand. Not everyone can have parents that love them despite their sexuality,” he continued bitterly.

“Still. Some things you should say no to,” argued Lu Han. _I shouldn’t be with someone who would do something so fucked up to me just because his parents said so. Someone who would say such fucked up things to excuse his parents’ logic._

“Well, that’s not how my family fucking works. For what it’s worth, I wanted to be with you, I really did.” _Wanted being the keyword_ , Lu Han thought with more than a pinch of saltiness, _Not want, wanted_. “So I agreed to it. Fully intending on being with you until the end.” Here he paused, and his grip tightened. Lu Han whimpered in pain. _Fuck, this is not good. I need out_. Keeping Minseok talking was good, until the others came back and could intervene. Or distract him enough to turn the tables. 

“What changed?” he asked through gritted teeth.

“All of the girls were dumb, falling in ‘love’ when all they wanted was my money. My prospects as a future husband. Except one. Shin Jimin.”

There it was. Minseok admitting he had been cheating. _I should’ve trusted Yixing and Sehun from the beginning_ , Lu Han thought. _Too late for regrets now_. “Why?” That one question held all his pain, all the emotional and physical pain he’d felt in the rollercoaster that was the last twenty-four hours.

“Because,” Minseok said, and finally averted his eyes, looking a little… ashamed? Regretful? “She reminded me of… of you. Of you when we first met, so awkward and cute. And the more I talked with her, the more she reminded me of you. I missed you, but… she was… you, but better.”

Feeling Minseok’s grip weaken, Lu Han immediately pushed him off. “Did you tell her that she looked like a boyfriend you were still technically dating when you fucked her?” He felt no emotion even as he saw Minseok flinch at that statement.

“We never fucked.”

“Oh good, that makes me feel _so_ much better,” he replied sarcastically. 

Minseok looked at him with surprise.

That surprise made Lu Han fucking furious. He advanced on Minseok and jabbed a finger on his chest. “You have hurt me so, so much. Do you even have any idea how many times you broke my heart? How fucking awful I felt when you accused me of _turning_ you?” He let the fury within him grow and fill him with confidence. “Am I supposed to forgive you now that you told me it was all a lie and you were just trying to please your ridiculous parents? Does not fucking her make it all magically better?”

“I-I…” Minseok said, but trailed off.

“Get out.” He felt strong, strong enough to do this, because his friends would support him.

Minseok blinked at Lu Han. “Excuse me?”

A deep breath. “You heard me.”

“...you’re serious, then.”

“Yes, I’m fucking ‘serious.’ Get packed and get the fuck out of my life.”

“No need to get packed,” Minseok said, narrowing his eyes. “Never even had a chance to unpack.” He quickly donned a jacket, neatly but efficiently packed up the rest of his things, and left the room. Lu Han distantly heard the cottage door slamming for umpteenth time that day.

_I… I did the thing_. He made himself move to the edge of the bed by the pillows and sat down heavily. _I cannot believe I did that. I can’t believe he actually left._ Opening his fist, Lu Han realized he was still holding the earring, and that he’d gripped it so hard it left an imprint on his palm. His heart sunk.

_What have I done?_

_____________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And YAY LU HAN YOU DID IT I'M SO PROUD WOW this was hard to write. Shoutout to my beta Joyce who, despite not being in the fandom, talked with me at the unholy hour of 1 AM to 2 AM to try to figure out Lu Han's breakthrough moment. I think we did okay.
> 
> Thanks for sticking along with the story up to this point ;u; it's almost done. I'm planning 2-3 more chapters and on finishing by the end of the year. Let's do this!!! Comments and kudos much loved and appreciated <3


	14. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lu Han felt a little lost after Minseok stormed out.

Distantly, Lu Han heard the laughter coming from the lounge area. _The others must have returned_. He couldn’t get himself to move just yet, and he wasn’t sure how long it had been since… since _he_ ’d left.

He turned over the earring in his hand. The deer charm had left a mark in his hand from when he had clenched his fist tightly over it. Lu Han’s not sure how to feel about it. Should he throw it out? Burn it? _Though metal probably doesn’t burn very well…_.

A knock on the door startled him, making him drop the earring. He instinctively lunged for it before forcing himself to stop and sit back on the bed. Staring at the deer charm like it could jump up and bite him at any moment, Lu Han said, “Yes?” He was surprised to find his voice was scratchy, and even more surprised to find out he was crying. _Though, that shouldn’t be a surprise. I know I’m kind of a crybaby._

“Hey, can I come in?” Kyungsoo’s voice was hesitant. 

Lu Han’s was not. “Please do.” His voice cracked. Kyungsoo opened the door, looking around before swinging it shut behind him. When his eyes found Lu Han, he made a sad sound and immediately went over to hug Lu Han.

“What happened? Where’d your boyfriend go? Sulli said she saw him leaving,” Kyungsoo asked softly, standing next to the bed and cradling Lu Han’s head to his chest.

“I told him… I told him to get out. We…” Lu Han’s voice trailed off before he found the strength to continue, “we’re no longer together.”

“Oh.” They sat there in silence before Kyungsoo said, “I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I know you really liked him.”

Lu Han sniffled. “It had to be done.” He could hear the shuffling around outside and realized it must be dinnertime. “You can go back out there if you need to,” he added feebly.

“They can manage on their own,” replied Kyungsoo, carding his fingers through Lu Han’s hair. _That feels nice_. It reminded him of his platonic cuddling with Sehun, and he noted he should tell Sehun. When he was ready. “Besides, Chanyeol can cook as well as I can.”

He blinked, letting this information sink in. “There anything he can’t do?” he asked, half-joking and half-serious. _Like, damn._

“He has too many feelings and he likes to meddle too much,” Kyungsoo bluntly stated. He paused before drily adding, “And you know from firsthand experience how terrible he is with technology.”

Lu Han laughed, relaxing. “I do have that over him.” They stayed for a while in a companionable silence. Lu Han wasn’t sure how much time passed, but he tried not to think about anything. Kyungsoo ended up sitting down on the bed and let Lu Han lean into him. 

Traitorously, his stomach let out a growl. Kyungsoo chuckled and Lu Han turned his face into Kyungsoo’s neck, embarrassed. “I guess even if I’m sad, I’m hungry,” he groaned.

Kyungsoo gently pushed Lu Han off. “I’ll go check on dinner. I know I said it’ll be fine… you’ll be okay for a bit? I can send in someone else if you’d like?”

Considering it, Lu Han decided it would be better for someone to be with him and nodded. _I shouldn’t be alone right now. I mean, I can be, but it’ll be nicer to have company_. Kyungsoo made to get up and Lu Han caught his sleeve. “Anyone… besides Chanyeol.” _Kyungsoo probably knows, but just to make sure…._

“Okay.”

A couple of the others came to check in on him, and Baekhyun stayed to eat dinner with him. He was reluctant to leave but Lu Han insisted, “I’ll be fine. I think I should have some time alone.” Lu Han tried to smile, but it was a pale imitation of his normal one.

Baekhyun didn’t look convinced. “If you say so,” he finally said, taking Lu Han’s plate and stacking on his own. “Just holler if you need anything.”

Lu Han breathed a sigh of relief when Baekhyun left. He was truly grateful that his friends cared so much for him, but there was only so much coddling he could take. Falling back on the bed, he stared listlessly at the whorls in the ceiling. What now? He sure as hell wasn’t going to ski tomorrow. 

He felt a little guilty for having messed up the trip. He’s sure that the others would ski anyway but they’d be worried about him. If only there was a way he could reassure them.

Speaking of reassuring… he pulled out his phone and sighed. He should do it as soon as possible. Finding Sehun’s number, he called him. It went to voicemail, and Lu Han was relieved. “Hey Sehun, it’s me. I…” he swallowed before saying, “I broke up with him.” He ended the voicemail and burrowed his way into his blankets. 

Lu Han hated himself for noticing that it smelled faintly of Minseok. He ended up having to push the beds apart and curl up on the side Minseok hadn’t been on.

_____________________

His ringtone woke him up. Lu Han’s heart jumped when he saw who it was. _Yixing_. He fumbled to pick it up. “Hello?”

“Sehun said you’d called and… Lu Han, did you really?” His drowsy mind scrambled to figure out how to respond. _Oh. That brat_. But he’s glad Sehun did that.

“Yeah,” Lu Han whispered, and began to tear up. “I’m so sorry, Xing. Will you be my friend again?” There was silence on the line and Lu Han’s heart plummeted. “Xing?”

“I’m still here,” said Yixing, “and the answer is yes.” Lu Han exhaled in relief. “Just don’t ever do that, ever again.”

“I won’t, and the breakup will stay a breakup this time,” he promised. Now they were calmer, Lu Han gave Yixing the details about what had happened. How the past four months had helped him grow, and what had unfolded during the past day or so.

“I have noticed that you’ve become better at the friend thing,” Yixing commented. “I’m glad you went there, Lu Han.”

“Me too.”

“So… you know you should wait before doing anything with Chanyeol, right?”

Lu Han started. “Where did that come from?” he replied, disgruntled. 

Chuckling, Yixing simply said, “I just want you to know that you need time to recover, okay? And that you should probably talk to Chanyeol about it.”

He sighed. “Okay, mom,” replied Lu Han, and changed the subject. They chatted a while longer about how the past week had gone. He liked hearing about the random little details of Yixing’s life and it seemed Yixing liked his as well too. When they finally hung up, Sehun called almost immediately after. That’s how Lu Han knew the brat had been listening in.

“Proud of yourself?” Lu Han asked, sighing. It set a dangerous precedent for him to be too grateful, so he pretended to be more disgruntled than he was.

“Very. But you should probably sleep, hyung. Love ya, byeee.” With that, Sehun hung up. Lu Han tossed aside his phone and thought, _Thank goodness. Thank goodness they both still want to be my friend, after everything._

How could he have let Minseok convince him that he didn’t need Yixing and Sehun? Didn’t need any of his friends? Lu Han felt furious at himself again. _Stupid, stupid_ , he berated himself, tangling and untangling his legs in the sheets. But he stopped, realizing that if he started on all the things he’d gotten wrong he’d never stop. 

Sighing, he checked the time - 2 AM - and realized he was pretty thirsty. Seeing as he wasn’t going back to sleep any time soon, he slowly got up, stretching and yawning. The earring on the floor caught his eye. Shaking his head, he bent down and decisively threw it in the trash. Then he turned his doorknob and walked through the lounge as quietly as he could. Retrieving a glass, he slowly filled it from the tap.

Lu Han almost dropped the glass in the sink when he heard another door opening. Turning the water off, he spun to see a frozen Chanyeol at the door of the common bathroom. Cheeks pinking, Chanyeol padded over. “I didn’t wake you up, did I?”

“Hi,” Lu Han replied softly, smiling and ignoring the ache in his chest as he looked at an adorably sleepy Chanyeol. How silly, Chanyeol knew his room was literally the farthest from the bathroom. But he answered anyway. “No, you didn’t.” They stood there in silence as Lu Han sipped at his water. “Aren’t your feet cold?” he finally said, taking pity on Chanyeol.

“Feet? Oh,” Chanyeol said, looking at his feet and wiggling his toes, “Nah. I walk around barefoot all the time.”

“Uncivilized,” he teased over his cup of water. “My mom would always yell at me if I walked around without slippers, let alone socks.”

Chanyeol chuckled. “Sounds like your typical Asian mother. Mine isn’t exactly acknowledging me enough to yell at me, so….” He fell silent and for the second time that day, Lu Han was reminded how lucky he was with his parents.

“I’m sorry,” he said, feeling a little guilty. 

Chanyeol waved his apology away. “Nah. Not your fault.” Lu Han clutched his glass and stared into it as if willing it to tell him what to say next. _What do I say now…?_ He was saved from continuing when Chanyeol changed the subject. “So… he left? How are you doing?”

It was obvious who he was referring to. Lu Han finished the water and put the glass down. “I’m okay, I guess. As okay as a person can really be after a breakup.” Shuddering, he thought back to Minseok’s fight with Chanyeol. “Um, thanks for trying to tell him off for me. I know you were thinking of me.”

It’s Chanyeol’s turn to look away, scratching his neck with embarrassment. “Uh, no problem. Actually that was,” he winced but continued, “that was more out of my personal anger with him. I was trying to stick up for you but I think I was also just jealous.”

Lu Han moved to touch Chanyeol comfortingly on the shoulder. Instead of being comforted, Chanyeol stiffened. Hurt, Lu Han moved back and realized, _Still not enough space_ and withdrew his arm. “I’m sorry Chanyeol. I’m bad at this.”

The other shook his head. “I’m not much better.” He smiled wanly. “I mean, look at me. I avoided you for a week like an angsty teenager, told you I could be friends with you, and then shoved you out of my room. Then I blew up at you over having sex with your boyfriend, which is perfectly normal, and then yelled at said boyfriend. Erm, ex-boyfriend.”

Rubbing his forehead, Lu Han said, “Well, if you have to put it that way, sure. Anyway, I’m not trying to say which of us was more wrong in what we did.” He shifted his weight. “Just let me thank you, okay? Idiot.”

“Are you thanking me or insulting me?” Chanyeol teased. 

Lu Han rolled his eyes. “I can do both.” He bit his lip. “God.” _I like him so much. So so much._ But…. _I just broke up with Minseok, I’m in no place to be dating anyone else._ Lu Han could feel how broken he felt, how he was just going to make the same mistakes if he got into another relationship now. Even though he knew Chanyeol was better than Minseok… now wasn’t the time. Now was time he needed for himself. 

It occurred to him that this was going to be the best time to tell Chanyeol he needed that space. _Especially_ because he knew he liked Chanyeol.

Looking up and locking eyes with Chanyeol, the earnestness in his expression helped Lu Han take the plunge. “Listen, I… really, really like you. I’ve liked you for a while and I’ve been in denial this whole time.” He chuckled bitterly, remembering how he had definitely led Chanyeol on. Sure, it hadn’t been on purpose but as Jongin said, ignorance was not an excuse. “I’m sorry for not making my situation clearer. That was selfish of me.”

Chanyeol looked conflicted. “Really?” he asked, and frowned. “Why are you telling me this now?”

“Because I want to be completely honest with you.” He paused, worrying at his lip with his teeth. “And I need you to know I can’t act on my feelings right now.”

“Yeah, duh. I don’t…” Chanyeol sighed, “I don’t want to be a rebound. I’ve been there before.”

“And I don’t want to make you one,” Lu Han nodded. “We’ve got to act normal at work, but let’s keep our distance for a while? At least until both of us are ready.”

“Of course,” Chanyeol said immediately. He held out a pinky. “I swear I’ll be perfectly normal at work and that I’ll give you as much space as you need.”

Lu Han laughed. “Really? A pinky swear?” He looped his pinky around Chanyeol’s anyway. “I’ll chew you out just as hard if you use equipment incorrectly again.”

“Deal.”

_____________________

The next day, there was an odd but definite friendliness between Lu Han and Chanyeol on the slopes. He was appreciative of it, even if the others kept not-so-subtly darting glances between the two of them.

In fact, Lu Han was appreciative of everyone. At breakfast, Junmyeon had tentatively broached the subject of what they were going to do that day.

“We’re going skiing. We’re at a ski resort, aren’t we?” Lu Han asked, a little snarky. Chanyeol snorted into his breakfast cereal and splashed himself in the face. _Gross, why do I find that cute?_ He was so gone. The next few… months? Period of time? However long he needed to recover - they were going to be tough.

“Well, yeah,” Junmyeon stuttered but recovered, glaring at Chanyeol. “Shush you. I was wondering if you were up for it. It’s totally okay if not.”

Lu Han smiled at him. “I originally wasn’t planning on it,” he admitted, “but well… I could probably use the distraction.” He finished his yogurt and moved to get himself ready.

A few fun but exhausting hours later, they all piled into the two cars to get home. Lu Han switched places with Chanyeol to go with Amber, Sulli, Baekhyun, and Kyungsoo. The latter two had invited Lu Han to their house for the night, and Lu Han gratefully accepted. He’d had a hard time that day, trying to fight off memories of skiing with Minseok. After all, his skiing memories up to that point had all involved Minseok. 

He’d managed, and had fun despite himself. But as he settled into Baekhyun and Kyungsoo’s guest room for the night, the bad thoughts came.

_I’m so, so lonely_ , Lu Han thought, breaths coming faster and faster in a panic. _What have I done what have I done—_. He bolted upright and hauled himself at the nightstand, scrabbling at the lamp until it flickered on. Closing his eyes, Lu Han tried to let the warmth of the light wash over him, feeling the sweat on his skin touch the cold night air. 

“I did it because I needed to do it,” he said out loud, tears forming in his eyes. It wasn’t working, he was still so sad and lonely. It was that last word, lonely, that made him realize. He was alone, but that didn’t mean he had to be lonely. Lu Han reached for his phone and texted Sehun. 

Sehun immediately called and talked Lu Han down, eventually switching the topic to more harmless ones. They talk until Lu Han felt ready to fall asleep, eyelids heavy. “Thanks, Sehun,” he whispered, “but I gotta go before all you hear is me snoring.”

“Not like that hasn’t happened before,” Sehun chuckled. “You know you can call me any time right, hyung?”

Lu Han smiled. “Why’d you think I texted?”

“Good. Night hyung.”

“Night.”

_____________________

The rest of October passed in a blur. Lu Han stayed at Baekhyun and Kyungsoo’s more nights than not. He’d spent that first night back in El Dorado staring at the wall between him and Chanyeol, wishing so badly he could go and seek comfort from Chanyeol.

He couldn’t. He couldn’t do that to Chanyeol. He was a puddle of post break-up mess, and Chanyeol was a sweetheart who deserved the best. Chanyeol, who had taken care of him from their very first meeting. Lu Han needed time to recover, he wanted to reach out when he could take care of Chanyeol too. 

And he knew Chanyeol would wait for him. So instead, he got up from his bed and nudged Junmyeon. His roommate groaned and blinked blearily at him after a few shoves from Lu Han. “Can I sleep with you tonight? Platonically, of course,” he mumbled with his blanket in his hand and his hair probably a weird mess.

Junmyeon grunted, but it was a soft one as he held up his own blanket in welcome. 

Lu Han loved his coworkers.

At work, he tried his best to be normal. Thank goodness he still loved his job. Technology broke and ran into weird bugs with alarming regularity, so Lu Han always felt like he was an important part of NEMI. He was grateful that here, Chanyeol was never nervous about approaching him with a problem. And he still left little sweets for Lu Han and Kyungsoo, to get them through the day.

In his non-work time, he did a lot of self-reflection, and tried to open up as much as he could to his non-Chanyeol friends. He thought about why he stayed with Minseok so damn long, about all the ways he’s grown, and about all the ways he still needed to grow.

He opened up more to Junmyeon, to Kyungsoo, and to Amber. All of them older, and all of them having been through their own share of bad relationships, they had much to share with Lu Han about being in a relationship. About how a relationship is meant to be a support system, and that friends are just as important.

In a moment of weakness, Lu Han looked up Jimin Shin on Facebook. The library was such a good place for that, since the little old ladies there didn’t really understand social media and were sweeter to him ever since he stopped coming with Chanyeol. His first thought was, _I didn’t take that profile picture…_. Alarmed, he studied it more closely. _God, we do look alike. That is some weird shit right there._

Quickly, Lu Han closed out the browser. _Stop. Stop right there_. He really didn’t need to know more. He wanted to and didn’t want to at the same time. His phone broke him out of his internal struggle, buzzing with a loud reminder to meet up with Amber and Chanyeol. The little old ladies glared at him. _Oops_. He grinned sheepishly at them before packing up and running out the door.

It would be okay.

_____________________

All too quickly, November approached, and with it came the annual NEMI season’s end party. Lu Han had been dreading this for weeks now. It was also the farewell party for many of the temps techs. Some would be coming back next year, but… Amber, Sulli, and Chen weren’t. He’d gotten really attached to them over the past few months.

The party itself was held in the auditorium where they usually held their monthly All-Staffs. When Lu Han entered, he was amazed at how the inside had been transformed. Where before there had been simply a stage with rows of chairs, the auditorium was now lined with tables of food. The seats had been moved to the edge, but most people stood in groups near the food.

Lu Han moved to find Kyungsoo and found him chaperoning the wine table. With an exaggerated weary sigh, Kyungsoo said, “I’m babysitting the wine for an hour. Woe is me,” before knocking the last of his wine and refilling it. “Want some?”

“Sure, I’ll take some,” Lu Han said, amused at how much Kyungsoo sounded like Baekhyun at the moment. “Sounds like a really tough gig. I don’t envy your easy access to the alcohol.”

“This job should come with more perks,” Kyungsoo agreed, pouring Lu Han a glass of wine. “Here you go.”

“Thanks,” Lu Han said, taking the glass. “Nice job with the party planning. Looks great.” 

They chatted a while more before they were interrupted by their boss taking the microphone and clearing his throat. He began his speech, and ended with, “Thank you all for another great season. And please eat the food, I can’t possibly finish it all.”

Everyone applauded, laughing. Kyungsoo said, “I always appreciate that Sooman can give concise speeches.”

“For sure. Hey, I’m going to go find the temps, I’ll see you later?”

“Yep, see you.”

Lu Han quickly found Amber and gave her an awkward side hug around all the food she was carrying. “Whoa there,” she chuckled as they let go, “let me put down my shit so I can give you a proper hug. Don’t want to drop everything like Yeol.” They both covered their smiles when Chanyeol tripped on the carpet and dropped some food on a yelping Baekhyun.

“Your timing is impeccable milady,” Lu Han bantered, and put down his own glass and plate. They hugged. “Thank you so much, for everything.” He teared up, thinking of how she was leaving early the next day for a position at the Californian NEMI station. “I’ll miss you.”

“Aw, Xiao Lu. You’ll make me cry too,” Amber said, getting sniffly too. “I’ll miss you too.”

Lu Han pulled back, and gave her a watery smile. “What’ll I do without you talking sense into me?”

She smiled back at him, and put a hand on his shoulder. “You can call me any time. And remember, give Yeol some space. But don’t let him get away. Got it?”

He nodded, and stepped away to let other people say farewell. Lu Han went to find Sulli, too. Spotting her by the desserts, he walked over and put an arm around her shoulder. “Hey you.”

“Hey,” she replied, “want a truffle?”

“Sure,” Lu Han said and she promptly stuffed one in his mouth. He rolled his eyes as she giggled, biting down on the sweetness. “Yum.” They shoved food in each other’s faces for a while, Lu Han laughing at the ridiculousness. _Only at my workplace_. He finally cried mercy and led her away from the desserts. They sat down, their full stomachs protesting a little.

After a while of catching their breath, Sulli turned to Lu Han, eyes serious. He raised an eyebrow at her. “This… is pretty random,” she started before hesitating. Then she shook her head and earnestly looked into Lu Han’s eyes. “I just have to get it off my chest before I leave.”

“Um, okay?” Lu Han said, confused.

“Xiao Lu, did I ever tell you why I broke up with Chanyeol?” Lu Han, taken aback, simply shook his head. Her eyes became distant. The silence stretched between them as he watched Sulli try to think about what she wanted to say. She settled on, “His heart is too big. He likes everyone and can’t tell when he really likes someone, or just… loves them as a friend. That’s just how he is.” She looked down, voice becoming smaller. “In the end, he didn’t like like me.”

“Aw, Sulli….” Lu Han rested a hand on her leg. “I’m sorry, should I punch him?”

Sulli let out a chuckle and put her hand on top of Lu Han’s. “Nah, I punched him in the gut so he knew I was hurting. And I got over it a while ago.” She smiled up at Lu Han. “Besides, I don’t think I liked him as much as I should’ve, either. It’s why we got over each other so quickly.” Sulli examined Lu Han’s face, and patted his cheek. He made a face at her, and she giggled. “…anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I think he really, truly likes you. I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he does you.”

“You really think so?” Lu Han whispered. This was pretty weird, talking to Chanyeol’s ex. But this was Sulli, his friend, so he guessed it wasn’t that weird after all. 

“Trust me, I know so. Now stop looking like a kicked puppy, I can feel a Chanyeol being utterly confused about our weird body language.” He glanced over at Chanyeol and sure enough, Chanyeol had some interesting expressions playing over his face before carefully schooling them back into an expression of disinterest.

He laughed, turning back to Sulli. “We could really confuse him by having me sit on your lap.”

Grinning deviously at him, Sulli said, “Tempting, but no thanks. You are so not my type and he knows that.”

“Oh yeah? You’re a little too female for me yourself,” Lu Han teased, and then pulled her in for a last hug. “Anyway, thanks for that. I’ll keep it in mind. I really like him too, but I’m not in the right place. I… probably won’t be for a while.”

“I get that. That’s really self-aware of you, Xiao Lu, I didn’t know you had it in you!” she said, drawing back. 

Lu Han stuck out his tongue at her. “I won’t miss you at all,” he drawled, and she shooed him away as other people came to talk to her. 

It was a lie, of course. He’d miss them all. Lu Han sighed and went back to the wine table. He blinked when he saw it was Chanyeol standing at the table, staring off into space. “Aren’t you a little too clumsy for this?” he said, smiling. 

Chanyeol startled and nearly dropped the bottle of wine he’d been playing with. “Point taken,” he said sheepishly. “I subbed in for Soo because he wanted a break.”

“Fair, though I told him to tell me to sub in.” Lu Han tried not to, but he knew he was pouting a bit.

Smiling gently at him, Chanyeol said softly, “It’s probably because this is your first time at the farewell party. He wanted to give you time to say goodbye.”

Lu Han bit his lip. “Is it going to be like this each time?” He knew it was going to hit later, really hit that his friends were leaving. Not all of them, but the temp techs made up the majority of the staff. They would get new ones in March and start the cycle all over.

“It… it gets better, I guess.” Chanyeol took the glass out of Lu Han’s hand and set it on the table. “I’m still sad every time.”

He watched Chanyeol pour, studied his face. _So gorgeous, and so sweet_. He pretended he hadn’t just been staring when Chanyeol straightened and handed him back his drink. _Time to go_. “Well… good to know.” Lu Han paused, but went with his gut. “Thanks… hyung.” Lu Han hoped Chanyeol would know what he meant, that he meant thanks for more than just the wine. He laughed awkwardly, not meeting Chanyeol’s eyes. “Kay, see you around then.” 

Walking away, he was determined he would ask Chanyeol out. Lu Han hoped he would wait… four more months. _I’ll be better by then._

_____________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost done!! The long-awaited luyeol/luchan/chanlu is about to come, please anticipate highly. :D  
> Thanks must be given to my lovely beta Joyce, and guys!!! GUYS WE'RE ALMOST THERE. Big thanks to all you readers <3 comments and kudos have given me life.


	15. Another Fresh Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lu Han finds out that the end is merely another beginning.

It was difficult to not feel lonely in El Dorado after the majority of its residents up and left. With only three people bouncing around a house meant for eleven, it felt empty, hollowed out. Also, it didn’t help that Junmyeon opted more and more often to stay at Kris’s. 

The next weekend found Lu Han lying face-down on his bed, with no plans and no desire to do anything besides mope. He didn’t want to leave because it was gross and rainy outside. But without wifi there wasn’t much to do in El Dorado. Rolling around in bed, he remembered back to how miserable he’d felt when he came back from study abroad and found that Jongin had taken to sleeping over at Soojung’s. He thought this was a comparable feeling. 

Normally the others in El Dorado would drag him out to do something. Now, Lu Han was free to wallow in his misery. Sighing, he opened his phone with the intent of playing Temple Run or something. At that moment, it buzzed at him:

pcyhyung: hey you up

His heart raced and he sat up in bed, mood instantly improved. _What does he have in mind?_ He wondered, trying to formulate a cool and collected answer despite the fluttery feelings in his chest, but then realized Chanyeol was probably in his room. _Would it be awkward if I just went to his room? I was the one who asked him for space…_. though if Chanyeol reached out first he just wanted to hang out. _Friends_ , Lu Han thought before getting up from his bed and walking into Chanyeol’s room. 

“Why are you texting me when you’re literally next—” Lu Han asked before cracking up at the sight of Chanyeol entangled in Christmas lights. “I guess that’s my answer. You could’ve yelled or something.” He crossed his arms, taking a moment to appreciate how handsome Chanyeol looked in his adorable winter sweater, even if he was trying to fight his way out without breaking the lights. If Lu Han didn’t know better, this was simply Chanyeol’s winter outfit.

Chanyeol pouted at him and Lu Han’s heart did more weird flip-flops. “I’m stuck, stop laughing and help me.” By now he was also laughing at himself, mock frustration only there for Lu Han’s benefit. Lu Han loved that sparkle in his eyes, how he didn’t take himself so seriously. “I wasn’t going to yell, I still have some dignity.”

“Sure, sure, silly,” cackled Lu Han before he went over and helped extricate Chanyeol. “There.”

Chanyeol sighed in relief. “Thanks.” Then he grinned up at Lu Han. “So, wanna help me decorate?”

What had been shaping up to a dreary rainy day turned into a trial and error of going through El Dorado’s boxes of holiday decorations. Chanyeol was so enthusiastic, proudly brandishing one weird decoration after another. “Where should this go? And what about this?”

“One at a time,” Lu Han laughed, taking the wreath out of his hand, “but this would go great on the front door.”

“Yeah!” Chanyeol agreed with a brilliant smile. Lu Han ducked away to hang it on the door, hiding his smile. _I can’t help but enjoy the moment, he mused, because Chanyeol is so darn excited. Like a kid._

As they wound the lights around the banister, Lu Han tried not to think about how this felt like they were dating. But if it was dating, he’d never realized that being with someone he liked could feel so comfortable. He never had to worry about what to do to please Chanyeol, just be himself. _In fact_ , he thought wryly, _he knows me so well that if I tried to pull that shit he’d call me out on it._

“Penny for your thoughts?” Chanyeol asked, swinging his head around the staircase column so that his face was suddenly really close to Lu Han’s. He jumped backward, though not before smacking Chanyeol on the shoulder. “Ow.”

“You scared me,” Lu Han mumbled, heart beating so fast at how close they were. Chanyeol opened his mouth, presumably to apologize, but Lu Han cut him off. He had nothing to apologize for, just Lu Han being weird. “Haha, it’s ok. Let’s go plug this in,” Lu Han said, gesturing at the lights.

“Sure thing,” Chanyeol said instead of whatever he’d been planning to say. “You’ll let me know if I overstep, right?”

Lu Han smiled, his heart squeezing at Chanyeol’s earnestness. “Of course.” _God, he’s so considerate. I’m just not used to this I guess_ , he thought as he watched Chanyeol thunder down the steps. He flashed Chanyeol a thumbs up when the majority of the lights all turned on, lightly smacking the other lights to activate them.

Soon, the interior of El Dorado twinkled cheerfully back at them. Lu Han and Chanyeol high-fived, lounging on the couch in the living room. “Great job, dongsaeng.”

“Not so bad yourself,” Lu Han said before his stomach rumbled. He groaned in embarrassment, lightly hitting Chanyeol’s shoulder for chuckling at him. _Why do I like him again?_ “Not funny, decorating is hard work,” he grumbled.

“Okay, grumpy. Can I be forgiven for laughing at you with frozen pizza?”

Lu Han narrowed his eyes at Chanyeol as if taking the matter with great consideration. At some point, Chanyeol had donned one of the reindeer antler headbands. He scooted over, liking that Chanyeol held his breath when Lu Han got really close, and then stole the headband to put it on himself. “Yes,” he said, smiling his most angelic smile. 

It took a moment for Chanyeol to recover, and it was his turn to grumble, “Stop being so unnecessarily cute,” ruffling Lu Han’s hair on his way out of the living room. “Be right back.”

“We can have mine too if yours isn’t enough,” Lu Han called after him, and relaxed back on the couch. He’s glad they can be comfortable being friends. _It’s nice being able to build this up before actually dating_. Lu Han took the moment to assess himself, but the hurt and fear from his last commitment still felt raw. He shook his head. _Soon, but not yet, I’ll wait until I’m ready. Chanyeol deserves that. I deserve that._

_____________________

After another week of work, it was time to drive home for the holidays. He had a long drive ahead, and left work a bit early to get started on the road. When he made it through town and to the freeway, he called Sehun. Though the call was brief, with Yixing nagging at him that he shouldn’t drive while distracted, Lu Han’s still glad that they’re much happier with him. He knew postgrad life was falling into place for them as well, Yixing enamored with his girlfriend and Sehun single but having fun mingling. “Don’t be too trusting on Tinder,” Lu Han warned.

“Pff. Hyung, you haven’t even used Tinder. It’s fine if you take the proper precautions,” Sehun whined at him.

“Plus I’m always on call if Sehun gets in trouble,” Yixing added.

“You know you can call me too,” Lu Han said, knowing that they would hear the pout on his voice.

Sehun laughed. “What would you do, teleport to Boston and beat the guy up?”

“Of course, with my magical superpowers. Sehunnie never fear, I’ll beat up the bad guys!”

“Sure, sure,” Sehun replied. “Speaking of bad guys… how are you doing?” Lu Han sighed. Sehun had the subtlety of a blaring trumpet.

“I’m as well as expected. I’m definitely more over him than before.”

“And how’s Chanyeol?” Yixing asked slyly.

“Like I said, I’m waiting until I’m okay again to ask him out.”

“Good,” Yixing said, and the rest of his words were soft. “I’m glad you’re waiting. It’s the right thing.”

“I know, I just like him so much. But I’ll survive,” Lu Han said. “Plus, I’m going to tell you guys if anything happens, so don’t worry. I’m getting better at this.” _I wouldn’t go so far to say I completely like myself, but I’m happier with myself now._

“Aww. You definitely are, hyung. Anyway, you should go before you drive into a ditch or something. The last time we were riding together, Yixing hyung, you can’t believe how terrible he was.”

“I object,” Lu Han frowned, “that was like a lifetime ago! I’m so much better now.” _At everything._

“They do say practice makes perfect,” Yixing said, and Lu Han grinned. It felt good to have someone team up against Sehun like this, like old times. “Safe drive, Lu Han. Talk to you later.”

“Bye!” Sehun and Lu Han chorused, and Lu Han hung up. He pressed play on the Harry Potter audiobooks he’d gotten for these long drives, and relaxed to the antics of Harry fucking up yet again.

A few hours later, he turned off the navigation, now on familiar streets. Lu Han’s excited to be home, actually, though he realized he hadn’t talked to his parents since he graduated. _Oops_ , he thought as he parked in front of his parents’ house, _they are going to be so pissed._

He slung his backpack over his shoulder and cautiously approached the front door. The door opened before he got a chance to take out his keys. His mom, looking like she was in one of her dramatic moods, first pulled him in for a big hug. And then pulled back to shake him. “Why didn’t you call once?” she demanded as his brain rattled around his head. “I was so worried but I kept telling myself no news is good news!”

“Sorry,” Lu Han said, “life was busy.”

“Come in before you catch a cold, aiya coming home when it’s this late at night.”

“Okay, okay.” He stepped inside and threw his bag at the bottom of the staircase. His dad was at the dinner table, halfway through his meal.

“Sit, sit,” his dad gestured, “eat before it gets cold.”

He grabbed his own chopsticks served himself some rice, and gratefully began to dig in. “Yum, your food is so good,” he told his mom, who still looked irate.

“I know.” He sighed. She was definitely in one of her moods, but then again, Lu Han knew who he’d inherited his flair for drama from. Lu Han sighed, resigned as she launched into her list of complaints, “Never calling, taking a job that doesn’t earn real money, you’re going to be the death of me.” 

The rant went on and on. Mutely, Lu Han just kept nodding along as he ate. _It does no good to contradict, especially because it’s just that she’s worried about me_ , he reminded himself, _and she shows that love by nagging_. His mom only paused in nagging to add more food to his plate. Plus, it was true that he’d been bad about keeping in contact with them. He bit back his protests at the money part, trying to shrug the comments off.

When his mom finally calmed down, she said, “Anyway, it’s no use talking to you about this. What about that boyfriend of yours? Does he earn good money?”

The food suddenly became a lump in his throat. Lu Han had to try twice to swallow it, making a pained expression. “He’s… we’re not together anymore.” He was a bit worried at how much it still stung, but figured it was more the surprise question than anything. Lu Han had forgotten he hadn’t really told his parents anything around the time of the break. It wasn’t something he could really explain to them.

His mom deflated. “Oh. I’m sorry. He seemed nice but had a lot of problems. You need someone from a similar background.” _Not sure what that means, but okay. Would Chanyeol count as a similar background? Despite how poorly they treated him, he still cares about his family like I do_. He was grateful all over again that his parents definitely loved him, and felt pity that Minseok would never understand what he was truly missing. 

He shook away thoughts of Minseok, and responded, “Yeah sure.” _Come on, mom, move on_. Thankfully, his mom switched the topic to something that happened at work today, and Lu Han was freed from interrogation. _Finally_. Though, now that he was thinking of Chanyeol… he wondered what his parents would think of Chanyeol. They’d probably like him. 

He hoped… he wanted to bring Chanyeol back home, next year. He quickly rubbed the wistful smile off of his face when he realized what his expression must look like. Lu Han had had enough of answering probing questions for the whole vacation, let alone one dinner.

_____________________

“Are you sure you can’t stay longer?” his mom asked, worriedly looking at the snow outside. “Look at the weather outside, so dangerous.”

He hugged his mom. “It’ll be fine, I’m driving in the daytime before it freezes and becomes black ice tomorrow. Plus this hopefully means less people are on the road.” Lu Han tried not to think about how tired his mom looked, wanting to trust that she’d take care of herself.

“You can’t even stay for new year’s?”

Lu Han pulled away, shaking his head. “We have to start day after, I should be back to get some things ready for the first meeting of the year.” He hugged his dad too, though his dad awkwardly patted him on the back, shooing him away. “I love you guys, I promise I’ll call more,” he said, and left before he could start crying.

Even though he was sad, he knew it was a good idea to avoid the holiday traffic by leaving on New Year’s Eve. Plus, he had an extra incentive that he wasn’t telling his parents.

He didn’t want to leave Chanyeol all alone in El Dorado for New Year’s too. Chanyeol had off-handedly mentioned he wasn’t going home, hadn’t gone home for ages since the plane trip back to Korea was quite expensive. He put on a brave face, saying that he’d join Kris’s family for Christmas, but then Lu Han knew no one would be around for New Year’s. 

And anyway, Lu Han had missed Chanyeol. Besides being his crush, Chanyeol had just woven himself into Lu Han’s life as a good friend, and at home Lu Han had continued to message Chanyeol. He’s outraged when Chanyeol told him he’d never been to New York City, but admitted he himself had never gone to watch the ball drop, despite living there.

He continued to text, stopping at rest stops to respond to Chanyeol. He needed to keep up the pretense he was still at home, after all. Lu Han grinned, anticipating the look of surprise on Chanyeol’s face. Chanyeol liked surprises.

luhanistheman: besides the real New Yorkers stay at home where it’s cozy and warm  
luhanistheman: the ball is so tiny anyway why would you want to see that  
pcyhyung: it’s the experience!!! the magic!  
luhanistheman: the only Experience is seeing people piss in bottles  
luhanistheman: because they can’t leave their spot  
pcyhyung: augh that is gross  
luhanistheman: anyway ttyl gotta go  
pcyhyung: aight well happy new year  
luhanistheman: ^_^

 _He has no idea_ , Lu Han thought gleefully, and hopped back into the car. When he finally pulled into the El Dorado driveway, his fatigue was instantly forgotten at the prospect of seeing Chanyeol again. The lights were still on in the living room, so he ran out and went inside, poking his head in the living room. 

Chanyeol, dressed for maximum comfort in a tank top and sweatpants, looked up from his guitar and gasped with delight. The sight of him with a guitar never failed to make Lu Han’s heart beat faster, but the sight of Chanyeol’s ripped arms made Lu Han’s mouth dry. Lu Han realized he was saying something, snapping back to hear, “Dongsaeng! You’re back early!” Chanyeol paused and frowned. “Aren’t your parents upset you left early?”

Lu Han shrugged, pretending he hadn’t been staring at Chanyeol’s arms. “I promised to visit again soon, and to call more often. Besides,” he added, “I wanted to keep you company on New Year’s.”

The other hid his face in his hands and whispered in a small voice, “You have no idea how happy that makes me.” The warm feeling that rushed through Lu Han’s chest was almost overwhelming. He walked over and pulled Chanyeol’s hands away from his face to give him a hug.

“Don’t be silly. No one should be alone on the holidays,” he whispered into Chanyeol’s hair, which smelled faintly of flowery shampoo. “I guess you could third-wheel but that’s not fun either.”

“Depends on the couple,” Chanyeol chuckled. Lu Han felt it wise to not mention the watery quality of Chanyeol’s voice, but it warmed him further to know Chanyeol valued his presence so much. 

He pulled away, smiling at Chanyeol before remembering why he hadn’t taken his shoes off yet. “Oh yeah, come help me bring stuff out of the car. My parents gave me a bunch of leftovers, including a shit ton of 韭菜盒子.” At Chanyeol’s quizzical glance, he said, “Uh, they’re like savory turnovers. Hope you like chives. If not, um, there’s—”

Chanyeol ruffled his hair, interrupting his rambling with, “I love chives. Lead the way.”

Flushing a bit, Lu Han nodded and took Chanyeol’s hand after he put his guitar to the side and got up. Together, they unloaded Lu Han’s car. “I would classify this as more of a metric shit ton,” he grunted on the last trip. “You’re sharing, right?”

“Of course!” Lu Han said, pulling open the front door for Chanyeol to walk in. He followed afterwards, continuing, “Especially the box wine. Apparently it was on sale so my parents got it for me,” Lu Han rolled his eyes. “It’s got to be an Asian thing.”

Putting down the box he was holding, Chanyeol rolled his shoulders back. Lu Han quickly averted his eyes, finding the motion sexier than it had a right to be. “Definitely an Asian thing,” Chanyeol confirmed. “Hey, wanna try it tonight?” Chanyeol picked up the box wine and waggled his eyebrows. 

“Let’s drink it as we wait for the ball to drop!” Lu Han cheered.

And that’s how it led to the two of them giggling on the couch in the living room, drunk on box wine and watching the ball drop on El Dorado’s shitty TV. Lu Han wouldn’t have it any other way, chest warm because of the wine and because of Chanyeol. They excitedly counted down the seconds to the new year. On 0, Chanyeol turned to give Lu Han a joking kiss on the cheek. 

Before Lu Han could figure out what had happened, a flustered Chanyeol lurched up and stumbled up the stairs to his room, yelling something about “space” and “sorry.” Lu Han’s buzzed so all he can do was giggle in response. _A kiss on the cheek is kinda gray area in terms of space, but still in the friend area I think… it’s cute that Chanyeol did that and then got so worried about it_. His phone buzzed at him, and he fumbled a bit with the lock before getting it to open. _Fuck, I need to drink some more water._

pcyhyung: sorry!!!! ahaha god I need to control myself ><  
pcyhyung: no pressure or ANYTHING I will stay far from youuu plz don’t hate me  
pcyhyung: TT_TT

His lips quirked up. _So, so silly. But so considerate._

luhanistheman: you stole my new year’s first kiss how dare  
luhanistheman: you’re forgiven if you pay for breakfast tomorrow  
pcyhyung: yessir!  
luhanistheman: oh and you should prob drink some water  
pcyhyung: already on ittttt but thx for the reminder <3 good night  
luhanistheman: night :)

_____________________

They managed to make it to the diner for around 10 AM the next morning. Thankfully, they’d escaped hangovers by chugging water the whole night, but Chanyeol owed him a breakfast anyway. Lu Han knew Chanyeol could make a mean pancake, but the diner was pretty great too.

He glanced at Chanyeol across the booth, noting that he looked nervous about breakfast being just the two of them. It’s cute that he’s still worried, actually. Lu Han wanted to pat him on the head to calm him down but restrained himself. Instead he said, “Relax, silly, we’ve got company.”

“Company?” Chanyeol asked and looked up in time to see Baekhyun and Kyungsoo walking in, followed by Kris, Junmyeon, and a stranger who turned out to be Kris’s friend Tao. He brightened, as Lu Han knew he would. “I didn’t even know they were back!”

“And here I thought they were your friends,” Lu Han teased, waving at the group to come sit down. His smile widened when Victoria came in. “Hey,” he said, moving to hug her. “You’re still here.” He hadn’t seen her in a while, and was happy she could join. 

“Of course,” she said, eyes sparkling. “Did you miss the announcement that I’m the new field manager for mammals?”

“I must have, congrats!” Lu Han said, walking her to the table. “I’m glad you’re sticking around.” _Another friendship to keep and strengthen_ , he thought to himself, smiling.

“Me too, I love this place. And this boy,” she added, dropping a kiss on Tao’s cheek. He pouted up at her and Lu Han’s jaw dropped again. 

“No way,” Lu Han muttered. He’d never asked who Victoria’s boyfriend was, but of course it was Junmyeon’s boyfriend’s best friend. “What an incestuous friend group.”

“You’re one to—” Tao began, but Kris slapped a hand over his mouth, giving him a Look. Lu Han cheerfully ignored him and changed the topic.

_____________________

On Valentine’s day, Lu Han was greeted by the sight of a lump on his desk. He frowned, thinking, _What is this thing? It honestly looks like a piece of shit_. Picking it up and smelling it, he realized it must be chocolate. Upon even closer inspection, he noticed there was a note attached to the bottom of it, saying, “Lu Han fighting!” in Korean. _Ah, I see_ , Lu Han realized as he connected the dots. When Kyungsoo walked in, Lu Han asked, “Do you know anything about this?”

Kyungsoo’s eyes landed on the lump Lu Han was holding and he failed to stifle a laugh. “Uh, no. But I can guess who.”

Lu Han realized he was grinning stupidly. “Same.” _Who else could be so silly?_ He took a hesitant bite out of the misshapen chocolate. “Huh. It actually tastes pretty good, despite looking like… um.”

“Shit?” 

He’d always appreciated Kyungsoo’s blunt honesty, but this time Lu Han winced at how harsh it sounded out loud. “Well, it’s the effort that counts, or something.” His chest was warm. _Gah he’s so adorably bad at this._

They both heard a yelp from down the hallway. Kyungsoo’s lips twitched again. “I take it you took my advice?” he asked, arching an eyebrow.

“Of course, O Wise One. Glad he likes it.” Lu Han’s glad he’d had the foresight to sneak the tiny little jade plant onto Chanyeol’s desk the night before.

He smiled and went back to starting his day, absently biting into the chocolate as he powered up his computer. _I need to tell the guys about this_ , he thought, and messaged Sehun, Yixing, and Jongin to check if they were available for a chat after work today.

luhanistheman: cuz I want to share something (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧  
xingxingunicorn: oh boy  
kailovesdogs: it’s the sparklies  
kailovesdogs: must be that boy  
oohsehunnie: who else  
oohsehunnie: now I’m dying to know  
oohsehunnie: postpone your dates guys I want to gang up on hyung  
luhanistheman: free any time after 5 PM EST  
kailovesdogs: urgh always up for teasing hyung but tight on time  
kailovesdogs: though… 5 PM EST should be good  
xingxingunicorn: ya 5 PM works, my date’s at 6:30.  
oohsehunnie: you see what I have to deal with  
kailovesdogs: ooOoooOoo  
luhanistheman: ooOoooOoo  
xingxingunicorn: shut it

Noticing his computer had turned on, Lu Han texted his cya later and started his work. He’s antsy the whole day, but besides a quick, shy, “Thanks for the baby tree, I love it,” Chanyeol was disappointingly professional. 

_Ah well, it’s work, what did I expect?_ But as soon as the clock turned 5, he pulled out his laptop and powered that up. Kyungsoo was packing his things. “Any big plans for today?” Lu Han asked, waggling his eyebrows. 

“Baek’s making me dinner and I’m grabbing the wine,” Kyungsoo grinned as he triumphantly held up a beautiful bottle of wine. 

“Oh, so that’s where you went at lunchtime,” Lu Han said. “Nice, have fun!” Kyungsoo waved and ran out the door, eager to get back. _So cute. I guess I’d be rushing too if I had someone like Baekhyun to go home to_. The image of Chanyeol cooking dinner for him in a cute apron wafted up in his brain and he quickly dismissed it. _Not anytime soon._

He opened up the chat, bouncing his leg in anticipation.

>Incoming call<

“Hello!” he greeted cheerily. The blobby figure of Jongin smiled back at him.

“Hello,” Jongin replied sleepily, rubbing his eyes, “Sorry, long day. But I’m all yours now!”

“Aw,” Lu Han cooed at him, “Long Skype date with the girlfriend?” 

Jongin waggled his eyebrows as Sehun and Yixing joined the call. “Something like that. Hey Sehun, hey Xing hyung.” 

“Hello,” they chorused back, and Sehun said, “Before we continue, time to compare our Vday loot!”

Yixing groaned. “You see what I have to put up with?”

“That’s so high school,” Lu Han agreed, making a face. Secretly, he was glad - that’s why he wanted to talk to them, anyway.

Sehun made a face back at him, saying, “You’re high school. Anyway, on three - one, two, three!” Jongin held up three pretty cake pops, Yixing held up one fancy box of chocolate, and Sehun turned around with many, many boxes of designer chocolate. As expected, with Jongin and Yixing both having girlfriends and Sehun having many admirers. Lu Han sheepishly held up his picture of the chocolate from earlier, having already eaten it all.

Sehun cackled, putting aside his boxes. “That’s great, hyung, it looks like—”

“I know what it looks like,” Lu Han hurriedly interrupted Sehun, looking at the door. There was a chance Chanyeol could overhear and he didn’t want Chanyeol’s feelings to be hurt. He breathed a sigh of relief when he didn’t see anyone. “It tasted good though.”

Yixing had a knowing smirk on his face. “Someone’s in love,” he sing-songed, and Lu Han glared at him.

“Hush you,” he said, “I dunno if I’m there yet.”

“When will we get to meet this guy?” Jongin whined. 

Lu Han shrugged. “Hopefully never if you guys are going to be like this,” he muttered, rolling his eyes at them. 

It was just his luck that Chanyeol chose that moment to poke his head in the door. “I’m heading out, did you—oh, sorry did I interrupt?”

He ignored the suddenly excited voices from his laptop, muting them for the moment. “Shush,” he told them, and looked up at Chanyeol. “Not you, them. No worries, it’s just my dumb friends. What’s up?”

“Oh! Can I say hi?” Chanyeol said, brightening. Lu Han blinked, surprised. None of his previous love interests had been that interested in getting to know his friends, so Chanyeol’s enthusiasm about this made him feel a nervous kind of happiness. Nervous because he hoped to God that 1) his friends liked Chanyeol, 2) Chanyeol liked his friends, and 3) his friends wouldn’t say anything dumb.

“Uh, sure?” he said, pushing back his seat. “Wait, hold on let me unmute them.” Chanyeol approached and leaned on the back of Lu Han’s chair as he fiddled with his computer.

“Hey, I’m Chanyeol.” His low voice washed over Lu Han, calming his nervousness. He loved Chanyeol, so he knew his friends would too. _Er, um, love… as a friend_. “I work with Lu Han and he’s a sweetheart. You guys friends from college?” 

Lu Han smiled with a disgusting amount of fondness as his friends tripped over each other to introduce themselves and what they did. “Anyway, I can believe that Lu Han hasn’t said a word about any of us. Hmph,” Sehun said, acting a bit miffed. 

He opened his mouth to apologize but Chanyeol beat him to the punch. “Nah, actually Lu Han has told me about you guys. I can relate, I’m still friends with my college buddies, like… seven years later.” He paused, frowning. “Fuck, I’m old.” 

Jongin laughed. “That’s good to hear though, that you can keep these friendships going strong.”

“It helps that two of them live here, so we’re easy to visit. One of them is actually Lu Han’s officemate.”

Yixing made an “ah” of understanding. “The small scary cute one,” he said.

“Don’t let him hear you call him cute,” Lu Han and Chanyeol chorused and they grinned dopily at each other. Someone - probably Sehun, that brat, made a fake retching noise.

Chanyeol blushed a little, and cleared his throat. “Anyway, I was just coming in to ask if you needed a ride.”

“Ah no, I’m good, I came with… shit, did Junmyeon leave already,” Lu Han groaned.

“‘Fraid so,” Chanyeol replied apologetically. “Kris had a surprise waiting for him.”

Yixing piped up, “If you need to go you should go with him.” 

Lu Han glared at Yixing, who was not-so-indiscreetly winking at him. He sighed. “Can you give me a minute to finish up here? Sorry to keep you waiting.” 

“Sure thing!” Chanyeol said, ruffling his hair. Lu Han pouted up at him and he chuckled. “Bye guys, okay if I add you all on Facebook or something?” he waved at Lu Han’s computer screen. 

They all agreeably waved goodbye, but as soon as Chanyeol left earshot the teasing began. “He is really hot, even I want him and I’m straight,” Jongin marveled. 

“And you’re taken!” Lu Han pouted.

Yixing waved a dismissive hand. “Just because we’ve got significant others doesn’t mean we can’t make objectively correct observations. God, he is cute.” He raised a finger. “And, he’s the first that asked to meet us! I approve.”

Lu Han whistled. “Wow, he got even St Yixing’s approval,” he teased.

“Seems like a keeper, but we’ll have to keep grilling him,” Sehun said. “Anyway, sounds like you should get going?”

“Ah yeah, sorry to cut this short. Have fun on your date, Yixing! Good night Jongin! And have fun with whatever you’re doing Sehun.” He hung up on them, smiling. _Good to know they like him too, that just makes it harder for me to wait. But it’ll be worth it!_ He hastily threw everything in his bag, turning off the lights and shutting the door behind him.

_____________________

The last week of February found Lu Han doing another “field” week. It had been Chanyeol’s suggestion to do a refresher of all the field protocols before all the new staff arrived, and Lu Han agreed it was a good idea. So did their boss at Monday morning meeting. Lu Han wasn’t any less scared of heights, so they did a repeat of the setup - GoPro on Chanyeol’s head, and walkie-talkie communication.

Though it’d been just a few months since they’d last did this, so much had changed. The first time, Chanyeol had to not only explain the basics, but had to talk Lu Han down from his fear of heights. This time, Lu Han was a lot more comfortable with everything, and they spent the first half of the session bantering about nothing. Halfway through though, the work talk dissolved into frivolous arguments. “Excuse you, ripped jeans are the peak of fashion,” Lu Han huffed into the mic, but he smiled at how dumb this argument was. _I don’t even know how we got here._

“I wasn’t arguing about fashion, I was arguing about practicality. Don’t your knees get cold?”

“Well—”

“You guys argue like a married couple,” Kyungsoo interrupted, flinging off his noise-cancelling headphones and pinching the bridge of his nose. “Simmer down.” He got up and left the office.

“Whelp,” Lu Han said, feeling guilty at getting too rambunctious. 

“Don’t mind him,” Chanyeol’s voice crackled over the headset. “Grumpy because new recruits means lots of wrangling in his near future.”

“Yeah but still, I feel bad.”

Chanyeol pointed the GoPro at a mirrorlike surface on the side of the tower and shrugged. “Don’t. I have it on good authority Baek is a thousand percent worse than me. We’re fine.” Lu Han tried to ignore how handsome he looked, windswept hair and all. 

Lu Han grinned, but realized Chanyeol couldn’t see that. “I don’t know, you are kinda terrible.”

The other made a noise of indignation. “Well I never. Goodbye forever, I’m hanging up now.”

“Good riddance. Rippedjeansforthewin,” Lu Han said and quickly cut the communication before Chanyeol could protest. He knew there was a silly grin on his face, and quickly softened it into a smile when Kyungsoo stomped back into the office. “Sorry for being loud.”

“It’s fine, just keep the flirting down next time,” Kyungsoo said with an eyeroll. 

Lu Han scratched the back of his neck, smiling sheepishly. “It’s not like that. Yet.”

Kyungsoo was instantly contrite. “Oh, sorry, I thought….” They both jumped as Kyungsoo’s phone rang. “Hold that thought,” he said apologetically, and picked up the phone.

 _I guess that_ was flirting. Lu Han realized with a chuckle. Before, flirting had always been Lu Han carefully searching the other person for cues for the exact right thing to say, for fear of them turning away. But with Chanyeol, it came so easily it was almost effortless. He still had to step carefully with keeping some space and all, but it was never as hard as it had been with Minseok. _Oh_ , he thought, eyes widening. _I haven’t thought about that guy in ages._

It wasn’t surprising, since work kept his busy and his friends kept him busier after work. Lu Han had actively chosen to completely immerse himself in his reality here and now. And with a jolt, he realized that meant he was ready - ready to ask Chanyeol out!

He wanted to tell someone, and rushed outside to call Sehun. On his way out, he told Kyungsoo he was going on a walk to clear his mind.

“Hey, you free for like five min?” he asked when Sehun picked up.

“Um, yeah, hold on let me send this email…” and Lu Han heard frantic typing from the other end. “And, send! Okay, what’s up?”

“Imgoingtoaskhimout,” Lu Han said in a whoosh of air. “Agh. He just, he makes me so happy. And….”

“That’s great, hyung! And?”

“And, I don’t know this might sound dumb but he also makes me want to be a better person because he’s so good. Does that make sense?”

Sehun’s voice softened. “Yeah, that makes sense. He seems like a good guy. I’m excited for you, hyung.”

Lu Han shivered, pulling his jacket closer to him as he walked around the building. “Anyway, should I do it?”

“Well, only you can tell how you’re feeling,” Sehun sagely replied. “If you’re ready, then you’re ready, and I support you.” He chuckled. “But yeah, you sound ready. You got this.”

“D’aw, wise Sehunnie. Thanks kid,” Lu Han said, feeling warm despite the chill in the air. “I’ll let you get back to work.”

“I’m glad you called though, hyung. Talk to you later.”

“Bye!” he said and hung up. Sehun was right, only he could tell if this was right. Was he completely, one hundred percent ready? _Well… I_ do _have a good feeling about this. I… I’ll trust myself on this!_

_____________________

Actually, he felt ready in all ways but one - _The actual execution is going to be the goddamn hard part_ , he moaned internally. _Flirting is one thing, but asking him out?_ Lu Han shifted from one foot to the other in front of Chanyeol’s door, but froze when the floor creaked. _Oh God_. But the faint strains of guitar from Chanyeol’s room didn’t stop, and he heaved a sigh of relief.

Lu Han knew that he was being kind of ridiculous. Okay, a lot ridiculous. The feeling was reciprocated, his friends approved, he should just _go_ for it. Even Yixing, the pickiest of his friends, had texted him just minutes ago reminding him that he approved. 

It was just that he’d… he’d never been the one asking someone else out. Lu Han swallowed. He knew it was important he take the first step here, the ball was in his court now. _You can do this_ , he mentally pep-talked himself, feeling his palms get sweaty. He quickly wiped them off and knocked on Chanyeol’s door before he could think twice about it. Chanyeol’s room really was the best place for it, it wasn’t like he was going to ask him out at work or the diner or—

He pushed the door open before he could think too much about it, and quietly walked in. Chanyeol was singing in his beautiful low voice.

_Right from the start_  
_You were a thief, you stole my heart_  
_And I your willing victim_

Lu Han recognized the song right away, and on instinct, continued: 

_I let you see the parts of me, that weren't all that pretty  
And with every touch you fixed them_

He realized that Chanyeol’s strumming had trailed off, and they simply blinked at each other for a moment. Lu Han broke the silence first. “Sorry for barging in, I just… really love that song,” he ended lamely. His eyes found Chanyeol’s, and he smiled wryly. “I mean, it fits our situation so well.”

Chanyeol chuckled, smiling softly back at him. “That’s why I was refreshing my memory of it. I thought the same.” He sobered up, realizing Lu Han wanted to talk seriously. “Anyway, what’s up?” he asked, putting his guitar to the side and folding his hands on his lap.

Lu Han studied Chanyeol for a moment. _If he thought_ I _stole his heart, then he pulled off the grand heist of the year. My heart was already his before I knew what had happened_. He walked closer, thinking, _and he’s always accepted my faults, even when I hurt him_. When he stood in front of Chanyeol, they held each other’s gaze in silent anticipation.

Taking a deep, steadying breath, he untwined Chanyeol’s hands and took both of them into his own. A part of his mind marveled at how much larger Chanyeol’s hands were, and how calloused compared to his own. _Focus_ , he thought, and made himself look up into Chanyeol’s eyes. Chanyeol also seemed to be holding his breath, holding himself very still - so uncharacteristically still that Lu Han couldn’t help but laugh. “Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad.”

“I’m worried anyway,” Chanyeol replied, spluttering a bit. He shifted, biting his lip. “I meant it when I said you stole my heart.”

He groaned. “You’re such a cheeseball,” Lu Han muttered, swinging their hands a bit.

“I know, I’ve had many a friend tell me that. I’d like to think it’s one of my charm points.”

Lu Han stuck his tongue out at him. “I suppose you could say that.” He shook his head, looking down. “That’s not what this is about….”

Chanyeol leaned down to look up into Lu Han’s eyes, and Lu Han giggled despite himself. “Then what is this—”

“Go out with me?” Lu Han blurted out. His hands flew to his face. _I can’t believe I just said it like that._

“Oh my god,” Chanyeol sounded faint, and Lu Han peeked out through his fingers to glare at him. He simply repeated himself, “Oh my god,” but a smile was slowly spreading over his face. The smile Lu Han liked so much, and that was his answer.

But he wanted a clearer one. “Is that a yes or a no?” Lu Han pouted, fighting a smile, and mock-turned to leave. Chanyeol took his hand to stop him and threaded their fingers together.

“It’s a yes, come back cute dongsaeng I want to kiss you,” Chanyeol said, wrapping his other arm around Lu Han’s waist and bringing him close. 

Lu Han smacked his chest and huffed, “Should’ve said so in the first place. Wait, what?” He looked up into Chanyeol’s face, into those big eyes and seeing that gigantic smile. “A kiss?”

“Is that okay?” Chanyeol asked, searching Lu Han’s eyes. “We don’t have—”

He went up on his tiptoes to press a kiss to Chanyeol’s mouth. Chanyeol’s hands flew up to tangle in Lu Han’s hair while Lu Han steadied himself on Chanyeol’s shoulders. He could get drunk on the feeling of Chanyeol’s lips moving against his, feeling like he was finally where he belonged.

Chanyeol kissed harder, pushing Lu Han back onto his heels. _I could kiss him forever_ , he thought dazedly, but just then Chanyeol pulled away. Lu Han felt bereft for a moment, but then Chanyeol touched his forehead to Lu Han’s. He sighed, liking the closeness but wanting to get back to kissing. So he started to kiss Chanyeol’s cheek, nose, and reveled in the feeling of Chanyeol leaning into the kisses. His voice quavery, Chanyeol said, “It’s just so unreal, that I guess we’re a thing now. Right?”

In lieu of answering, Lu Han kissed Chanyeol again, not minding that he’s craning his neck up. “We are indeed a thing. Thanks for waiting.”

“I wasn’t that good at it, but I’ll always take praise when offered,” Chanyeol replied with a wink, trying to be funny. Lu Han half-heartedly batted at him, but knew his fond expression gave his real feelings away. His mind flashed to what he’d told Sehun earlier, about why he was ready - because he knew now that love wasn’t about being with someone that made you better. It’s about being with someone who made you want to be better, because they inspired you with how much they already loved you.

His voice was gruff when he finally said, “Shut up and kiss me more.” Chuckling, Chanyeol was more than happy to comply.

_____________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my goodness AND IT'S A WRAP!!!! WOW! Guys, it's been a long road and thank you so much for sticking through this fic to the very end!! The ending was unexpectedly hard to write because c'mon, fluff is my thing! But I wanted to make it good for you guys and so it took a bit. But enjoy, happy new year, and HOORAY time to work on my next longfic. I'll be back with maybe some drabbles but this is The End. 
> 
> Thank you so much to my incredible incredible betas Joyce and Jess. You guys are absolute heroes and I love that your editing complements each other (even if I did shed a tear rewriting certain chapters). Also, I do have to give a shoutout to the first person that read this fic. It's come a long way since then, I hope you read it some day.
> 
> And a big thanks to YOU GUYS for reading this. The way it is now, it's kind of an evolution of my writing style. I do want to go back at some point and polish up the first few chapters a bit so it's more consistent, but I also like it as is at the moment. <3 my crowning achievement of 2017!!! (Ignore that the last chapter's technically posted on 1/1/2018.)
> 
> Please leave a comment and let me know your thoughts <3 <3!

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment! :) Or yell at me on Tumblr [here](http://lady-serendipity.tumblr.com) and/or Twitter [here](https://twitter.com/ladyyserendipit) <3! 
> 
> Completed at last <3


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